{"PaperName": "The Black Breeze", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "c303e97a", "Headline": "HUD: Wells Fargo Violated Sacred Principle Of Screwing Minorities And White People At The Same Damn Rate", "OriginalHeadline": "Trump Administration Investigates Wells Fargo for Race-Based Lending", "ShowOriginal": true, "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "AngleSetup": "Immaculate HUD wire copy recasts the Fair Housing Act as guaranteeing that every race gets abused by Wells Fargo in exactly equal measure. It nods to the fake-accounts scandal, where the bank defrauded everyone regardless of color. Example: 'HUD Affirms Fair Housing Act Guarantees Every American's Right To Get Fucked By Wells Fargo Equally.'", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261007", "StoryId": "kemmm", "Description": "The federal housing agency says the bank\u2019s efforts to encourage Black homeownership amount to discrimination.\n\n[Photo: Wells Fargo, a major mortgage lender, has in the past publicly promoted its minority-focused program in news releases and on its website.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/07/business/trump-hud-wells-fargo.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/07/multimedia/07biz-wells-hud-investigation-bzwc/07biz-wells-hud-investigation-bzwc-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-07T22:10:46+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "c303e97a", "Headline": "HUD: Wells Fargo Violated Sacred Principle Of Screwing Minorities And White People At The Same Damn Rate", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "04e3c3c8", "Headline": "HUD Redlines Wells Fargo's Anti-Redlining Memo, Calls It Even", "Angle": "Pun on 'redlining'", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "89076485", "Headline": "HUD Affirms Fair Housing Act Guarantees Every American's Right To Get Fucked By Wells Fargo Equally", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "01783e17", "Headline": "Wells Fargo Clarifies It Screws Customers Without Regard To Race, Creed, Or Color", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "0b460b80", "Headline": "Federal Investigators Demand Wells Fargo Return To Core Business Of Fucking Over All Races Equally", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "2570f1f3", "Headline": "Federal Appraisers Redline Wells Fargo HQ, Cite 'Infiltration of Equal Opportunity'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 1930s HOLC appraisal map", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "37503f6f", "Headline": "Appraiser's Notes: 'Bank Shows Declining Desirability Following Infiltration of Minority Success Stories'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 1930s HOLC appraisal map", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "5285ab3e", "Headline": "1930s Redlining Map Dusted Off, Wells Fargo Penciled In As Hazardous Neighborhood", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 1930s HOLC appraisal map", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "54d9023f", "Headline": "Wells Fargo's Correction to Redlining Gets Redlined by HUD Copy Desk", "Angle": "Pun on 'redlining'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "8071f303", "Headline": "Feds Tell Wells Fargo: Stop Helping Black Homeowners, Resume Regularly Scheduled Subprime Program", "Angle": "Reversal: Wells Fargo's 'traditional' race-based lending", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "88ccf939", "Headline": "Filing Cabinet Yields Decades-Old Maps, Agency Calls Them 'Basically Ready To Go'", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: the maps in the drawer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "9ec57533", "Headline": "Regulators Nostalgic For Wells Fargo's Original Flavor Of Discrimination, Demand Its Return", "Angle": "Reversal: Wells Fargo's 'traditional' race-based lending", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "a53bafce", "Headline": "HUD Orders Wells Fargo To Return To Its Classic, Time-Tested Discrimination", "Angle": "Reversal: Wells Fargo's 'traditional' race-based lending", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b22afd2c", "Headline": "Feds Take Red Pen to Bank's Homeownership Program, Mark It 'Discrimination'", "Angle": "Pun on 'redlining'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b2ffe504", "Headline": "Wells Fargo Told To Un-Innovate, Go Back To Original Race-Based Lending Formula", "Angle": "Reversal: Wells Fargo's 'traditional' race-based lending", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "cab00300", "Headline": "Officials Praise Vintage Maps, Say They 'Need Only A Light Update'", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: the maps in the drawer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "d1de4fbe", "Headline": "HUD Reminds Public: Black Buyers Still Welcome With Written Permission From Neighborhood", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: the maps in the drawer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "d89a4bb0", "Headline": "HUD Finds 1938 Redlining Maps In Bottom Drawer, 'Still In Mint Condition'", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: the maps in the drawer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "db986e0c", "Headline": "Residential Security Map Grades Wells Fargo 'D \u2013 Hazardous' Due to Infiltration of Homeowners Who Can Read", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 1930s HOLC appraisal map", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "ed827434", "Headline": "HUD Editors Strike Through Decades of Progress, Note Reads 'Too Fair'", "Angle": "Pun on 'redlining'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "a3b81177", "Headline": "Spirit Airlines Dead at 33; Mourners Asked to Arrive 3 Hours Early and Pay for a Carry-On", "OriginalHeadline": "Airfares Have Spiked. Is the Death of Spirit Airlines to Blame?", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Obituary format: 'survived by' the oligopoly", "AngleSetup": "Run full newspaper-obituary boilerplate: 'Spirit Airlines, 33, of Miramar, Fla., died peacefully in Goodyear, Ariz.' The pivot is the survivors line: 'Survived by Delta, United, and American, who raised fares during the service.' Close with 'In lieu of flowers, the family requests a $79 seat-selection fee,' so the heirs are cashing in before the body's cold.", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261007", "StoryId": "g8x9j", "Description": "In the wake of the ultra-low-cost carrier\u2019s closure, and with the cost of fuel and labor rising, domestic fares have become less competitive. But there are ways to parry higher prices.\n\n[Photo: Spirit Airlines planes parked at the Phoenix Goodyear Airport in Goodyear, Ariz., in May, a few days after the airline ceased operations.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/07/travel/airfares-flights-cost-spirit-airlines.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/02/multimedia/00Trav-Post-Spirit-Airfares-01-mvpb/00Trav-Post-Spirit-Airfares-01-mvpb-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-07T09:02:13+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "a3b81177", "Headline": "Spirit Airlines Dead at 33; Mourners Asked to Arrive 3 Hours Early and Pay for a Carry-On", "Angle": "Obituary format: 'survived by' the oligopoly", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "28b9c979", "Headline": "Spirit Airlines, 33, Dies Peacefully in Goodyear, Ariz.; Survived by Delta, United and American, Who Raised Fares During the Service", "Angle": "Obituary format: 'survived by' the oligopoly", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "5a611966", "Headline": "Seven Tips For Beating High Airfares: Tip Seven Is Stay The Fuck Home", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: travel-tips explainer", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "e7c3303e", "Headline": "Spirit Airlines Gives Up The Ghost, Still Finds Way To Nickel-And-Dime The Afterlife", "Angle": "Pun on 'Spirit' as ghost / s\u00e9ance", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "047ea1d0", "Headline": "Pack Light, Arrive Early, Avoid Checked Bags, Stay The Fuck Home, Experts Say", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: travel-tips explainer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "0c3b568b", "Headline": "Feds Declare Goodyear Boneyard a Protected Habitat for Last Known $39 Fare", "Angle": "Absurdist: the $39 fare as an endangered species", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "3205f6ab", "Headline": "Obituary: Spirit Airlines, Beloved Nuisance, Leaves Behind Grieving Oligopoly and a Legacy of Legroom Disputes", "Angle": "Obituary format: 'survived by' the oligopoly", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "362bac8a", "Headline": "Industry Mourns Spirit's Death, Quietly Toasts With Champagne at Cruising Altitude", "Angle": "Dark satire: the moment of silence as revenue event", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "3b1e204b", "Headline": "Sighting Confirmed: Glistening $39 Fare Spotted in Arizona Heat, Experts Urge Calm", "Angle": "Absurdist: the $39 fare as an endangered species", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "3cc0f25e", "Headline": "Airfare Conservationists Warn: Without Intervention, Sub-$50 Ticket Could Vanish by Spring", "Angle": "Absurdist: the $39 fare as an endangered species", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "411911b2", "Headline": "Local Medium Reaches Spirit Airlines Beyond The Grave, Billed $40 For Ectoplasm Carry-On", "Angle": "Pun on 'Spirit' as ghost / s\u00e9ance", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "49ffef60", "Headline": "Fliers Attempt To Contact The Spirit, Told Seat Selection In The Great Beyond Costs Extra", "Angle": "Pun on 'Spirit' as ghost / s\u00e9ance", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "53b15d07", "Headline": "Travel Experts Release New Fare-Saving Checklist, Last Box Just Says Don't Go", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: travel-tips explainer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "6311d4bf", "Headline": "Shareholders Observe Period of Grief, Then Several Periods of Profit", "Angle": "Dark satire: the moment of silence as revenue event", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "661a570f", "Headline": "Local Budget Carrier Passes Away; In Lieu of Flowers, Family Requests a $79 Seat-Selection Fee", "Angle": "Obituary format: 'survived by' the oligopoly", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "8571bb8e", "Headline": "Airlines Hold Moment of Silence for Spirit, Raise Fares 40% Before It Ends", "Angle": "Dark satire: the moment of silence as revenue event", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "9199a13e", "Headline": "Grieving Bargain Hunters Hold S\u00e9ance To Contact Spirit, Get Charged $12 For Knocking Once", "Angle": "Pun on 'Spirit' as ghost / s\u00e9ance", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "9e16d309", "Headline": "Experts Advise Travelers To Book Early, Stay Flexible On Dates, Stay The Fuck Home", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: travel-tips explainer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "a8c09b94", "Headline": "CEOs Honor Spirit's Legacy With Tribute Fares No One Can Afford", "Angle": "Dark satire: the moment of silence as revenue event", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "f02b81af", "Headline": "Biologists Attempt Captive Breeding of Endangered Fort Lauderdale-to-Detroit Fare Using College Kid's Frontier Voucher", "Angle": "Absurdist: the $39 fare as an endangered species", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "167df6db", "Headline": "Local Woman Begs You To Log Off Forever, Link In Bio", "OriginalHeadline": "August Lamm Was an Influencer. Now She Wants You to Ditch Your Smartphone.", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Reversal: the anti-phone pitch needs the phone", "AngleSetup": "The only way to sell a ditch-your-phone book is through the phone, so the message defeats itself in a single sentence. Write it straight: she begs followers to log off forever, but first like, subscribe, and pre-order via the link in bio.", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261007", "StoryId": "aci55", "Description": "August Lamm wants you to put down your smartphone and reclaim your life.\n\n[Photo: Four years ago, August Lamm had 200,000 social media followers and posted regularly on Instagram. In her new book, she is urging people to ditch their smartphones.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/07/style/august-lamm-influencer-smartphone-book.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/06/multimedia/06LUDDITE-INFLUENCER-01-qwtc/06LUDDITE-INFLUENCER-01-qwtc-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-07T19:24:23+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "c6877ee3", "Headline": "Ex-Influencer's Anti-Smartphone Book Tops Amazon Chart, Ordered Almost Entirely on Fucking iPhones", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the Amazon bestseller list", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "167df6db", "Headline": "Local Woman Begs You To Log Off Forever, Link In Bio", "Angle": "Reversal: the anti-phone pitch needs the phone", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "0f77f0ec", "Headline": "Analysts Confirm: Rebellion Against Smartphones Is Being Shipped, Tracked, and Reviewed on Smartphones, Goddammit", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the Amazon bestseller list", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "1031fa64", "Headline": "Local Woman Goes On the Lamm, Leaves Instagram Empire in Shambles", "Angle": "Pun on 'Lamm' / 'on the lam'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "27f5cc95", "Headline": "APB Issued for August Lamm: Armed With a Flip Phone, Dangerous to Engagement Metrics", "Angle": "Pun on 'Lamm' / 'on the lam'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "297fec5f", "Headline": "Digital Detox Bestseller Ships Nationwide via One-Click, Apple Unconcerned as Shit", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the Amazon bestseller list", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "49c6d404", "Headline": "Influencer On the Lamm: Wanted for 200,000 Counts of Follower Abandonment", "Angle": "Pun on 'Lamm' / 'on the lam'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "4b4d83e1", "Headline": "Local Woman Legally Dead: Bank App Can't Verify She Exists Without a Phone", "Angle": "Dark satire: life without a phone isn't allowed", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "4cb31d01", "Headline": "'Ditch Your Phone' Book Hits No. 1, 98% of Buyers Too Fucking Lazy to Walk to a Store", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the Amazon bestseller list", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "531715ac", "Headline": "Influencer Urges Followers To Ditch Phones, Smash That Subscribe Button First", "Angle": "Reversal: the anti-phone pitch needs the phone", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "5751936a", "Headline": "AUDUBON SOCIETY ADDS 'WOMAN READING PAPERBACK IN PUBLIC' TO ENDANGERED LIST, CITES HABITAT LOSS: EMPLOYMENT", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: endangered species field report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "5ff8d825", "Headline": "Like, Subscribe, And Never Touch Your Phone Again, Says Woman On Your Phone", "Angle": "Reversal: the anti-phone pitch needs the phone", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "7fe95d46", "Headline": "Unplugged Author Can't Pump Gas, Pass 2FA, or Prove to Society She's Human", "Angle": "Dark satire: life without a phone isn't allowed", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "8078dcb0", "Headline": "FIELD NOTES: Offline Human Observed In Wild, Natural Habitat Confirmed As 'Book Deal'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: endangered species field report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "811c7d34", "Headline": "Influencer Ditches Smartphone, Immediately Held Hostage by QR-Code Pizza Menu", "Angle": "Dark satire: life without a phone isn't allowed", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "9e214c0a", "Headline": "Woman Who Hates Smartphones Demands You Pre-Order Her Book On One", "Angle": "Reversal: the anti-phone pitch needs the phone", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "ac15fd6b", "Headline": "Woman Quits Smartphone, City of New York Quietly Deletes Her From Existence", "Angle": "Dark satire: life without a phone isn't allowed", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b8d46f0d", "Headline": "RARE SIGHTING: Phoneless Woman Spotted Making Eye Contact in Lower Manhattan, Experts Baffled", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: endangered species field report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "d7740139", "Headline": "Meta Posts Bounty on Fugitive Influencer August Lamm, Last Seen Without a Phone", "Angle": "Pun on 'Lamm' / 'on the lam'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "e2b701b1", "Headline": "SCARCE SPECIMEN ALERT: Smartphone-Free Lamm Only Survives Because Nobody's Making Her Clock In", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: endangered species field report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "4d232a1b", "Headline": "Exit Interview Postponed Since 2009, Army Finally Says It With Rifles", "OriginalHeadline": "Army Sets Date for First Military Execution by Firing Squad Since 1945", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Pun on 'fire' (dismiss vs. shoot)", "AngleSetup": "The Army ignored years of documented red flags about Hasan, including an infamous slide presentation and poor evaluations, and kept promoting him. Treat the firing squad as the HR department finally processing a termination it should have filed in 2008. 'Firing' does double duty as employment separation and execution, and the bureaucratic lag is the real indictment.", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20261007", "StoryId": "l3p3b", "Description": "Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, a former Army psychiatrist, will be shot to death on Dec. 3 at Fort Hood, where he killed 13 and wounded 32 in 2009.\n\n[Photo: A memorial service in November 2009 for those killed at Fort Hood.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/07/us/politics/execution-fort-hood-shooting.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/07/multimedia/07dc-execution-vmfz/07dc-execution-vmfz-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-07T22:23:34+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "41f9ad1f", "Headline": "HR Backlog Cleared: Army Processes 2008 Termination Request By Firing Squad", "Angle": "Pun on 'fire' (dismiss vs. shoot)", "Rank": 3, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "4260a908", "Headline": "Range 4 Closed 0600-0700 For Execution, Reopens In Time For Ornament Swap", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: base MWR events calendar", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "de457ecd", "Headline": "MWR December Calendar: Craft Fair, Firing Squad, Then Bingo, In That Order", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: base MWR events calendar", "Rank": 5, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "4d232a1b", "Headline": "Exit Interview Postponed Since 2009, Army Finally Says It With Rifles", "Angle": "Pun on 'fire' (dismiss vs. shoot)", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "2d2dae80", "Headline": "Army Public Affairs Office Regrets the Delay, Not the Decision, on Dec. 3 Firing Squad", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: justice as delayed table service", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "f194e757", "Headline": "After 16 Years of Red Flags, Army Settles On 'You're Fired' Most Literal Way Possible", "Angle": "Pun on 'fire' (dismiss vs. shoot)", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "5eee7b60", "Headline": "101-Year-Old Wyoming Man Hired as Firing Squad Consultant, Asks If They Still Use M1 Garand", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: nobody remembers how", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "0bd37e9c", "Headline": "Army Consults 1945 Field Manual, Immediately Loses It Again", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: nobody remembers how", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "133e495b", "Headline": "Fort Hood Newsletter Sandwiches First Military Execution Since '45 Between Two Potlucks", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: base MWR events calendar", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "2afaf8c6", "Headline": "Army Announces Historic Accountability, Chain Of Command Relieved It Wasn't Them This Time", "Angle": "Dark satire: Fort Hood's selective accountability", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "3d6bc376", "Headline": "Fort Hood Finally Cracks Down On Violence, Only Needed One Conviction And A Decade And A Half", "Angle": "Dark satire: Fort Hood's selective accountability", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "453e3395", "Headline": "After 16 Years in the Queue, Fort Hood Killer's Number Is Finally Called", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: justice as delayed table service", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "639201d2", "Headline": "Army Finally Finishes Hasan's Performance Review, Firing Squad Included", "Angle": "Pun on 'fire' (dismiss vs. shoot)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "6e5df14e", "Headline": "Fort Hood's First Rule Of Accountability: Wait Until Everyone Else Already Agrees", "Angle": "Dark satire: Fort Hood's selective accountability", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "825de6b4", "Headline": "Pentagon Seeks IT Guy Who Can Still Read Floppy Disks", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: nobody remembers how", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "8b41b793", "Headline": "Nobody Alive Remembers How to Do This, Army Admits, Scheduling It Anyway", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: nobody remembers how", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "a310a826", "Headline": "Army Proves It Can Address Violence At Fort Hood, Given 16 Years And A Firing Squad", "Angle": "Dark satire: Fort Hood's selective accountability", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b2f2232d", "Headline": "Table for 13: Army Spokesman Announces Execution Reservation 16 Years Overdue", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: justice as delayed table service", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "d7e0e427", "Headline": "Army Confirms Justice Will Be Served Dec. 3, Apologizes for the Fucking Wait", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: justice as delayed table service", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "e65c0f24", "Headline": "Personnel Kindly Asked Not To Bring Lawn Chairs To This One, Unlike Bingo Night", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: base MWR events calendar", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}]}], "TopHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "1c5eff6a", "Headline": "IRS: We Take Whistle-Blower Safety Very Seriously, Which Is Why You Should Shut the Fuck Up", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: conditional whistle-blower protections", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "c303e97a", "Headline": "HUD: Wells Fargo Violated Sacred Principle Of Screwing Minorities And White People At The Same Damn Rate", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "a3b81177", "Headline": "Spirit Airlines Dead at 33; Mourners Asked to Arrive 3 Hours Early and Pay for a Carry-On", "Angle": "Obituary format: 'survived by' the oligopoly", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "41f9ad1f", "Headline": "HR Backlog Cleared: Army Processes 2008 Termination Request By Firing Squad", "Angle": "Pun on 'fire' (dismiss vs. shoot)", "Rank": 3, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "4260a908", "Headline": "Range 4 Closed 0600-0700 For Execution, Reopens In Time For Ornament Swap", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: base MWR events calendar", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "de457ecd", "Headline": "MWR December Calendar: Craft Fair, Firing Squad, Then Bingo, In That Order", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: base MWR events calendar", "Rank": 5, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "04e3c3c8", "Headline": "HUD Redlines Wells Fargo's Anti-Redlining Memo, Calls It Even", "Angle": "Pun on 'redlining'", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "9c18f784", "Headline": "Lethal Injection Drug Still In Stock Despite Furious 1-Star Review From A Guy Who's Literally Still Here", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: one-star product review", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "c6877ee3", "Headline": "Ex-Influencer's Anti-Smartphone Book Tops Amazon Chart, Ordered Almost Entirely on Fucking iPhones", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the Amazon bestseller list", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "f378d34e", "Headline": "Irkutsk Lab Proudly Displays: 'Days Since Last Emergency: 4,817' \u2014 'Days Since Losing A Coworker: 2'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 'Days Since Last Accident' workplace sign", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "167df6db", "Headline": "Local Woman Begs You To Log Off Forever, Link In Bio", "Angle": "Reversal: the anti-phone pitch needs the phone", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "3e207397", "Headline": "Woman Who Beat Fascism, Famine, and Franco's Ghost Loses Final Battle to an Asset Management Firm With a Cute Name", "Angle": "Circumlocution: the woman who outlasted Franco but not a vulture fund", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "7747ae36", "Headline": "Nation Smug About Free Healthcare Closes Only Exit, Tells Mentally Ill to Please Hold", "Angle": "Circumlocution: smug healthcare nation", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "9d0135b2", "Headline": "Kremlin: Annexed Regions Forever Part Of Russia, Exact Borders To Be Clarified By Wherever The Fuck Our Guys Are On Thursday", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Kremlin's 'borders to be clarified'", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "0140cecc", "Headline": "Verified Purchase: Tennessee Customer Survives Product, Leaves Scathing Review, Texas Orders Bulk", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: one-star product review", "Rank": 11, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "07059800", "Headline": "EU Trade Ministers Adopt Bold New Self-Reliance Counter-Strategy, Executive Summary Just Says 'Oh Fuck' In 14 Languages", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: EU Commission strategy document", "Rank": 11, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "4d232a1b", "Headline": "Exit Interview Postponed Since 2009, Army Finally Says It With Rifles", "Angle": "Pun on 'fire' (dismiss vs. shoot)", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b2d97af0", "Headline": "Ministry Statement: Commitment to Housing Reform Unchanged, Elderly Will Still Be Fucked, Just Less Publicly", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Housing Ministry optics statement", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "1b855274", "Headline": "Divorce Finalized: Jaguars Keep the House, Jacksonville Keeps the Mortgage and Four Supervised Visits a Year", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: family court custody ruling", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "693c82f1", "Headline": "Department Forced to Replace Attorneys Who Would Not Stop Fucking Enforcing the Law, Spokesperson Says", "Angle": "deadpan profanity: why the qualified lawyers had to go", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "28b9c979", "Headline": "Spirit Airlines, 33, Dies Peacefully in Goodyear, Ariz.; Survived by Delta, United and American, Who Raised Fares During the Service", "Angle": "Obituary format: 'survived by' the oligopoly", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "89076485", "Headline": "HUD Affirms Fair Housing Act Guarantees Every American's Right To Get Fucked By Wells Fargo Equally", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "6799415a", "Headline": "Officials Reaffirm Dedication to Housing Crisis, Clarify Goal Was Never Fucking Grandmothers This Publicly", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Housing Ministry optics statement", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "f970e824", "Headline": "FOMC Adopts 'Shit the Bed' as Official Term of Art for AI Valuations, Minutes Show", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: AI bubble meets central-bank boilerplate", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "a470bd3b", "Headline": "All 12 Irreplaceable Bombers Safely Evacuated; Replaceable Villagers Asked to Stay Put", "Angle": "Dark satire: the planes are irreplaceable, the people are not", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "f19deeea", "Headline": "NHS Issues Advisory: 'Withdrawal' Still Doesn't Work, Even When It's 12 B-1 Bombers", "Angle": "Pun on 'withdrawal' / 'pulling out'", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "02f689e3", "Headline": "Canada Bars Mentally Ill From Assisted Death, Admits It Has No Fucking Idea What Comes Next", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Parliament has no plan B", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "01783e17", "Headline": "Wells Fargo Clarifies It Screws Customers Without Regard To Race, Creed, Or Color", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "1dcebf52", "Headline": "Brussels Task Force Finalizes Comprehensive Response To Chinese Overcapacity, Appendix A Reads In Full: 'Oh Fuck'", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: EU Commission strategy document", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "2d2dae80", "Headline": "Army Public Affairs Office Regrets the Delay, Not the Decision, on Dec. 3 Firing Squad", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: justice as delayed table service", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "5107c74b", "Headline": "Smart confirms Bowens out, promises to feed another 19-year-old into the fucking machine", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: replaceable-parts machine", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "5a611966", "Headline": "Seven Tips For Beating High Airfares: Tip Seven Is Stay The Fuck Home", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: travel-tips explainer", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "6d2bbd1c", "Headline": "Vaccine Card Checks Out, Case Closed, Mystery Death Reassigned to Someone Else's Fucking Department", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity on vaccine-card logic", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "7618fc4c", "Headline": "Phase III Trial Update: Placebo Arm Unexpectedly Expanded to 'All of Society'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: clinical trial results abstract", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b7b7b929", "Headline": "'Would Not Recommend,' Writes Only Reviewer Who Lived Through It \u2014 Texas Buys It Anyway", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: one-star product review", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "e230e865", "Headline": "Official Kremlin Map Update: Borders Remain Sacred, Permanent, And Determined By Whatever The Fuck Is Still Standing By Lunch", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Kremlin's 'borders to be clarified'", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "0b460b80", "Headline": "Federal Investigators Demand Wells Fargo Return To Core Business Of Fucking Over All Races Equally", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Fair Housing Act as equal-opportunity screwing", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "14f93ca5", "Headline": "Officials Concede Problem Barely Exists, Announce Plans To Aggressively Solve It Regardless", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the official concession", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "36970731", "Headline": "Funding Review Board Stunned to Discover HIV Network Was Quietly Being Fucking Effective", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the Covid vaccine detail", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "9086fdcf", "Headline": "Paxton's Remaining Allies Narrow To One After Wife, House, Ex-Staff Say Fuck Off", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity on the answer to 'who is he turning to'", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b5c32c29", "Headline": "Local Man's Soul Fully Mended, Claim Rejected As 'Out Of Network'", "Angle": "Pun on 'cover' (insurance coverage)", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "c3d02961", "Headline": "Six Lavatories Fail, Crew Weighs Options, Fucking Chooses JFK Anyway", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: JFK as the desperate option", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "c948c6a8", "Headline": "Russian Health Ministry Confirms Deceased Lab Worker Was Fully Vaccinated Against Plague, Making Whatever Killed Her Someone Else's Fucking Problem", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity on vaccine-card logic", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "e7c3303e", "Headline": "Spirit Airlines Gives Up The Ghost, Still Finds Way To Nickel-And-Dime The Afterlife", "Angle": "Pun on 'Spirit' as ghost / s\u00e9ance", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "f194e757", "Headline": "After 16 Years of Red Flags, Army Settles On 'You're Fired' Most Literal Way Possible", "Angle": "Pun on 'fire' (dismiss vs. shoot)", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "1fc377a8", "Headline": "Texas: Execution Drug Safe, Effective, and None of Your Fucking Business", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: transparency boilerplate", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "3775b77a", "Headline": "Etiquette Expert Rules Death Preferable to Social Discomfort, Recommends Nice Stationery for the Note", "Angle": "Dark satire: politeness outranks survival", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "3b6f4e34", "Headline": "Giants Insist Nabers' Knee Merely Sore, Season Merely Fucked", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: diagnosis gap", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "5eee7b60", "Headline": "101-Year-Old Wyoming Man Hired as Firing Squad Consultant, Asks If They Still Use M1 Garand", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: nobody remembers how", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "8f04c8d4", "Headline": "HHS Reallocates Entire Mental Health Budget To Single Spotify Link, Cites 'Honestly Fucking Beautiful' In Official Memo", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: HHS budget line", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "9e25726b", "Headline": "Retrospective Now Open: The Golden Age Wing Is Called That Because Nothing In It Is Still Alive", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: museum wall placard", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b296fe5b", "Headline": "OMB Pauses Network That Tested Covid Vaccine After Learning It Was Doing Something Fucking Useful", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the Covid vaccine detail", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "e813deb3", "Headline": "Moscow Declares Annexed Land Russian 'Forever,' Pending Clarification On What The Fuck 'Forever' Means This Week", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Kremlin's 'borders to be clarified'", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "fec6e052", "Headline": "Paxton Turns To Trump After Wife, Legislature, SEC, Former Aides All Say Fuck Off", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity on the answer to 'who is he turning to'", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "01bfab1a", "Headline": "Peskov Reaffirms Territory's Eternal Russian Soul, Says Cartographers Should Just Call Him Every Morning To Ask What The Fuck Happened Overnight", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Kremlin's 'borders to be clarified'", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "63f29601", "Headline": "Search Liaison Reminds Publishers: There's Nothing To Fix, Nothing To Appeal, And Nothing We Can Do, So Fuck Off Gently", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Google Search Liaison guidance", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "6c264f1f", "Headline": "New Dollywood Attraction: 'You Must Be THIS Far From Plaintiff To Ride'", "Angle": "format-borrowing: Dollywood ride-height sign", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "7ab5e338", "Headline": "P\u00e9cresse Office Reaffirms 'Every Intention' To Act, Confirms Roof Is Held Up By A Fucking Thread", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: regional council statement", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "82a9197a", "Headline": "OpenAI Admits 'Minor Issues' With Teen Chatbot, Declines To Clarify Which Meaning", "Angle": "Pun on 'minor'", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b313a48d", "Headline": "OMB Proudly Announces Research Funding Is Now Undetectable, Also Nonexistent", "Angle": "Pun on 'undetectable' (U=U)", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b67c80e3", "Headline": "Mayday Call Lists Fuel Remaining: Two Hours. Bathrooms Remaining: Two", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: ATC emergency transcript", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "c07a3c1a", "Headline": "Local Woman Perishes in Fireball, Family Relieved No One Was Rude About It", "Angle": "Dark satire: politeness outranks survival", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "c5b7c39c", "Headline": "Ukraine Reclaims Landmass Roughly Three Toledos, Nation Nods Politely", "Angle": "Dark satire: 'roughly the size of Toledo' American attention economy", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}, {"HeadlineId": "b5f8b0be", "Headline": "U.S. Attorney's Office: Man Faces Felony For Impersonating Job He Could Have Just Gotten By Filling Out The Fucking Application", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: prosecutors note he could have just applied", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261007"}]}