{"PaperName": "The Violent Banner", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "a04d8ac4", "Headline": "Mild-Mannered Redhead Declines to Re-Enter City Whose Stadium Needed Its Own Jail", "OriginalHeadline": "Eagles fans should be happy this QB \u2018politely declined\u2019 to come back", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Circumlocution: the stadium with its own jail", "AngleSetup": "Never name Philadelphia. Describe it only through its real rap sheet. Veterans Stadium literally had an in-house courtroom and jail for fans. 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Prosecutors deadpan that the defendant 'remained distinctly un-raptured.' The irony is that doomsday leaders always exempt themselves from their own salvation plan, because somebody has to stay behind and manage the accounts.", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261019", "StoryId": "763wp", "Description": "Paul Nthenge Mackenzie told his doomsday followers in a remote forest to fast for salvation. He faced trial after hundreds of bodies were exhumed.\n\n[Photo: Paul Nthenge Mackenzie, a doomsday cult leader, at the Shanzu Law Courts in Mombasa, Kenya, in January. He was accused of mass murder after telling followers to starve themselves.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/19/world/africa/kenya-cult-deaths-paul-mackenzie-court-ruling.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/19/multimedia/19int-kenya-cult-ruling-02-wfgl/19int-kenya-cult-ruling-02-wfgl-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-19T16:11:03+00:00", "EditorNote": "A doomsday preacher told followers to starve themselves for salvation and hundreds were exhumed from the forest; aim at the machinery of faith-for-profit that leaves the believers dead and the pastor in a courtroom.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "8e8b3972", "Headline": "Doomsday Prophet Who Preached Fasting Asks Court Whether Prison Serves Breakfast", "Angle": "Reversal: the prophet never skips a meal", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "064abd1b", "Headline": "Iowa Pastor Says Kenyan Cult Leader 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"Reversal: the prophet never skips a meal", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "9c45119f", "Headline": "Kenyan Judge Finds Fast-to-Heaven Sermon Legally Distinct From Shit Pastors Normally Say", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the legal standard for sermons", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "a7efec57", "Headline": "Listing: Shakahola Forest, Quiet Neighbors, Soil Recently Turned, Zero Questions Asked by Previous Owner", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: real estate listing for Shakahola Forest", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "cc75634a", "Headline": "Cult Leader Arrested Twice, Released Twice, Convicted Once Hundreds of Bodies Made It Hard to Ignore", "Angle": "Pun on 'fast' (speed vs. starvation)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "d3210fea", "Headline": "Court Sets New Bar for Sermons: Mass Starvation in a Forest Is Murder, Everything Else Is Just Shit Pastors Say", "Angle": "Deadpan 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"20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "8e8b3972", "Headline": "Doomsday Prophet Who Preached Fasting Asks Court Whether Prison Serves Breakfast", "Angle": "Reversal: the prophet never skips a meal", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "3b21db56", "Headline": "Netanyahu's Office Confirms Settlers Have Accepted Olive Branch, Plus Rest of Tree", "Angle": "Reversal: the olive branch, taken literally", "Rank": 3, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "66cbcca7", "Headline": "After 14 Years of Refinement, Copenhagen's Top Bakeries Confirm It Is Still Just Fucking Cheese on Bread", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: elite bakeries' tireless pursuit", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "1146c769", "Headline": "Long Beach Real Estate Finally Liquid, Just Not for Owners", "Angle": "Pun on 'liquidity' / 'underwater'", "Rank": 5, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "269f84c5", "Headline": "Smuggling Industry Reaffirms Full-Year Guidance Despite Ocean-Related Attrition", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: smuggling-industry earnings call", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "ff898f7f", "Headline": "Nation's Isolated Incidents Now Numerous Enough to Form Support Group", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: the official 'isolated incident' script", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "98c61e2f", "Headline": "Agency Clears Itself After Ruling Bleeding Occurred Inside Citizen, Not Inside Agency", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: internal bleeding as an internal matter", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "3af19ff7", "Headline": "Long Beach Bond Offering Lists Pacific Ocean Under Risk Factors, Cites 'History of Showing Up Uninvited'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal bond prospectus risk disclosure", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "8828eb0b", "Headline": "Price Reduced! Charming Beach Cottage Features Rare Seasonal Beach, Permanent Ocean", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: Zillow real estate listing", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "bf1e6197", "Headline": "Lockheed Thanks Moscow for 'Valued Partnership' in Raising Q3 Guidance", "Angle": "Dark satire: Lockheed Martin's best customer is Russia", "Rank": 11, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "042b5beb", "Headline": "Justice Department Unveils Bold Death Penalty Strategy: Wait", "Angle": "Dark satire: death by natural causes as official strategy", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "0732bf8f", "Headline": "Miami Beach Secures Art Basel Through 2031, Ocean Submits Counteroffer", "Angle": "Dark satire: the 2031 contract outlasts the city", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "fccdda78", "Headline": "JPMorganChase Proudly Announces It Is Now Load-Bearing for the Republic", "Angle": "Dark satire: Too Big to Fail as a defense strategy", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "18b26989", "Headline": "Long Beach Seawall Bonds Prospectus: Past Sea Levels Not Indicative of Future Sea Levels", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal bond prospectus risk disclosure", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "8a4b1e23", "Headline": "Satellite Image Sends Researchers to Remote Pacific Island, Where They Find Nothing Atoll", "Angle": "Pun on 'atoll' / 'at all'", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "daf18771", "Headline": "Industry Best Practices Updated: Auditors Must Now Avoid Looking at Things", "Angle": "Reversal: visiting the mine as a breach of ethics", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "181085ae", "Headline": "Woman Torn Between The Man Who Loves Her And The Girl Who Fed Him A Crayon At Recess", "Angle": "Circumlocution: the love triangle as described by a seventh grader", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "a0169032", "Headline": "Grandmother Now Separated From Grandson By One Degree, Several Honorifics", "Angle": "Pun on 'degrees of separation'", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "a65fb328", "Headline": "Scouting Report: Blood Clot Has Explosive First Step, Finds Gaps in Line, Projects as Day 1 Starter", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: draft scouting report for the clot", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "c4bbfd68", "Headline": "State Chemist: Active Ingredient Not Believed to Be Acting Alone, Has Been Seen With Other Ingredients", "Angle": "Wordplay: 'active ingredient' as 'active shooter'", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "dbd33e64", "Headline": "Seawall Investors Reminded Ocean Is Undesirable Counterparty With No Obligation to Honor Terms", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal bond prospectus risk disclosure", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "fa01c6df", "Headline": "Citizen Found Out-of-Network Mid-Handcuffing, Advised to Resubmit Claim From Hospital Bed", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: insurance Explanation of Benefits for citizenship", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "fe2e0ed9", "Headline": "Strategists Praise Bot Network as Ideal Electorate: Always Enthusiastic, Never Asks About Health Care", "Angle": "Dark satire: neither party wants actual humans", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "015d0670", "Headline": "Life Took 3.8 Billion Years to Evolve Cells, Complexity and Size, Then Got Fucked by a Single Wooden Pallet", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: the scale mismatch, stated wearily", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "080ee686", "Headline": "Gold Auditors Defend Desk-Only Model: Seeing Child Labor Could Introduce Bias", "Angle": "Reversal: visiting the mine as a breach of ethics", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "23bc6338", "Headline": "Jets Goalie Unbeaten in Last 14 Games Without Playing in Any of Them", "Angle": "reversal: suspension as statistically perfect season", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "49da7101", "Headline": "Lockheed Electra Flight 1937 Now 'Significantly Delayed,' Airline Appreciates Your Patience", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board / FAA flight status", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "8a3575b1", "Headline": "Earhart Hunters Toast Another Flawless Year of Not Finding Plane", "Angle": "Dark satire: the Earhart search as a career that must never succeed", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "e6f8b154", "Headline": "Meteorologists Confident Arson Front Will Continue Along Predicted Path, Citing Last Two Months of Arson Front", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: severe weather advisory", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "4fcf3e62", "Headline": "Vigilant Federal Agents Report Injured Man to Authorities, Decline to Mention Own Handcuffs", "Angle": "Reversal: ICE as concerned bystander", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "9f4522a4", "Headline": "Legal Experts Confirm M\u00f6tley Cr\u00fce Is Technically Not Touring, Just Extremely Late Checking Out", "Angle": "Reversal: honoring the Cessation of Touring Agreement", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "a9fac98e", "Headline": "Sanctions Eased to Keep Russia at Table; Ukraine Is the Table", "Angle": "Dark satire: Ukraine is the unnamed hostage", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "d39037ad", "Headline": "Apu Released Unharmed After 30 Years Inside Hank Azaria's Mouth, Appears Dehydrated but Alert", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: freed hostage press conference", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "d835335c", "Headline": "Home Office Updates Travel Guidance: Approved Holiday Destinations Now Limited to Fucking Bognor", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: official travel guidance", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "f9fc49f5", "Headline": "Brits Who Book a Trip to Holy Land Advised They May Also Get Booked", "Angle": "Pun on 'booked'", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "54c232eb", "Headline": "Tooth Killed in Six-Yard Box Is Survived by One (1) Goal, Which Family Says It Would Have Wanted", "Angle": "format-borrowing: obituary for the tooth", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "611a2e6e", "Headline": "Earhart Researchers Return to Office Relieved After Narrowly Avoiding Success Again", "Angle": "Dark satire: the Earhart search as a career that must never succeed", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "643970dc", "Headline": "State Department Intern Re-Traces Faded 'Deeply Concerned' Card in Sharpie for Annual Olive Harvest", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: the laminated 'Deeply Concerned' card", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "9ec21dd5", "Headline": "New Nation of Alberta to Be 'Sovereign' (a Division of Petro-Holdings Ltd.)", "Angle": "Dark satire: sovereignty for the shareholders", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "aa330b30", "Headline": "State Chemist Updates Safety Protocol to 'Run, Hide, Open a Window'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: campus emergency alert / Run-Hide-Fight protocol", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "be8c95a4", "Headline": "Streets Quiet Across France, Interior Ministry Confirms; Housing, Wages, Schools Still Fucked", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: order restored, everything else isn't", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "110317d4", "Headline": "Concerned ICE Agents Call Police After Stumbling Upon Bleeding, Handcuffed Man", "Angle": "Reversal: ICE as concerned bystander", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "3c7633a7", "Headline": "Danjiri Safety Panel Floats Radical Notion That Giant Wooden Float Should Stop Sometimes", "Angle": "Pun on 'float' (float an idea)", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "42da2555", "Headline": "Guant\u00e1namo Tribunal Now Longest-Running Law Program in Federal System, Still Hasn't Reached Final Exam", "Angle": "Absurdist institutional milestone", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "6d062380", "Headline": "Rising Seas Finally Enforce 'No Trespassing' Signs Malibu Billionaires Spent Millions On", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: Malibu billionaires finally get private beaches", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "88fe7bab", "Headline": "State Chemist Clarifies 'Sniper' Is Not Approved for Use Around Children, Pets, or Any Other Living Fucking Thing", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the State Chemist has to say it out loud", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "89f9f332", "Headline": "Institution Once Rescued in 2008 Pledges $1.5 Trillion to Rescue Everyone Else", "Angle": "Circumlocution: describe JPMorgan by its rap sheet", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "13983346", "Headline": "Good Samaritans at ICE Stay at Scene of Handcuffed Man They Just Happened to Find", "Angle": "Reversal: ICE as concerned bystander", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "210bafee", "Headline": "Kishiwada Officials Float Idea of Brakes for Four-Ton Float, Quickly Sink It", "Angle": "Pun on 'float' (float an idea)", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "3f922444", "Headline": "County GOP Stuck With Hundreds of Yard Signs, Zero Yards", "Angle": "Pun on 'grassroots', played literally", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "ba6cf36f", "Headline": "Golf Insists It Welcomes Women, Points To Beverage Cart", "Angle": "Dark satire: golf's idea of 'women welcome'", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "c534487f", "Headline": "Industry Quits Sugar, Switches to Guilt: 'Same Craving, Better Margins'", "Angle": "Dark satire: health anxiety is the new sugar", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "f418afe4", "Headline": "Oregon Panel Spends Eight Months Examining Bend Shooting, Releases 212-Page Report Finding Fuck All", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: the official findings", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "42b0208b", "Headline": "Country Club Says Women Are Always Welcome, Provided They Are Moving, Smiling and Carrying Ice", "Angle": "Dark satire: golf's idea of 'women welcome'", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "770ea93c", "Headline": "Pentagon Confident Death Penalty Will Be Carried Out by Father Time, Pending Appeals", "Angle": "Dark satire: death by natural causes as official strategy", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "a56ecce1", "Headline": "Copenhagen Bakers Say Perfection Is Near, Will Not Shut the Fuck Up About It", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: elite bakeries' tireless pursuit", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "a8fb4bfe", "Headline": "Atoll Expedition Finds Nothing, Saves Thousands of Jobs", "Angle": "Dark satire: the Earhart search as a career that must never succeed", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "d0e19b71", "Headline": "DOJ Nabs 28 California Fraudsters, 2,999,972 Remain at Large and Should Not Be Approached", "Angle": "Dark satire: the missing 2,999,972", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "e23333ac", "Headline": "USGS Renames Long Beach 'Short Beach' Pending Further Erosion", "Angle": "PUN: California place names going literal", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "4c24b56d", "Headline": "Company Built on Scraping Everything Online Shocked, Saddened to Be Scraped", "Angle": "Reversal: OpenAI discovers how it feels to be scraped", "Rank": 26, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "9f49f84e", "Headline": "Danes Report Nothing Left to Fix but Cheese; Americans Rationing Insulin Read Along Reverently", "Angle": "Dark satire: post-scarcity welfare state with nothing left to fix", "Rank": 26, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}, {"HeadlineId": "bb9d3427", "Headline": "Supreme Court Preserves Guant\u00e1namo Streak: 'Days Without a Trial' Sign Gets Fifth Digit", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: workplace 'Days Without an Incident' sign", "Rank": 26, "YearMonthDay": "20261019"}]}