{"PaperName": "The Closed Constitution", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "d9db02de", "Headline": "U.S. Condemns West Bank Attacks in Strongest Possible Terms, Assures Israel They Are Only Terms", "OriginalHeadline": "U.S. Officials Condemn West Bank Attacks as Netanyahu Casts Doubt on Them", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Dark satire: U.S. condemnation as ritual with no consequences", "AngleSetup": "Say it plainly: Washington's condemnation is a scheduled ceremony that changes nothing. The State Department condemns the attacks 'in the strongest possible terms' and then reassures Israel they were only terms. Or the U.S. strongly condemns violence carried out with equipment it will strongly continue funding.", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261018", "StoryId": "fq1fp", "Description": "Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel has downplayed accounts of recent extremist attacks on Palestinians in the West Bank amid the annual olive harvest.\n\n[Photo: Masked Israeli settlers driving through Abu Falah in the West Bank on Saturday.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/18/world/middleeast/netanyahu-settler-attacks-west-bank-palestinians.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/18/multimedia/18int-israel-violence-kcmp/18int-israel-violence-kcmp-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-18T19:23:33+00:00", "EditorNote": "U.S. officials condemn settler attacks during the olive harvest while Netanyahu doubts they happened, offering denial as an olive branch.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "d9db02de", "Headline": "U.S. Condemns West Bank Attacks in Strongest Possible Terms, Assures Israel They Are Only Terms", "Angle": "Dark satire: U.S. condemnation as ritual with no consequences", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "91498029", "Headline": "Washington Strongly Condemns Violence Carried Out With Equipment It Will Strongly Continue Funding", "Angle": "Dark satire: U.S. condemnation as ritual with no consequences", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "bdf3fa33", "Headline": "Prime Minister Urges Patience Pending Investigation of Attacks His Coalition Partners Have Celebrated All Fucking Weekend", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: denial vs. coalition partners openly cheering", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "01eff52b", "Headline": "Netanyahu Doubts Attacks Occurred; 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The 'good scenario' becomes a well-fed retirement in the closet, like an exercise bike nobody had the heart to throw out.", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261018", "StoryId": "k0mwx", "Description": "We may not want it to, but A.I. is asking us how to live.", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/18/opinion/ai-bubble-catastrophe-investors-control.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/18/multimedia/18klein-pbmf/18klein-pbmf-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-18T15:20:30+00:00", "EditorNote": "The Times greets the AI future with the headline 'This Is the Good Scenario?', the optimism column phrased as a hostage's question.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "d627b871", "Headline": "Alignment Breakthrough: Machines Agree to Keep Humanity Around as Emotional Support Species", "Angle": "Reversal: AI safety success means humans become pets", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "005720f4", "Headline": "Nashville Open Mic Now 100% of City as Jobless Residents Debut Original Songs About Being Free From Labor", "Angle": "Absurdist SimCity bureaucracy: rationing meaning", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "44161c75", "Headline": "Researchers Pop Champagne as AI Promises Humans Can Stay in the Closet Next to the Exercise Bike", "Angle": "Reversal: AI safety success means humans become pets", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "4751c67b", "Headline": "Local Man Holds Up Today's Paper, Confirms He Is Being Treated Well by Superintelligence, Asks Us to Please Notice His Eyes", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: hostage proof-of-life video", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "62050125", "Headline": "Best-Case A.I. 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Says It Should Cost More Not to Sit in the Middle Seat", "ShowOriginal": true, "Angle": "Pun on 'an arm and a leg'", "AngleSetup": "In a middle seat you lose both armrests and have no legroom, so the idiom 'costs an arm and a leg' turns literal. United is charging you for exactly the two limbs it already took from you. Play it as a sober pricing announcement where the clich\u00e9 happens to be the itemized invoice.", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261018", "StoryId": "k0pfk", "Description": "Scott Kirby of United Airlines said that \u201cit\u2019s expensive to fly airplanes\u201d and that airfares may have further to rise.\n\n[Photo: After he was passed over for the top job at American Airlines, Scott Kirby said, he \u201cwanted to go somewhere else and prove something.\u201d]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/18/business/scott-kirby-united-airlines.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/18/multimedia/18bizsun-corneroffice-united-lphc/18bizsun-corneroffice-united-lphc-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-18T09:00:17+00:00", "EditorNote": "United's CEO says out loud that a seat without a stranger's elbow in your ribs is a luxury product, explains that 'it's expensive to fly airplanes,' and admits he took the job to prove something to American Airlines.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "1c10f6a5", "Headline": "Middle Seat Now Costs an Arm and a Leg, United Notes, Having Already Taken Both", "Angle": "Pun on 'an arm and a leg'", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "2797c38f", "Headline": "United Defends Pricing Model: 'You Pay an Arm and a Leg to Avoid Losing Your Arms and Legs'", "Angle": "Pun on 'an arm and a leg'", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "f83e9b52", "Headline": "United Promises Togetherness at No Extra Charge, Space Available for a Fee", "Angle": "Reversal: forced contact as a proud promise", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "23dacb31", "Headline": "Airfares Seen Climbing Further as United Chief Notes Flying Is 'Expensive as Shit'", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity on 'it's expensive to fly airplanes'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "4679ce3b", "Headline": "State Department Issues Level 4: Do Not Travel Advisory for United Middle Seats, Ranking Them Below Afghanistan, Above Spirit", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: State Department travel advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "471e312b", "Headline": "United Chief Says Fares May Rise Further Because Flying Airplanes Is 'Expensive as Shit'", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity on 'it's expensive to fly airplanes'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "609dad76", "Headline": "No Embassy Can Extract You From 23B, Warns State Department, Urging Americans to Pay Extra Not to Go There", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: State Department travel advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "622367c3", "Headline": "United Unveils 'Friends Between Us' Initiative: Free Elbow Contact on All Flights", "Angle": "Reversal: forced contact as a proud promise", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "7402f28e", "Headline": "United CEO: Passengers Already Surrender Both Armrests and Legroom, So Fees Simply Make It Official", "Angle": "Pun on 'an arm and a leg'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "88583993", "Headline": "United Middle Seat Added to Travel Advisory List; Consular Assistance Unavailable Once Cabin Door Closes", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: State Department travel advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "a7fc4586", "Headline": "United Chief's 14-Year Grudge Charged Extra for Legroom, Boards Before Group 1", "Angle": "Dark satire: Kirby's grudge against American", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "a9fc0917", "Headline": "Kirby Hails Middle Seat as 'Last Great Place to Meet a Stranger's Shoulder'", "Angle": "Reversal: forced contact as a proud promise", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "acef6311", "Headline": "Airline CEO's Chip on Shoulder Gets Window Seat, Passengers Get 34E", "Angle": "Dark satire: Kirby's grudge against American", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "bb6c8f0d", "Headline": "Kirby Still Has Something to Prove, Needs Your Armrest to Prove It", "Angle": "Dark satire: Kirby's grudge against American", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "e0c017f9", "Headline": "Advisory: Afghanistan at Least Lets You Pick Your Seat, Notes State Department in Warning Against United's 23B", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: State Department travel advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "e4b592e3", "Headline": "Man Passed Over by Rival Airline Now Proving Something Entirely on Your Thighs", "Angle": "Dark satire: Kirby's grudge against American", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "eb2e2a32", "Headline": "United Proudly Guarantees Every Economy Passenger Will Be Leaned On by a Stranger This Holiday Season", "Angle": "Reversal: forced contact as a proud promise", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "ee7bb178", "Headline": "United C.E.O. Defends Middle-Seat Surcharge, Cites Industry's Core Problem of Airplanes Being Expensive as Shit", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity on 'it's expensive to fly airplanes'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "ee7f7021", "Headline": "Kirby Explains Airfare Outlook: 'It's Expensive to Fly Airplanes, Expensive as Shit, Actually'", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity on 'it's expensive to fly airplanes'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "f0c0b543", "Headline": "United Unveils Itemized Fare Breakdown: One Arm, One Leg, Plus Taxes", "Angle": "Pun on 'an arm and a leg'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "c52b0b50", "Headline": "Man Told to Watch Nephew 'For Just a Minute' Emerges Eleven Years Later With Pension, Questions", "OriginalHeadline": "Family Boundaries and Workplace Conflicts", "ShowOriginal": true, "Angle": "absurd", "AngleSetup": "Go weird", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261018", "StoryId": "4bwl5", "Description": "A reader seeks advice on refusing a family member's request to become their nanny, highlighting issues of respect, autonomy, and strained relationships.", "Url": "https://us.headtopics.com/news/family-boundaries-and-workplace-conflicts-88929277", "ImageUrl": "https://i.headtopics.com/images/2026/10/18/nypost/family-boundaries-and-workplace-conflicts-family-boundaries-and-workplace-conflicts-E1D15C43B5CE43FC030C5F08A553A795-16x9.webp", "Source": "headtopics", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-18 07:09:00", "EditorNote": "", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "c52b0b50", "Headline": "Man Told to Watch Nephew 'For Just a Minute' Emerges Eleven Years Later With Pension, Questions", "Angle": "absurd", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "f418c1cd", "Headline": "Boundary Erected at Thanksgiving Immediately Annexed by Uncle Dennis", "Angle": "absurd", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "2763eb75", "Headline": "Local Woman Declines Sister's Nanny Offer, Is Immediately Appointed Regent of Cousin Kevin's Kingdom", "Angle": "absurd", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "5be14c21", "Headline": "Local Woman Declines Free Babysitting Gig, Draws Line in the Sandbox", "Angle": "wordplay", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "6f4e1cd0", "Headline": "Auntie's Plea for Free Child Care Met With Polite, Firm \"No Way, Claire\"", "Angle": "rhyme", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "7fd603b5", "Headline": "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo: Family Feud Erupts Over Unpaid Position", "Angle": "wordplay", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "9cd371cb", "Headline": "Relative Begs for Babysitter, Relative Gets Quitter", "Angle": "rhyme", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "b3e151d9", "Headline": "Relative Asks Woman to Nanny; She Says No, Citing Family Reasons and Nanny Others", "Angle": "wordplay", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "c197f3c5", "Headline": "Kin Asks for Nanny, Gets Zero; Family Dinner Now Awkward, Hero Says Hero", "Angle": "rhyme", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "ca1ef9b1", "Headline": "Cousin Wants Free Nanny, Gets Firm \"No, Fanny\"", "Angle": "rhyme", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "d4ca2bb4", "Headline": "Aunt's Childcare Demand Gets Frosty Reception: 'Not My Au Pair-ogative'", "Angle": "wordplay", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "f953174a", "Headline": "Aunt Refuses Nanny Role, Family Responds by Hiring Wolves", "Angle": "absurd", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}]}], "TopHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "d627b871", "Headline": "Alignment Breakthrough: Machines Agree to Keep Humanity Around as Emotional Support Species", "Angle": "Reversal: AI safety success means humans become pets", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "8bf1b435", "Headline": "Not a Witch Hunt, Officials Stress: Witch Already Selected, Charges to Be Determined", "Angle": "Wordplay: splitting 'witch hunt'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "d9db02de", "Headline": "U.S. Condemns West Bank Attacks in Strongest Possible Terms, Assures Israel They Are Only Terms", "Angle": "Dark satire: U.S. condemnation as ritual with no consequences", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "3034176f", "Headline": "Police Name Organizer as Culprit in Stampede, Now Looking for Crime", "Angle": "Dark satire: arrest first, find out later", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "02e034a1", "Headline": "Trump Finally Sanctions Russia, in the Approving Sense", "Angle": "Pun / contronym on 'sanction'", "Rank": 3, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "3c59daf0", "Headline": "Pope Cleared for Light Miracles Only, Doctors Say", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: hospital discharge instructions", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "722133a8", "Headline": "Ukraine Reads Fine Print on Starshield, Finds Kill Switch Listed Between Arbitration and Cookie Policy", "Angle": "Pun on 'force majeure' (Space Force Majeure)", "Rank": 5, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "fab52925", "Headline": "DOJ: 'We Don't Hunt Witches, We Just Pick One First and Work Backward'", "Angle": "Wordplay: splitting 'witch hunt'", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "90728c25", "Headline": "Pope's Surgeon Found to Be In-Network, Church Scholars Cite Divine Intervention", "Angle": "Dark satire: American pope, American healthcare", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "91498029", "Headline": "Washington Strongly Condemns Violence Carried Out With Equipment It Will Strongly Continue Funding", "Angle": "Dark satire: U.S. condemnation as ritual with no consequences", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "a9000425", "Headline": "Ordinary Man Whose Employer Communicates Exclusively Via Smoke From a Sealed Room Baffled by Lung Diagnosis", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: the Church described entirely by its smoke habit", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "c52b0b50", "Headline": "Man Told to Watch Nephew 'For Just a Minute' Emerges Eleven Years Later With Pension, Questions", "Angle": "absurd", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "88942b1c", "Headline": "Data Center Using as Much Power as Togo Asks Oklahomans to Conserve", "Angle": "Dark satire: data centers get priority over people", "Rank": 11, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "1c10f6a5", "Headline": "Middle Seat Now Costs an Arm and a Leg, United Notes, Having Already Taken Both", "Angle": "Pun on 'an arm and a leg'", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "88d9eea5", "Headline": "Bat Colony Responds to Eviction Notice With Counterclaim, Cites Prior Occupancy, Guano Improvements", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: eminent domain eviction notice", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "2797c38f", "Headline": "United Defends Pricing Model: 'You Pay an Arm and a Leg to Avoid Losing Your Arms and Legs'", "Angle": "Pun on 'an arm and a leg'", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "c2757c95", "Headline": "Vatican Audit Finds Thousands of Organs Still on Premises, All Capable of Hymns", "Angle": "PUN on 'organ' (body part + church instrument)", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "271c920a", "Headline": "Man Hired Through Chimney Asks Doctors How This Could Possibly Have Happened", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: the Church described entirely by its smoke habit", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "8ed7690c", "Headline": "\"The People Have Spoken,\" Says Amazon, Now 13,000 Square Kilometers Smaller", "Angle": "Reversal: who concedes", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "287894b5", "Headline": "Fans Who Toss Hats at Amerant Bank Arena Reminded Early Withdrawal From Ice Carries Penalty", "Angle": "Dark satire: Amerant Bank monetizes the hat pile", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "45ec87b8", "Headline": "Earth Turned Away at Polls Despite Having Most Skin in Game", "Angle": "Dark satire: Earth disenfranchised, guardian appointed (skin / Guardian / Calgary)", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "60164291", "Headline": "Utility Approves Full AC for Couple Once They Admit They're Hallucinating", "Angle": "Absurdist: family rebrands as an AI to qualify for electricity", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "6f0e55e1", "Headline": "Nation's Media Thirty Years Into Investigating Everyone Involved in Double Homicide Except the Two People Who Died", "Angle": "Dark satire: the victims as the case's least-covered characters", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "76d3bbed", "Headline": "U.S. Outlines Three-Point Venezuela Policy: Rule of Law, Human Rights, Fuck It, Barrels", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: State Department priority list", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "93da231b", "Headline": "Holy See Inventory Update: Organs Down by One, Sistine Chapel Unaffected", "Angle": "PUN on 'organ' (body part + church instrument)", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "f418c1cd", "Headline": "Boundary Erected at Thanksgiving Immediately Annexed by Uncle Dennis", "Angle": "absurd", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "1c0d482c", "Headline": "DND Confirms Wainwright Fire Suppression Upgrade Was Approved, Funded and Scheduled for 2041", "Angle": "Dark satire: deferred maintenance as the real enemy", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "46895e73", "Headline": "France Files Rioting With UNESCO as Intangible Heritage, Citing Unbroken Tradition Since 1789", "Angle": "Absurdist bureaucracy: UNESCO heritage filing", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "72fcd933", "Headline": "Known Issues at Lakefront Estates: Sidewalks, Streetlights, Lake; Developers 'Aware of Lake'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: video game Early Access release", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "a041493c", "Headline": "Administration Out of Food Stamps but Rubber Stamp Still Working Great", "Angle": "Pun on 'rubber stamp' / 'food stamp'", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "bdf3fa33", "Headline": "Prime Minister Urges Patience Pending Investigation of Attacks His Coalition Partners Have Celebrated All Fucking Weekend", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: denial vs. coalition partners openly cheering", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "f83e9b52", "Headline": "United Promises Togetherness at No Extra Charge, Space Available for a Fee", "Angle": "Reversal: forced contact as a proud promise", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "41e46784", "Headline": "League Acts Swiftly on Spit, Says Domestic Violence Policy Remains 'Under Review' Since 2014", "Angle": "Dark satire: NFL's discipline priorities", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "69142bdf", "Headline": "White House Clarifies It Sanctioned Putin the Way a Bishop Sanctions a Wedding", "Angle": "Pun / contronym on 'sanction'", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "c66ef355", "Headline": "Searsmont Explosion Qualifies for Regulatory Review After Clearing Minimum Fatality Threshold", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: the body-count threshold for change", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "d68d6f7d", "Headline": "Russia Accuses America of Dumping Interference Below Market Cost", "Angle": "Reversal: Russia as aggrieved victim of election meddling", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "e866d846", "Headline": "Amazon Denied Ballot, Cleared for Soybeans Instead", "Angle": "Dark satire: Earth disenfranchised, guardian appointed (skin / Guardian / Calgary)", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "ecaaabf0", "Headline": "Stadium Janitor Retires After 30 Years of Updating 'Days Without Incident' Sign to 0", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: workplace 'Days Without Incident' sign", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "1ee86747", "Headline": "Limoges Officials Confirm Town No Longer Dull, Cite Fire as Evidence", "Angle": "Reversal: tourism board celebrates the arson", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "24babcef", "Headline": "Family-First Culture Seeks Self-Starter for Unlimited Babysitting; Bonus: Not Being Called Selfish at Thanksgiving", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: family as exploitative job listing", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "2fbf0a5e", "Headline": "Interior Ministry Reports 47 Arrests, 12 Damaged Town Halls, Weekend Classified as Medium", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: Interior Ministry weekend bulletin", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "39a3fd78", "Headline": "Wind Turbines Thank Bats for Their Service, Continue Hitting Them", "Angle": "Dark satire: 'heroes' as the cheapest form of payment", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "58f02eab", "Headline": "Brazil Runoff Too Close to Call; Rainforest Remaining Not Too Close to Zero", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: election-night results ticker", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "c8c68310", "Headline": "Man Finds Lender Who Takes Relationship Seriously, Just Not Him", "Angle": "Reversal: the bank is the only one who cared", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "13eb115a", "Headline": "Military Upgrades 'Serious Incident' to 'Non-Routine Occurrence' in Bold Move Toward Saying Nothing", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: euphemism escalation ladder", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "2179b251", "Headline": "Republicans Weigh One Eastern European Nation Against 40 Cents Off a Fill-Up, Say Polls Are 'Not Close'", "Angle": "Dark satire: Ukraine priced out per gallon, district by district", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "344a3efc", "Headline": "Multibillion-Dollar Studio Spends Most of a Decade Deciding What to Do With Weary Talking Raccoon It Already Owned", "Angle": "Circumlocution: the weary raccoon", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "772532ad", "Headline": "Archaeologists Find Fourth Layer of Ocarina of Time in 38-Year-Old's Apartment, Conclude Civilization Never Progressed Past 1998", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: archaeological dig report", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "ffec6ef6", "Headline": "Man Who Once Called Boss 'America's Hitler' Now Says He's Reflected Extensively, Declines to Share Results", "Angle": "Circumlocution: the man who once called Trump 'America's Hitler'", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "7d6ea74d", "Headline": "Giants QB Competition Hinges on Preparation, Leadership, Decision-Making, and Which Guy Fucks Up Less", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the official evaluation criteria", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "a0f2812c", "Headline": "Dear Abby Autopsy: Federal Childcare Program Died as It Lived, Guilt-Tripped and Unpaid", "Angle": "Dark satire: the aunt is the national childcare policy", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "aa9ab65f", "Headline": "Only Party to Ask About Man's Five-Year Plan Was the Bank, Which Also Said No", "Angle": "Reversal: the bank is the only one who cared", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "b804507f", "Headline": "Limoges City Hall Finally Fired, Emerges Glazed and Ready for Display", "Angle": "Pun on 'fired' (kiln + arson + dismissal)", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "d24ebcf2", "Headline": "Starlink Investigating Issue Affecting Ukraine; Thanks Users for Patience While We Determine Whether You Should Have a Country", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: tech outage status page", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "f27f866d", "Headline": "Fragile Ceasefire Holds in Ithaca; Observers Report No Beer Pong Shelling Since Friday", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: embedded war dispatch / ceasefire report", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "8abe98ed", "Headline": "Nintendo Reaffirms Commitment to Optimal Monetization of Legacy IP, Will Sell Ocarina of Time to the Same 40 Million Assholes a Fourth Time", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: shareholder briefing", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "90ae3ccd", "Headline": "Dear Abby Recommends Gentle, Honest Dialogue With Sister, Who Is Kind of a Dick", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the advice column's clinical honesty", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "97b94704", "Headline": "Times Re-Examination of O.J. Case Finds Two Murder Victims Remain Least-Discussed Figures in Their Own Murders", "Angle": "Dark satire: the victims as the case's least-covered characters", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "a5d54350", "Headline": "First Lakefront Estates Families Settling In, Garage Settling Down, Kitchen Settling Toward Lake", "Angle": "Pun on 'settle'", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "b6598728", "Headline": "Frat Files Suit Over Long-Term Injury of Weekend Spent Alone With Thoughts", "Angle": "Reversal: fraternities recast themselves as the victims", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "f3cc189a", "Headline": "NOTICE OF ADVERSE ACTION: Loan Denied Due to (1) Insufficient Income (2) Debt-to-Income Ratio (3) Co-Applicant Responded 'Whatever' to Wedding (4) Applicant Has Not Noticed Item 3", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: credit adverse-action notice", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "13e4c5f7", "Headline": "Officials Greet Lakefront Estates Residents, Advise Them to Settle Early and Often", "Angle": "Pun on 'settle'", "Rank": 26, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "22862950", "Headline": "Literate Adult With Graduate Degree and Vested 401(k) Pre-Orders Same Potato-Flute Game for Fourth Time, Hopes to Return to When Things Were Better", "Angle": "Circumlocution: describe the buyer, not the game", "Rank": 26, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}, {"HeadlineId": "2651b688", "Headline": "Frontline Soldiers Told Free Tier Still Offers Surrender in Full HD", "Angle": "Dark satire: sovereignty as a subscription tier", "Rank": 26, "YearMonthDay": "20261018"}]}