{"PaperName": "The Peaceful Herald", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "d44f53b2", "Headline": "Security Confiscates Nail Clippers, Tweezers, and 101ml of Conditioner, Then Hands Co-Pilot Entire Airplane", "OriginalHeadline": "Attacker in FlyDubai Flight Meant to Crash Into Israeli Airport, Emiratis Say", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "AngleSetup": "Billions in screening go toward taking passengers' sharp objects and 101ml shampoo bottles, then the system hands the plane to the one person who actually wanted to crash it. Itemize everything security confiscated from passengers, then end on what it gave the co-pilot.", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261012", "StoryId": "fe4g4", "Description": "The attorney general of the United Arab Emirates said that the co-pilot had been inspired by the Sept. 11 attacks after  years of developing extreme Islamist views.\n\n[Photo: Emirati investigators said that the co-pilot in the FlyDubai flight had intended to crash into Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv \u201cwith the aim of causing the greatest possible loss of life.\u201d]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/09/world/middleeast/flydubai-pilot-attack.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/09/multimedia/09int-uae-flydubai-1-fctk/09int-uae-flydubai-1-fctk-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-12T16:18:26+00:00", "EditorNote": "A commercial co-pilot inspired by 9/11 meant to crash into Ben Gurion, and the attack was apparently planned by the person whose whole job is to land the plane.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "d44f53b2", "Headline": "Security Confiscates Nail Clippers, Tweezers, and 101ml of Conditioner, Then Hands Co-Pilot Entire Airplane", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "0dddde8f", "Headline": "Billions Spent Guarding Against Corkscrews, Snow Globes, and Travel Shampoo; Controls Left to a Guy", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "347f208f", "Headline": "Airport Display Reports 'Premeditated' in Same Cheerful Font as 'On Time'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e68d0385", "Headline": "Regulators Confirm Reinforced Cockpit Door Worked Exactly as Designed, Which Is the Fucking Problem", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "24a09909", "Headline": "Passengers Surrender Scissors, Sunscreen, and Shoes So One Man Could Be Trusted With the Throttle", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7905b78f", "Headline": "Grandma's Knitting Needles Seized, Toddler's Juice Box Seized, Man With the Steering Wheel Waved Through", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "18326d2b", "Headline": "FlyDubai Defends Co-Pilot as Meek, Punctual, and 'Fully Committed to Reaching Tel Aviv'", "Angle": "Reversal: airline praises the co-pilot's commitment to the destination", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "40562ff6", "Headline": "Gate B12 Now Boarding, Status Screen Declines to Editorialize", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "5219c3f4", "Headline": "Aviation Authority Reaffirms Cockpit Door Is Impenetrable to All Persons Inside and Out, Admits This Is a Fucking Oversight", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "5d080b51", "Headline": "Post-9/11 Cockpit Door Performs to Specification, Keeps Unauthorized Persons Out and One Fucking Authorized Person In", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7b24b6bd", "Headline": "Airline Praises Co-Pilot's Exemplary Record: 'Never Once Late, and He Was Not Going to Start Then'", "Angle": "Reversal: airline praises the co-pilot's commitment to the destination", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7d91e55f", "Headline": "'Nobody Here Wanted to Reach Tel Aviv More,' Says FlyDubai HR, Reviewing Performance File", "Angle": "Reversal: airline praises the co-pilot's commitment to the destination", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9983a5f0", "Headline": "FlyDubai Statement Calls Co-Pilot 'Goal-Oriented Team Player' Who Always Saw Flights Through to the End", "Angle": "Reversal: airline praises the co-pilot's commitment to the destination", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "aa957950", "Headline": "FlyDubai 981 | DXB \u2192 TLV | Gate B12 | Now Boarding | Status: PREMEDITATED", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d345036b", "Headline": "Safety Board Praises Reinforced Door's 100 Percent Success Rate, Concedes Its Single Fucking Flaw Was Seated Up Front", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e9c9e0c3", "Headline": "Departures Board Adds 'Premeditated' to Status Options, Right Under 'Delayed' and Above 'Gate Changed'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "3bc28710", "Headline": "Officials Praise Open Competition, Immediately Install Tariffs to Make Sure Nobody Wins It", "OriginalHeadline": "Europeans Have a Love-Hate Relationship With Chinese Cars", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Dark satire: free market until it works", "AngleSetup": "Say the hypocrisy plainly. European leaders give a stirring defense of open markets and consumer choice, then clarify that 'consumer' means BMW and 'choice' means choosing BMW. The target is Brussels and the domestic automakers protecting their margins, not the shoppers.", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20261012", "StoryId": "eve8l", "Description": "Consumers across the continent increasingly want to buy low-cost Chinese vehicles. Policymakers are seeking to slow them down.\n\n[Photo: A BYD showroom in Leeds, England. Chinese cars account for about one in every 10 cars sold in Europe.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/12/business/europe-china-evs-hybrids.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/12/multimedia/12Biz-Europe-China-EV-hwbq/12Biz-Europe-China-EV-hwbq-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-12T14:32:45+00:00", "EditorNote": "European consumers keep buying cheap Chinese cars while their policymakers frantically try to stop them, a continent that loves free markets right up until the market works.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "3bc28710", "Headline": "Officials Praise Open Competition, Immediately Install Tariffs to Make Sure Nobody Wins It", "Angle": "Dark satire: free market until it works", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "0206ee7e", "Headline": "EU Reaffirms Commitment to Free Market, Clarifies That 'Consumer' Means BMW and 'Choice' Means Choosing BMW", "Angle": "Dark satire: free market until it works", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "0b0e79a7", "Headline": "EU Raises Tariffs on Chinese EVs to 35 Percent; Consumers Pay It Anyway, Still Cheaper Than Goddamn BMW", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: consumer resignation", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "1a2839ba", "Headline": "Commission Defends Chinese EV Tariffs; Leeds Buyers Note Local Alternative Costs a Goddamn Fortune", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: consumer resignation", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "5f9af28a", "Headline": "Free Market Thrives Everywhere in Europe Except Where It Works", "Angle": "Dark satire: free market until it works", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "614a00cb", "Headline": "Dumping Allegations Hit Chinese Automakers; Europeans Just Want to Beat the Neighbors There", "Angle": "Pun on 'dumping'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "633b55e4", "Headline": "Commission Grants Protection From Cheap Electric Hatchbacks; Europe Texts Them 'Can We Talk?'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: restraining order", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6b32852c", "Headline": "EU Orders BYD to Stay 35% Tariff Away From European Consumers, Who Are Already Inside Leeds Showroom", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: restraining order", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7c6df632", "Headline": "Tariff Policy Fails as Europeans Calculate That Even With Duties, BYD Is Cheaper Than a Goddamn Audi", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: consumer resignation", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "8546c9b1", "Headline": "Chinese Car Takes 3 Minutes to Buy, 14 Months to Legally Start", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy (signature / giant / efficient)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "85aee1b4", "Headline": "Brussels Counters Efficient Chinese Cars With Giant Form", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy (signature / giant / efficient)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "8ea4ce56", "Headline": "Brussels Hikes Chinese Car Duties, Shoppers Absorb Cost, Cite Price of Goddamn Volkswagen", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: consumer resignation", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "8f1644dc", "Headline": "Petitioner Seeks Distance From Chinese Cars, Is Also Test-Driving One in Leeds", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: restraining order", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "94530c07", "Headline": "Brussels Protects Consumers From Bargains in Landmark Defense of Affordable Choices Costing More", "Angle": "Dark satire: free market until it works", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "a4059197", "Headline": "Restraining Order Against BYD Hampered as Protected Party Keeps Showing Up, Asking About Financing", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: restraining order", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "b0427ae6", "Headline": "EU Launches Anti-Dumping Probe, Demands to Know Where Exactly China Is Dumping These Cars", "Angle": "Pun on 'dumping'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d564890b", "Headline": "Europe Fights Back Against Cheap Imports With Paperwork Nobody Can Afford to Finish", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy (signature / giant / efficient)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "dfed9485", "Headline": "Europeans Accuse China of Dumping Cars, Ask for Cross Streets", "Angle": "Pun on 'dumping'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "edd9b2a2", "Headline": "EU Requires 40 Signatures Before Drivers May Press 'Start,' Including One From Grieving Volkswagen Engineer", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy (signature / giant / efficient)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f1796f4a", "Headline": "Brussels Condemns Curbside Car Dumping, Quietly Checks Which Curb", "Angle": "Pun on 'dumping'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "cc797917", "Headline": "Only Route Still Operating Between Two Capitals Is the War; No Delays Expected", "OriginalHeadline": "Saudi and Yemeni Airports Hit in New Round of Strikes", "ShowOriginal": true, "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: airport arrivals board", "AngleSetup": "Write it as an airport departures/arrivals display that only works for this story, because the two capitals' airports are now each other's main destination. Every civilian flight reads CANCELLED, and the only Riyadh\u2013Sanaa traffic listed as ON TIME is ordnance. The pivot is that the only route still running between the two airports is the war itself. Example: 'ARRIVALS \u2014 Sanaa Intl: Flight IY-404 CANCELLED; Saudi Sortie 12 LANDED (Early); Gate Information: There Is No Gate.'", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20261012", "StoryId": "bcbye", "Description": "At least one person was killed in the Saudi capital, Riyadh, kingdom authorities said. The Houthis said Saudi aircraft hit the Yemeni capital\u2019s airport.", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/11/world/middleeast/saudi-yemen-airports-houthis.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/11/world/middleeast/Saudi_Arabia_Energy_Forum_1995_/Saudi_Arabia_Energy_Forum_1995_-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-12T02:27:42+00:00", "EditorNote": "Saudi Arabia and the Houthis trade strikes on each other's airports, with civilian aviation as the war's real casualty, a grim world note to anchor the page.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "cc797917", "Headline": "Only Route Still Operating Between Two Capitals Is the War; No Delays Expected", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: airport arrivals board", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "06b5dfdb", "Headline": "Ground Crews Check Contract, Confirm Nothing Covers This Kind of Walkout", "Angle": "PUN on 'strikes' (labor vs. air)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "27723f4d", "Headline": "FAA Updates Middle East Airspace Advisory Scale, Adds New Top Tier: \"Absolutely Fuck Not\"", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: aviation risk-level advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "27b3a724", "Headline": "ARRIVALS: Riyadh\u2013Sanaa Passenger Flights CANCELLED, Ordnance ON TIME", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: airport arrivals board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "2900a990", "Headline": "Airlines Advised to Reroute Around Riyadh and Sanaa, Consider Scenic Cleveland", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: aviation risk-level advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "5c278285", "Headline": "Arms Dealers Thank Both Teams for Satisfying Quarter", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: the arms dealers are the only ones getting satisfying returns", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6128b51c", "Headline": "Sanaa Intl Departures Board Now Just One Word, Repeated", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: airport arrivals board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6c11c1a3", "Headline": "European Aviation Safety Agency Downgrades Yemeni Airspace to \"Fuck No,\" Cites Pilot Feedback and Common Sense", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: aviation risk-level advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7129d006", "Headline": "Missiles Up, Stock Up: Shareholders Report Smooth Landing at Every Runway Still Standing", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: the arms dealers are the only ones getting satisfying returns", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "8ffd3429", "Headline": "Sanaa Airport Update: Saudi Sortie 12 LANDED (Early); Gate Information: There Is No Gate", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: airport arrivals board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "aa2b648b", "Headline": "Defense Contractors Praise Riyadh\u2013Sanaa Corridor for Finally Achieving Full Two-Way Traffic", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: the arms dealers are the only ones getting satisfying returns", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "ab2e46ca", "Headline": "Collective Bargaining Unit Confused: Picket Line Arrived at Mach 1", "Angle": "PUN on 'strikes' (labor vs. air)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "b407e4e6", "Headline": "Riyadh Security Seizes Oversized Shampoo Moments Before Building Becomes Oversized Itself", "Angle": "ABSURDIST: airport security in airplane mode", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "b906eeb5", "Headline": "Airport Workers in Riyadh, Sanaa Stunned to Learn New Round of Strikes Not About Wages", "Angle": "PUN on 'strikes' (labor vs. air)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "c670e951", "Headline": "Passengers Asked to Switch Phones to Airplane Mode as Building Switches to Debris Mode", "Angle": "ABSURDIST: airport security in airplane mode", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "de576952", "Headline": "ICAO Clarifies Difference Between \"Exercise Extreme Caution\" and \"Fuck That,\" Distributes Laminated Chart to Airlines", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: aviation risk-level advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e1e640db", "Headline": "Yemen Airport Reminds Travelers to Remove Shoes, Roof, Most of Departures Hall", "Angle": "ABSURDIST: airport security in airplane mode", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e2232c34", "Headline": "Union Notes Strikers Have Failed to Present a Single Demand Beyond Rubble", "Angle": "PUN on 'strikes' (labor vs. air)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f0b56261", "Headline": "Airport Security Confiscates Grandmother's 4-Ounce Moisturizer as Drone Strolls Unscreened Into Terminal 3", "Angle": "ABSURDIST: airport security in airplane mode", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f13cc054", "Headline": "Airport Closures Unaffected by End User Agreements, Which Remain Wide Open", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: the arms dealers are the only ones getting satisfying returns", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "12c3ad43", "Headline": "NATO Unveils Plan to Defend Europe From Full Wars Only; Half-Wars Not Covered", "OriginalHeadline": "NATO Details Plan to Shield Ukraine\u2019s European Allies From Russia", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Dark satire: Europe is 'half' at war, and the plan only covers whole wars", "AngleSetup": "Say the editor's question out loud. Rail sabotage, arson and cyberattacks are already happening, but NATO's plan only kicks in for a complete, properly declared war, as if Article 5 has a minimum-purchase requirement. Add the uncomfortable kicker: the plan's activation also depends on how Trump feels about each member country that morning.", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261012", "StoryId": "ip30k", "Description": "With the Russians intensifying sabotage, arson and cyberattacks against European nations supporting Ukraine, NATO divulged a blueprint, in case of war, to deter the Kremlin.\n\n[Photo: Gen. Alexus G. Grynkewich of the U.S. Air Force, NATO\u2019s top military commander, speaking at the Warsaw Security Forum on Monday.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/12/world/europe/nato-strategy-russia-europe.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/12/multimedia/12int-nato-russia-bqpw/12int-nato-russia-bqpw-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-12T20:55:31+00:00", "EditorNote": "NATO publishes a detailed 'in case of war' blueprint while Russia is already running sabotage, arson and cyberattacks, which raises the question of what counts as the war starting.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "ef2e0d81", "Headline": "NATO Unveils Unbreakable Firewall; Russia Responds by Setting It on Fire", "Angle": "Pun on 'firewall' and 'match'", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "12c3ad43", "Headline": "NATO Unveils Plan to Defend Europe From Full Wars Only; Half-Wars Not Covered", "Angle": "Dark satire: Europe is 'half' at war, and the plan only covers whole wars", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4d58ba36", "Headline": "NATO Unveils 'In Case of War, Break Glass' Box; Inspectors Report Glass Already Broken, Work Order Filed", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 'In Case of War, Break Glass' emergency signage", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bd7c1045", "Headline": "NATO Commander Defines Activation Criteria for War Plan as 'When They Stop Fucking Around'", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the wire-copy threshold for war", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "1d059eb0", "Headline": "Russia Breaks Glass on NATO's War Plan Early, Cites 'Routine Maintenance Check'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 'In Case of War, Break Glass' emergency signage", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "45c084a4", "Headline": "Article 5 Requires Minimum War Purchase, Sources Confirm", "Angle": "Dark satire: Europe is 'half' at war, and the plan only covers whole wars", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "583a691f", "Headline": "NATO Unveils Deterrence Ladder: Arson Earns 'Single, Measured Wow,' Full Invasion Gets Owen Wilson at Podium", "Angle": "Absurdist escalation ladder: Owen Wilson's 'Wow'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "5fcf8b90", "Headline": "Grynkewich Warns Kremlin: Next Cyberattack Will Be Met With a Wow, Possibly a Double", "Angle": "Absurdist escalation ladder: Owen Wilson's 'Wow'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "70ed7f69", "Headline": "Rail Sabotage, Arson, Cyberattacks Fail to Meet NATO's War Threshold; Europe Urged to Escalate Responsibly", "Angle": "Dark satire: Europe is 'half' at war, and the plan only covers whole wars", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "83a61e9b", "Headline": "NATO Escalation Ladder Tops Out at Owen Wilson in Warsaw, Officials Decline to Say What Comes After 'Wow'", "Angle": "Absurdist escalation ladder: Owen Wilson's 'Wow'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9d3d7bf8", "Headline": "Pentagon Briefing Confirms Sabotage Has Been Upgraded From 'Hmm' to 'Wow,' Allies Urged to Remain Calm", "Angle": "Absurdist escalation ladder: Owen Wilson's 'Wow'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "a128720f", "Headline": "Alliance Unveils Detailed Deterrence Blueprint, Clarifies Sabotage and Arson Still Count as Fucking Around", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the wire-copy threshold for war", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "a916ed8a", "Headline": "Warsaw Emergency Case Found Pre-Shattered by Saboteurs; NATO Schedules Pane Replacement Before Declaring Emergency", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 'In Case of War, Break Glass' emergency signage", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "b048db81", "Headline": "NATO Delays Deciding if War Is Happening Until Facilities Replaces Glass on War Box", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 'In Case of War, Break Glass' emergency signage", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "b998bcf3", "Headline": "NATO Refuses to Call It a 'Match' Until Russia Shows Up in Uniform, Ignores Guys Holding Matches", "Angle": "Pun on 'firewall' and 'match'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "c9826d21", "Headline": "NATO Defense Plan Takes Effect Upon Declaration of Real War, Pending Trump's Mood", "Angle": "Dark satire: Europe is 'half' at war, and the plan only covers whole wars", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d6123aff", "Headline": "Alliance Hardens Firewall Against Cyberattacks, Forgets Arsonists Don't Use Keyboards", "Angle": "Pun on 'firewall' and 'match'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "def0eda3", "Headline": "NATO Awaits Official Kickoff While Russia Keeps Lighting the Pitch", "Angle": "Pun on 'firewall' and 'match'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f1f8c2a6", "Headline": "Warsaw Security Forum: NATO Plan Activates at Point Where Russia's Fucking Around Becomes Find Out, General Says", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the wire-copy threshold for war", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f45d21df", "Headline": "NATO Blueprint Takes Effect Once Russia Stops Fucking Around and Starts Fucking Around, Grynkewich Tells Warsaw Security Forum", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the wire-copy threshold for war", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}], "TopHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "d44f53b2", "Headline": "Security Confiscates Nail Clippers, Tweezers, and 101ml of Conditioner, Then Hands Co-Pilot Entire Airplane", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "15f629a4", "Headline": "Researchers Exhaust All Medical Explanations for Bedwetting Dogs, Reluctantly Conclude It's Contempt", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: peer-reviewed journal abstract", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7f1bc8fe", "Headline": "Saudi Labor Ministry Clarifies Kingdom's Strike Ban Applies Only to Workers", "Angle": "Pun on 'strikes': the only kind the kingdom permits", "Rank": 3, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e74c99c5", "Headline": "Governments Thank Ebola Expert for 50 Years of Nothing Happening by Eliminating His Budget Line", "Angle": "Dark satire: the prevention paradox and funding cuts", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "753ece2d", "Headline": "Area 51 Hangar Passes Fire Inspection, Fails Euclid", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal building inspection report", "Rank": 5, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9ca703b1", "Headline": "Corruption Trial Outlasts Another Election, Begins Drawing Pension", "Angle": "Dark satire: consequential for whom", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "74ca8c51", "Headline": "Cornell Urges Campus Not to Rush to Judgment; Rush Proceeds as Scheduled", "Angle": "Pun on 'rush'", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "852cca57", "Headline": "University Forms Task Force to Review Findings of 2009 Task Force, 2014 Task Force, 2019 Fucking Task Force", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the report pile", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "0dddde8f", "Headline": "Billions Spent Guarding Against Corkscrews, Snow Globes, and Travel Shampoo; Controls Left to a Guy", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9cf92cc6", "Headline": "Cornell Officials Express Shock at Fraternity Allegations Detailed in Reports From 2009, 2014 and the Fucking 2019 One", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the report pile", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d3e41f37", "Headline": "Ebola Co-Discoverer Still Can't Stay Positive After 50 Years of Trying Not To", "Angle": "Pun on 'positive' (test result vs. outlook)", "Rank": 11, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "866d5b5f", "Headline": "Director's Cut of Mariupol Theater Bombing Mysteriously Removes Russia", "Angle": "pun on 'reshoot'", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "3bc28710", "Headline": "Officials Praise Open Competition, Immediately Install Tariffs to Make Sure Nobody Wins It", "Angle": "Dark satire: free market until it works", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9b9674b6", "Headline": "Iran Offers to Mediate Between Both Sides of the Table, Is Both Sides of the Table", "Angle": "Absurdist: peace talks held in a mirror", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "cc797917", "Headline": "Only Route Still Operating Between Two Capitals Is the War; No Delays Expected", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: airport arrivals board", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "18d9bebc", "Headline": "University Needs Years to Review Allegations, Four Days to Fill Pledge Class", "Angle": "Pun on 'rush'", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "1b01207b", "Headline": "Call Now to Double Your Impact: Every Barrel America Buys Keeps Putin's War Machine on the Air", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: public-TV pledge drive with matching gift", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "347f208f", "Headline": "Airport Display Reports 'Premeditated' in Same Cheerful Font as 'On Time'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9589c544", "Headline": "Shared Values Discovered: Europe and Taliban Both Agree Afghans Should Be in Afghanistan", "Angle": "Reversal: Taliban as the human-rights scold", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "b5b8e5b6", "Headline": "Security Experts Praise Cockpit Door For Locking Captain Safely In Room With Problem", "Angle": "Reversal: the reinforced cockpit door works perfectly", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "147ee5f2", "Headline": "Yard Sign Now Legally Required to Disclose: 'Paid for by Gary. Not Approved by Linda, Who Co-Owns This Lawn and Would Like to Keep Her Job'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: FEC campaign disclaimer", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "cedcbb1e", "Headline": "Riyadh Cracks Down on Unauthorized Strikes, Remains Neutral on Incoming Ones", "Angle": "Pun on 'strikes': the only kind the kingdom permits", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e68d0385", "Headline": "Regulators Confirm Reinforced Cockpit Door Worked Exactly as Designed, Which Is the Fucking Problem", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "ef2e0d81", "Headline": "NATO Unveils Unbreakable Firewall; Russia Responds by Setting It on Fire", "Angle": "Pun on 'firewall' and 'match'", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f33b300d", "Headline": "Judge Orders Administration's Ads to Self-Deport From Airwaves, Offers $1,000 and One-Way Ticket", "Angle": "Pun on 'self-deport'", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "54b56c4d", "Headline": "Elko Walks Back 'Cesspool' Comment, Confirms Stink Had Been Building Up Below for Some Time", "Angle": "Pun on 'venting' (septic plumbing)", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "791f2f84", "Headline": "Administration Pledges to Respect Ruling, Just as Soon as Judge Finds Someone Who Can Un-Chop a Tree", "Angle": "Dark satire: the fait accompli as governing strategy", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "be40d60f", "Headline": "Man Charged With Murder on Green Line; CTA Also Charges Him $2.50, Says Both Transactions Processed Promptly", "Angle": "Pun on 'charged'", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e654bbf4", "Headline": "Court Demands Status Quo Be Restored, Administration Asks Court to Define 'Quo'", "Angle": "Dark satire: the fait accompli as governing strategy", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "fb594cf1", "Headline": "Judge Demands to Know Who Authorized Killing of Hundreds of Trees, Who Were Unarmed, Rooted, and Had Been Minding Their Own Business", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: mass-casualty AP wire report", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "12c3ad43", "Headline": "NATO Unveils Plan to Defend Europe From Full Wars Only; Half-Wars Not Covered", "Angle": "Dark satire: Europe is 'half' at war, and the plan only covers whole wars", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4d58ba36", "Headline": "NATO Unveils 'In Case of War, Break Glass' Box; Inspectors Report Glass Already Broken, Work Order Filed", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: 'In Case of War, Break Glass' emergency signage", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "98749a35", "Headline": "Tahlequah Festival Celebrates Iconic Brand as Enthusiasts Unanimously Concede Heater Never Fucking Worked", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: restored-classic resignation", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bb490cc9", "Headline": "First Amendment Still Available to All Employees Who Are No Longer Employees", "Angle": "Dark satire: your lawn is now HR's jurisdiction", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d75359e7", "Headline": "Beagle Files Adverse Possession Claim on Master Bed, Cites Clearly Marked Perimeter", "Angle": "Pun on 'squatter's rights'", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "24a09909", "Headline": "Passengers Surrender Scissors, Sunscreen, and Shoes So One Man Could Be Trusted With the Throttle", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "74c202e4", "Headline": "Ambassador Arrives in Greece With Palms Pre-Greased to Save Time", "Angle": "Pun on 'Greece' / 'grease'", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7905b78f", "Headline": "Grandma's Knitting Needles Seized, Toddler's Juice Box Seized, Man With the Steering Wheel Waved Through", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "c0e77487", "Headline": "Paper's Last Remaining Reporter Breaks Story That Reykjav\u00edk Is Capital of Iceland, Eyes Pulitzer", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: the quiz is the last surviving newsroom department", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "c3065895", "Headline": "Candy Corn Trial Ends in Hung Jury After Verdict of 'Good & Plenty: Neither'", "Angle": "PUN / WORDPLAY: the candy aisle as evidence locker", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4d08ff40", "Headline": "94% of Dogs Maintained Unbroken Eye Contact During Bed Urination, Ruling Out 'Accident'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: peer-reviewed journal abstract", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "62eef12d", "Headline": "Bed Urination Cases Attributed to Anxiety (31%), Urinary Tract Infection (24%), Dog Being a Little Shit (45%)", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: clinical diagnostic list", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6f5c25c8", "Headline": "Pee on Pillow Remains Only HR Grievance This Year to Produce Actual Results", "Angle": "Dark satire: dog as only one confronting the grind", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "89dbef60", "Headline": "Cornell Asks Community to Rush Nothing But Rush", "Angle": "Pun on 'rush'", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d8af07a0", "Headline": "Investors Pour In \u20ac800 Million to Teach Computers to Think, Contractors in Manila Asked to Keep Doing It Until Further Notice", "Angle": "Dark satire: the 'AI' is an army of grubby underpaid humans", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4ce8d240", "Headline": "OKsWagen Fest Draws Hundreds to Downtown Tahlequah to Share Restoration Tips, Agree Heater Has Never Fucking Worked", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: restored-classic resignation", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "57b2928e", "Headline": "Area 51 Budget Bigger on the Inside, Confirms Fifth Failed Audit", "Angle": "Dark satire: Pentagon budget as the real impossible geometry", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6c581452", "Headline": "Jonathan Swift's Modest Proposal Finally Scaled, Now Available Direct-to-Consumer at Washington Square", "Angle": "Pop culture: Swift's 'A Modest Proposal'", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bd7c1045", "Headline": "NATO Commander Defines Activation Criteria for War Plan as 'When They Stop Fucking Around'", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the wire-copy threshold for war", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "c1e6d9ac", "Headline": "\u20ac6.1 Billion Valuation Built on Machine Intelligence, Plus Several Thousand Tired People Pretending to Be One", "Angle": "Dark satire: the 'AI' is an army of grubby underpaid humans", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "65799724", "Headline": "OKsWagen Organizers Finally Work Out the Bugs, Decide to Keep Them", "Angle": "Compound pun on 'working out the bugs'", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6ab0af04", "Headline": "Commanders Travel Up Shit Creek in Fourth Quarter, Back Down in Overtime, Finish Exactly Where They Started", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the round trip up the creek", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bd66a31a", "Headline": "Columnist Presents Mounds of Evidence Against Halloween Candy; Defense Calls Case Riddled with Whoppers", "Angle": "PUN / WORDPLAY: the candy aisle as evidence locker", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "c267a68d", "Headline": "Harbaugh, Ownership Stand 'Shoulder to Shoulder' in Fight That Is Going Like Shit", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the joint statement's quiet admission", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d886736f", "Headline": "Census Finds 41,000 Residents Within 300 Feet of Local Woman, Still Classifies Her 'Isolated'", "Angle": "Absurdist proximity bureaucracy (Cyprus)", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4a12bb33", "Headline": "Government Admits Area 51 Has Area, Refuses to Discuss Its Volume", "Angle": "Pun on 'Area' in Area 51", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "958e15a9", "Headline": "Researchers Note Beetles' Vivid Shell Coloration Is Mostly Primer, Some Bondo", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: entomology field report", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bbf05aae", "Headline": "Vet Now Treating Two Patients After Macho Plano Man Takes Dog's Advice Literally", "Angle": "Absurdist escalation: macho dominance theory taken literally", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f0264244", "Headline": "Elko Apologizes for Calling Cesspool a Cesspool, Vows to Return to Calling It a Splash Zone", "Angle": "Dark satire: he regrets saying it out loud, not believing it", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f26af2dc", "Headline": "Sixers' Title Hopes Hinge on Chemistry, Mutual Respect, Health, and Joel Embiid's Goddamn Knee", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: weary veteran resignation", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "1eb11eae", "Headline": "Annual OKsWagen Festival Brings Beetles, Buses, and Shared Understanding That the Heater Has Never Fucking Worked to Downtown", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: restored-classic resignation", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "72af256b", "Headline": "Dear Abby: He Put Signs on the Grounds Without Asking, So I Have Grounds", "Angle": "Pun on 'grounds' / 'stake'", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "a751d480", "Headline": "Alpha Wolf Theory Debunked, Plano Man Pees on Bed Anyway", "Angle": "Absurdist escalation: macho dominance theory taken literally", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f45007fc", "Headline": "Investigative Unit Of One Spends Six Months Confirming Iceland Has A Capital", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: the quiz is the last surviving newsroom department", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}