{"PaperName": "The Periodic Beacon", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "a47c9fe2", "Headline": "FSB Announces Plague Fully Contained, Along With Everyone Who Mentioned It", "OriginalHeadline": "Russia Moves to Tamp Down Rumors About Plague Outbreak in Siberia", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "AngleSetup": "State the uncomfortable truth that Russia's real outbreak-control tool is the security apparatus, not medicine. The FSB and the Prosecutor General announce the outbreak is fully 'contained,' because the patients, the doctors and the people who mentioned it have all been contained. Quarantine and detention become the same word.", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261005", "StoryId": "1c49n", "Description": "The country\u2019s consumer watchdog has said only that \u201can employee of an anti-plague institute in the Irkutsk Region\u201d contracted pneumonia. Rumors and unconfirmed reports sounded a more ominous note.\n\n[Photo: An infectious-diseases hospital in the town of Shelekhov, Russia, on Monday. The mayor has urged residents \u201cnot to spread rumors.\u201d]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/05/world/europe/russia-plague-siberia.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/05/multimedia/05Russia-Plague-wkgf/05Russia-Plague-wkgf-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-05T15:49:14+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "a47c9fe2", "Headline": "FSB Announces Plague Fully Contained, Along With Everyone Who Mentioned It", "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0094c7e2", "Headline": "Local Man Detained for Reporting Dead Rat, Rat Released Pending Further Rumors", "Angle": "pun on 'rat out' / plague rats", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "06db2a2f", "Headline": "Officials Report '3.6 Buboes, Not Great, Not Terrible'", "Angle": "pop culture: HBO's Chernobyl '3.6 roentgen'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "11cd010e", "Headline": "New Siberian Policy: See a Plague Rat, Say Nothing, Become One", "Angle": "pun on 'rat out' / plague rats", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "124d60aa", "Headline": "Russian Officials Repeat Word 'Pneumonia' Until It Stops Meaning Anything", "Angle": "deadpan profanity: consumer watchdog statement", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "1bb649db", "Headline": "Anti-Plague Institute Clarifies: Death Benefits Only Apply If You Die of the Thing in Your Job Title", "Angle": "format-borrowing: HR redundancy memo", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "25431971", "Headline": "Officials Say Situation Is Stable, Citing the Suspicious Stillness of Everyone Involved", "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "3234feed", "Headline": "Russia Clarifies: Quarantine and Detention Are the Same Word Now", "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "3ad5b422", "Headline": "HR Memo: Position Eliminated Due to 'Restructuring,' Not Due to the Plague We Pay You to Fight", "Angle": "format-borrowing: HR redundancy memo", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "3efc1fed", "Headline": "Irkutsk Pneumonia Patient Reads '3.6,' Device Not Rated Any Higher", "Angle": "pop culture: HBO's Chernobyl '3.6 roentgen'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "6ad7610a", "Headline": "Employee Status Updated to 'Redundant'; Cause Listed as Pneumonia to Dodge Hazard Pay Clause", "Angle": "format-borrowing: HR redundancy memo", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "754854d2", "Headline": "Anti-Plague Institute Employee Has 'Pneumonia,' Officials Say, Eyes Watering From the Lie", "Angle": "deadpan profanity: consumer watchdog statement", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "8a300e66", "Headline": "Consumer Watchdog Confirms 'Pneumonia,' Advises Nation Not to Look Under the Fucking Bandage", "Angle": "deadpan profanity: consumer watchdog statement", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "9f3188d6", "Headline": "Watchdog Group Stands By 'Pneumonia' Diagnosis, Declines to Explain the Quarantine Tents", "Angle": "deadpan profanity: consumer watchdog statement", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "a4cce5ce", "Headline": "Prosecutor General Confirms Outbreak Under Control, Three Doctors Still Being Controlled", "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "ab41a059", "Headline": "Shelekhov Mayor: Ratting Out Rats Now Punishable, Rats Themselves Still Innocent Until Proven Infected", "Angle": "pun on 'rat out' / plague rats", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "c7bf1462", "Headline": "Consumer Watchdog Insists Bubo Count Steady At Maximum Possible 3.6", "Angle": "pop culture: HBO's Chernobyl '3.6 roentgen'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "f77f2f55", "Headline": "Officials Clarify: It's Not a Plague Cover-Up, It's Just Illegal to Rat on Rats", "Angle": "pun on 'rat out' / plague rats", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "f85ffa1a", "Headline": "Plague-Meter Caps Out At 3.6, Scientists Shrug 'Could Be Worse'", "Angle": "pop culture: HBO's Chernobyl '3.6 roentgen'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "fe2b3b87", "Headline": "Irkutsk Anti-Plague Institute Employee 'Made Redundant,' Hazard Bonus Forfeited on Pneumonia Technicality", "Angle": "format-borrowing: HR redundancy memo", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "c3bcbcb8", "Headline": "REWARD OFFERED for Rial's Safe Return, Payable in Rial, Which Is Also Missing", "OriginalHeadline": "Iran\u2019s Top Security Official Warns of Dire Economic Crisis", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Format-borrowing: missing-persons flyer for the rial", "AngleSetup": "Write it as a MISSING poster for the Iranian rial, with deadpan physical details ('Last seen: Tehran bazaar, July. Height: falling. Answers to: toman'). The pivot uses 'flight' to tie the bureaucratic and the tragic together: the family suspects capital flight and can no longer afford to print more flyers.", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20261005", "StoryId": "56vcv", "Description": "The rare admission from Mohsen Rezaei, the security chief, came weeks after the U.S. tightened sanctions and its naval blockade.\n\n[Photo: People shopping in a bazaar in Tehran in July. Iran\u2019s currency has plunged since the war began.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/04/world/middleeast/iran-economy-rial.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/04/multimedia/04int-iran-economy-01-whtg/04int-iran-economy-01-whtg-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-05T00:18:12+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "c3bcbcb8", "Headline": "REWARD OFFERED for Rial's Safe Return, Payable in Rial, Which Is Also Missing", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: missing-persons flyer for the rial", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "aaf1f1cd", "Headline": "Precision Strike Report: Sanctions Hit Target, Target Is Produce Aisle, Regime Unharmed", "Angle": "Dark satire: sanctions hit their real target", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "e627129c", "Headline": "Official Report: Economy Officially Fucked; Officials Request This Stay Unofficial", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the 'rare admission'", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "bcc6ebc9", "Headline": "State Media Confirms Economy Fucked, Urges Citizens to Disregard State Media", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the 'rare admission'", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "003a1160", "Headline": "Pentagon Confirms 'Maximum Pressure' Campaign Successfully Neutralizes Mother of Three Seeking Orange", "Angle": "Dark satire: sanctions hit their real target", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0bd3551a", "Headline": "Rial Talk: Bazaar Discovers It's Money for Nothing", "Angle": "Pop culture: Dire Straits / 'Money for Nothing'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "2b589ec4", "Headline": "Official Admits Economy Dire, Blockade Straits, Rial Worthless \u2014 Chicks for Free Still Pending", "Angle": "Pop culture: Dire Straits / 'Money for Nothing'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "2fb3d3bf", "Headline": "Regime Raids Bazaar, Finds Currency Collaborating With Zionist Entity", "Angle": "Absurdist: security state treats the economy as a security threat", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "363b4084", "Headline": "Security Chief Confirms Iran's Economy Is in Dire Straits of Hormuz", "Angle": "Pop culture: Dire Straits / 'Money for Nothing'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "478deebf", "Headline": "MISSING: Iranian Rial \u2014 Height: Falling. Weight: Negligible. Answers to 'Toman' If You're Nice About It", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: missing-persons flyer for the rial", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "4a2896ab", "Headline": "Officials Praise Pinpoint Accuracy of Sanctions That Somehow Keep Missing the Actual Regime", "Angle": "Dark satire: sanctions hit their real target", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "64cc0984", "Headline": "Security Chief Declares Rial Enemy Of The State, Orders Immediate Interrogation", "Angle": "Absurdist: security state treats the economy as a security threat", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "739d9c5b", "Headline": "MISSING: One Rial, Last Seen Standing Upright in Tehran Bazaar, July", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: missing-persons flyer for the rial", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "8026ea00", "Headline": "Tehran Announces Crackdown On Rogue Currency, Deploys Riot Police To Exchange Booths", "Angle": "Absurdist: security state treats the economy as a security threat", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "957e16df", "Headline": "Family Suspects Rial Fled the Country, Can No Longer Afford to Print More Flyers", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: missing-persons flyer for the rial", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "c2f2c3c9", "Headline": "Inflation Charged With Espionage, Forced To Confess On State TV", "Angle": "Absurdist: security state treats the economy as a security threat", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "d1a76187", "Headline": "White House Hails 'Surgical' Economic Blockade After Successful Orange Denial Operation", "Angle": "Dark satire: sanctions hit their real target", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "d8708b32", "Headline": "Tehran's New Hit Single: 'Money for Nothing and the Rials Are Free Fall'", "Angle": "Pop culture: Dire Straits / 'Money for Nothing'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "fbdcb2bc", "Headline": "In Rare Admission, Security Chief Confirms Economy Is Fucked, Reminds Reporters Quote Remains Classified", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the 'rare admission'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "fd11c1dc", "Headline": "Rezaei, In Rare Burst of Candor, Rates Economy 'Fucked,' Immediately Walks Back to 'Thriving'", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the 'rare admission'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "0d4e32a1", "Headline": "Report: Bald Man-Baby Who Soils Himself Hourly Secretly Harboring Rich Inner Life", "OriginalHeadline": "Are Babies Conscious?", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "AngleSetup": "Never say 'baby.' Describe the subject as a bald, unemployed, 8-pound Phoenix resident who cannot hold up his own head, eats only liquids and soils himself hourly, and then deliver the study's finding: he has been fully experiencing all of it. The clinical description makes infancy sound like a nursing-home horror, and 'experiencing all of it' adds the dread.", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261005", "StoryId": "t3ikv", "Description": "By pinpointing when it begins in young humans, scientists hope to better understand what consciousness is, and how it arises, in all of us.", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/05/science/consciousness-brain-babies.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/09/29/science/00SCI-UNKNOWNS-CONSCIOUSNESS-promo/00SCI-UNKNOWNS-CONSCIOUSNESS-03-qpbh-facebookJumbo.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-05T15:12:12+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "0d4e32a1", "Headline": "Report: Bald Man-Baby Who Soils Himself Hourly Secretly Harboring Rich Inner Life", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "fad36850", "Headline": "Consciousness Begins At Five Months, Researchers Confirm; First Thought Is 'Whose Fucking Idea Was This'", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: infant's first conscious thought", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "949b8829", "Headline": "Infant's First Lucid Thought Logged As Complaint, Scientists Report", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: infant's first conscious thought", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "09cb3f22", "Headline": "Study Pinpoints Dawn of Human Awareness, Baby Immediately Demands To Know Who's Responsible", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: infant's first conscious thought", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0bcd28e7", "Headline": "Fridge Chart Revised: Existential Dread Now Tracks Right On Schedule With Stranger Danger", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: pediatric milestone chart", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "11f5f970", "Headline": "Heartbeat Bill Author Achieves In One Hearing What Trinity College Couldn't In 40 Years Of Research", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: legislators outpace neuroscience", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "1b90f34d", "Headline": "New Parenting Checklist Item: 'Realizes This Is Forever' \u2014 Circle One: 4 Months Or 5 Months", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: pediatric milestone chart", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "462c797b", "Headline": "Scientists Confirm: Babies Born Woke, Lawmakers Demand Nap Time Legislation", "Angle": "PUN on 'woke' (awake / politically suspect)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "47fd0e26", "Headline": "Trinity College Study Proves Infants Woke From Birth, Capitol Hill Panics", "Angle": "PUN on 'woke' (awake / politically suspect)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "490ce6fb", "Headline": "Local Infant Hits Consciousness Milestone Early, Pediatrician Recommends Sticker Anyway", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: pediatric milestone chart", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "49e581c4", "Headline": "Area Man, 8 Pounds, No Job, No Neck Strength, Has Been Awake For All Of This", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "5536ecd3", "Headline": "Local Senator Vows To Put Woke Infants Back To Sleep, Pediatricians Alarmed", "Angle": "PUN on 'woke' (awake / politically suspect)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "57c255d7", "Headline": "Scientists Confirm Liquid-Diet Phoenix Transient Fully Conscious This Whole Time", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "67c56c13", "Headline": "Local Lawmaker Pinpoints Consciousness Down To The Week, Neuroscientists Just Now Hearing About It", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: legislators outpace neuroscience", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "8086f7fc", "Headline": "Anti-Woke Bill Targets Nurseries After Scientists Catch Babies Staying Woke", "Angle": "PUN on 'woke' (awake / politically suspect)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "a160fa71", "Headline": "Pediatricians Update Milestone Chart: 'Grasps Own Existence' Now Falls Between First Tooth And Peekaboo", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: pediatric milestone chart", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "affdc1ea", "Headline": "Cambridge Spends Decades On EEGs, Loses To Guy Who Thinks The Uterus Connects To The Stomach", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: legislators outpace neuroscience", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "b21200f6", "Headline": "Researchers Trace Origin of Consciousness; All Subjects Reportedly Furious Upon Arrival", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: infant's first conscious thought", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "ec4a4790", "Headline": "Local 8-Pound Phoenix Resident, Unemployed, Cannot Support Own Head, Has Apparently Been Experiencing All Of It", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "f96f0e9d", "Headline": "Scientists Still Baffled On When Consciousness Begins; State Legislature Settled It By Tuesday Vote", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: legislators outpace neuroscience", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "a8784b21", "Headline": "OVECHKIN, ALEX: Age 40, Died of Complications From Being 40, Survived by 897 Goals and Zero Front Teeth", "OriginalHeadline": "'Times Fly': Capitals' Ovechkin to retire at end of season", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Format-borrowing: AP obituary for the career", "AngleSetup": "Run the retirement as a formal newspaper obituary. Dates, cause of death ('complications of being 40'), and a 'survived by' list itemizing his 897 goals, zero front teeth, a Cup ring, and one Putin photograph the family asks you not to bring up at the service. The deadpan 'in lieu of flowers' line is the pivot: fans are asked to donate to Gretzky's therapist.", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20261005", "StoryId": "facrv", "Description": "Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin announced Monday that this will be his final season in the NHL.", "Url": "https://www.espn.com/nhl/story/_/id/50109700/s-fly-capitals-alex-ovechkin-retire-end-season", "ImageUrl": "https://a.espncdn.com/combiner/i?img=%2Fphoto%2F2026%2F1005%2Fr1642565_1296x729_16%2D9.jpg", "Source": "espn.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-05T11:52:34-05:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "a8784b21", "Headline": "OVECHKIN, ALEX: Age 40, Died of Complications From Being 40, Survived by 897 Goals and Zero Front Teeth", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: AP obituary for the career", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0b8bf902", "Headline": "For Rent: Cozy Office, One Previous Owner, Goal-Scoring History, No Pets", "Angle": "Circumlocution: 'Ovi's Office' as commercial real estate", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0cfb62bb", "Headline": "NHL Goalies Declare National Holiday, Union Demands Ovechkin Retire Twice A Year", "Angle": "Reversal: Gretzky's grief as relief", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0db3fe6d", "Headline": "Nashville's Net Gets Parade, Ticker Tape, Key To The City After Ovechkin News", "Angle": "Reversal: Gretzky's grief as relief", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "1987958c", "Headline": "Gretzky Issues One-Word Statement: 'Good' \u2014 Capitals PR Scrambles To Add Warmth", "Angle": "Reversal: Gretzky's grief as relief", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "2fbb39e0", "Headline": "Landlord Admits Faceoff Circle 'Impossible to Fill' After Record-Setting Occupant Leaves", "Angle": "Circumlocution: 'Ovi's Office' as commercial real estate", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "46b702bb", "Headline": "Local Man's Scoring Streak Predeceases Him; Great One's Record Mourns Quietly in Corner", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: AP obituary for the career", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "4a410711", "Headline": "Prime Left-Circle Real Estate Hits Market After 20-Year Industrious Tenant Departs", "Angle": "Circumlocution: 'Ovi's Office' as commercial real estate", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "578b492e", "Headline": "Ovechkin Announces Retirement, Will Spend More Time Not Getting Hit in the Fucking Face", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the 'Times Fly' press conference", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "5cb5d8a6", "Headline": "In Lieu of Flowers, Family Asks Donations Be Made to Gretzky's Therapist", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: AP obituary for the career", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "66dbf5b1", "Headline": "Capitals Star Cites 'Times Fly' and Also the Fucking Face-Hitting in Retirement Announcement", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the 'Times Fly' press conference", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "7f732be0", "Headline": "Ovechkin Hangs Up Skates, Laces Up For A Very Different Kind Of Team Russia", "Angle": "Dark satire: 'draft' double meaning, Putin ties", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "86a4d9f2", "Headline": "'Finally Safe,' Says 64-Year-Old Gretzky, Announces Shock Comeback", "Angle": "Reversal: Gretzky's grief as relief", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "8ca2ca7c", "Headline": "Services Private; Survived by Cup Ring, One Putin Photo Nobody's Allowed to Mention", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: AP obituary for the career", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "9a17340a", "Headline": "Ovechkin's Final Season: One Last Chance to Get Hit in the Fucking Face, On His Terms", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the 'Times Fly' press conference", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "ba13f9e2", "Headline": "Ovechkin Retires From NHL, Re-Enters Draft He's Way More Excited About", "Angle": "Dark satire: 'draft' double meaning, Putin ties", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "bca9e5f0", "Headline": "'Times Fly,' Says Ovechkin, Citing Desire to Stop Getting Hit in the Fucking Face", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the 'Times Fly' press conference", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "ddbc1b6c", "Headline": "Now Leasing: 'Ovi's Office,' Small Space, 895 Previous Holes in Walls", "Angle": "Circumlocution: 'Ovi's Office' as commercial real estate", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "f79ded82", "Headline": "Capitals Lose Ovechkin To Free Agency, Kremlin Calls It A First-Round Pick", "Angle": "Dark satire: 'draft' double meaning, Putin ties", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "f859be5a", "Headline": "League Confirms Ovechkin Eligible For Draft; 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