{"PaperName": "The Slippery Pioneer", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "ckism", "Headline": "Mandate Dead at 3; No Foul Play Suspected, Florida AG Insists From Atop Smoking Gun", "OriginalHeadline": "NFL nixed minority offensive asst. mandate in '25", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "AngleSetup": "Write the death of the mandate as a formal newspaper obituary: 'The NFL's Minority Offensive Assistant Mandate, born 2022, died quietly in 2025, survived by zero accountability mechanisms.' The newspaper obituary format applied to a killed policy \u2014 complete with 'preceded in death by the Rooney Rule's relevance' \u2014 makes the institutional rot feel documentary.", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20260513", "StoryId": "riofr", "Description": "The NFL ended a mandate that all 32 teams hire a minority coach as an offensive assistant ahead of the 2025 season and not because of recent pressure from Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier.", "Url": "https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/48762073/nfl-ended-minority-offensive-assistant-mandate-25-season", "ImageUrl": "https://a2.espncdn.com/combiner/i?img=%2Fphoto%2F2026%2F0126%2Fr1606113_1296x729_16%2D9.jpg", "Source": "espn.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-05-13T20:36:52-05:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "ckism", "Headline": "Mandate Dead at 3; No Foul Play Suspected, Florida AG Insists From Atop Smoking Gun", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ryw8k", "Headline": "NFL Drops Offensive Requirement \u2014 The Football Kind, Unfortunately", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "e3l08", "Headline": "NFL Finds Minority Coaching Mandate Too Offensive, Removes It From Playbook", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "170er", "Headline": "In Lieu of Flowers, the NFL Asks That You Please Not Ask Any Follow-Up Questions", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0swnx", "Headline": "League Celebrates Historic Flexibility: All 32 Teams Now Equally Free to Not Hire", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "2jvjm", "Headline": "OBITUARIES: NFL's Minority Hiring Mandate, 2022\u20132025, Preceded in Death by the Rooney Rule's Relevance, Survived by a Strongly Worded Press Release", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4g0fi", "Headline": "Breaking: NFL Removes Hiring Mandate, Ushering In New Era of Equal Opportunity Exclusion", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "50012", "Headline": "NFL Proud to Expand Diverse Range of Teams That Can Now Ignore Minority Coaches", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "d6f5v", "Headline": "League Backs Away from Minority Coach Rule\u2014And Yeah, It Was Definitely Already Planning That Before You Called, James", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Florida AG as irrelevant bystander", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ea39q", "Headline": "NFL Insists It Was Already Planning to Dump Diversity Rule, Totally Not Because Florida Asked Really Nicely", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Florida AG as irrelevant bystander", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "gdov2", "Headline": "NFL No Longer Limited to One Excuse \u2014 Inclusive Array of Reasons to Pass Available", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "idh9g", "Headline": "Panoramic Review Finds Equity Creeping Toward Unhealthy Precedent; League Pulls Plug Before Spread", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal \u2014 dangerous panoramic review", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "jhs1q", "Headline": "Florida AG Pressures NFL on Coaching Mandate; NFL Responds by Doing Exactly That, Claims Total Coincidence", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Florida AG as irrelevant bystander", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "mjkko", "Headline": "BELOVED POLICY LAID TO REST: 'It Lived as It Was Enforced,' Says Tearful Nobody", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "nd5sy", "Headline": "League Calls Audible on Minority Hire Rule, Finds Own Decision Somehow Less Offensive", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "q5jba", "Headline": "NFL Risk Assessment Flags Minority Hiring Mandate At 'Dangerously Functional' Levels, Orders Immediate Drawdown", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal \u2014 dangerous panoramic review", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "rf0gi", "Headline": "NFL Independently Concludes Same Thing as Aggressive Florida Official, Swears It's Not Suspicious", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Florida AG as irrelevant bystander", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "apn78", "Headline": "Head of Intelligence at Odds With Intelligence of Head", "OriginalHeadline": "U.S. Intelligence Undercuts Trump\u2019s War Claims, and the Cost of \u2018Alligator Alcatraz\u2019", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "pun / wordplay: 'undercuts' and 'intelligence'", "AngleSetup": "Double meaning of 'intelligence' (spy agencies / cognitive ability) and 'undercuts' (contradicts / a hairstyle / selling below cost). The headline plays on the idea that U.S. Intelligence undercuts Trump, but also that Trump undercuts U.S. intelligence \u2014 both the agencies and the concept. 'Undercut' as a barber term: someone's giving the president's war narrative a bad haircut and he won't look in the mirror.", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20260513", "StoryId": "b61y3", "Description": "Plus, the controversy engulfing Eurovision.\n\n[Photo: Secret new assessments say Iran has operational access to 30 of its 33 missile sites along the Strait of Hormuz, suggesting that its military remains far stronger than President Trump has asserted.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/05/13/podcasts/the-headlines/iran-missiles-alligator-alcatraz.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/05/13/multimedia/13thehealdines-iranammo-tqzm/13thehealdines-iranammo-tqzm-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-05-13T10:00:10+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "apn78", "Headline": "Head of Intelligence at Odds With Intelligence of Head", "Angle": "pun / wordplay: 'undercuts' and 'intelligence'", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "2ba5c", "Headline": "BREAKING: Intel Community Invents New Bond Rating \u2014 'BBB-elieve Me' \u2014 Exclusively for Presidential Military Assessments", "Angle": "format-borrowing: intelligence assessment / classified briefing memo", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "2cjno", "Headline": "Spy Satellites Confirm 30 of 33 Missile Sites Operational, Analysts Still Combing Truth Social for Supporting Data", "Angle": "dark satire: intelligence community as exasperated fact-checker", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "3uz8t", "Headline": "Trump Downplays Iran Threat as U.S. Intelligence Quietly Realizes Someone Filed the Reptile Briefing Under 'Nuclear Deterrent'", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: Alligator Alcatraz as geopolitical metaphor", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "47bdf", "Headline": "Pentagon Confirms Iran Controls 30 of 33 Missile Sites; Vanuatu Desk Still Thinks They're Talking About Gators", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: Alligator Alcatraz as geopolitical metaphor", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "5fk9c", "Headline": "U.S. Intelligence Undercuts Trump; Trump Undercuts U.S. Intelligence \u2014 Barber Declares Both Unsalvageable", "Angle": "pun / wordplay: 'undercuts' and 'intelligence'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "656ub", "Headline": "Classified Documents Reveal 33 Operational Alligator Sites Along Hormuz\u2014Pentagon Contractor Blames SimCity Muscle Memory", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: Alligator Alcatraz as geopolitical metaphor", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "az051", "Headline": "OPERATIONAL ASSESSMENT: Iran's Missiles Still Work, Trump's Credibility Downgraded Below Junk, Trading Suspended", "Angle": "format-borrowing: intelligence assessment / classified briefing memo", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "bxeuo", "Headline": "We Built 33 Sites And All We Got Was This Lousy Underestimation", "Angle": "reversal / irony: Iran undercuts Trump's claims about Iran undercutting Iran", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "i4zu7", "Headline": "Iran Spent Billions On 30 Missile Sites, Still Can't Get A Mention From The Guy Who's Supposed To Fear Them", "Angle": "reversal / irony: Iran undercuts Trump's claims about Iran undercutting Iran", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "kheuy", "Headline": "Nation's Spies Give President's War Story a Trim \u2014 He Refuses to Look in the Mirror", "Angle": "pun / wordplay: 'undercuts' and 'intelligence'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "pvl0l", "Headline": "Local Rogue State Devastated After Superpower Fails To Notice 91% Of Its Missiles", "Angle": "reversal / irony: Iran undercuts Trump's claims about Iran undercutting Iran", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "soyxg", "Headline": "Intelligence Report Mixup: Is 'Alligator Alcatraz' a Strait of Hormuz Defense System or Just Florida Being Florida?", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: Alligator Alcatraz as geopolitical metaphor", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "tq7va", "Headline": "Iran's Head Of PR Resigns After Trump Accidentally Compliments Their Weakness", "Angle": "reversal / irony: Iran undercuts Trump's claims about Iran undercutting Iran", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "6yih5", "Headline": "Password Dead at 23 Characters; Inspector Cannot Access Case File to Confirm", "OriginalHeadline": "Tired of Hacked Passwords? Help Is on the Way.", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "pun on 'pass' + chain of custody", "AngleSetup": "Triple-meaning pun: 'password' \u2192 'pass word' (as in passing along a secret) \u2192 funeral 'passing' of the password itself. Headline frames the death of passwords as a chain-of-custody issue where nobody can identify the body because it was 'Tr0ub4dor&3'. The inspector called to the scene can't log into the case file.", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20260513", "StoryId": "of4h4", "Description": "Apps from Apple, Google and others can assist in making your online accounts more secure, even as new ways of logging in continue to take off.\n\n[Photo: A password manager, like the 1Password app shown here, serves as a secure vault for all your user names, passwords and other private information.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/05/13/technology/personaltech/passwords-managers-passkeys.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/05/13/technology/personaltech/13BIZ-TECHTIP-TOP/13BIZ-TECHTIP-TOP-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-05-13T09:02:26+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "jcpm8", "Headline": "Companies That Broke Your Passwords Now Selling You a Cute Little Box to Put Them All In", "Angle": "dark satire on security theater / learned helplessness", "Rank": 11, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "6yih5", "Headline": "Password Dead at 23 Characters; Inspector Cannot Access Case File to Confirm", "Angle": "pun on 'pass' + chain of custody", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0dc5i", "Headline": "Queen's Vault Inspector Discovers Her Most Guarded Secrets: DoorDash Login, Pinterest Dream Kitchen Board", "Angle": "format-borrowing: password manager as royal vault inventory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "1zlto", "Headline": "Hacker Burnout Reaches Crisis Levels as Password Complexity Arms Race Claims Another Victim", "Angle": "reversal/irony: hackers exhausted by password manager complexity", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "5geja", "Headline": "Palace Announces New Fortress for Royal Treasures\u2014Plus Whatever You Keep in That Email Account", "Angle": "format-borrowing: password manager as royal vault inventory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "6jgur", "Headline": "Chain of Custody Broken After Detective Forgets Which Post-It Note He Wrote It On", "Angle": "pun on 'pass' + chain of custody", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "d8c63", "Headline": "Russian Cybercrime Syndicate Begs Users: 'Please, We Are So Tired \u2014 Just Use Password123 Again'", "Angle": "reversal/irony: hackers exhausted by password manager complexity", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "eazsl", "Headline": "Area Cybercriminals Request Mental Health Day After Third 1Password Vault This Month Refuses to Cooperate", "Angle": "reversal/irony: hackers exhausted by password manager complexity", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ilv97", "Headline": "Good News: One App Can Hold All Your Passwords \u2014 Bad News: You've Met These Developers Before", "Angle": "dark satire on security theater / learned helplessness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "j3oox", "Headline": "Your Face Has Expired: Apple's New Security Feature Locks You Out of Your Own Life", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: bland dystopia of passwordless future", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "keakt", "Headline": "Arsonists Open Fire Extinguisher Store; Conveniently Located Next to Smoldering Ruins of Your Data", "Angle": "dark satire on security theater / learned helplessness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "kh6ad", "Headline": "Local Man's Identity Revoked After Unfortunate Shaving Incident; Declares Airport Home", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: bland dystopia of passwordless future", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "oe1tp", "Headline": "Tech Giants Solve Password Crisis They Caused by Asking You to Trust Them With Every Single Password", "Angle": "dark satire on security theater / learned helplessness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "pqzhp", "Headline": "Royal Chamberlain Reports: Crown Jewels Safe, Netflix Password Safer", "Angle": "format-borrowing: password manager as royal vault inventory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "stj04", "Headline": "Breaking: Crown Credentials Finally Secure (Your Embarrassing Ones Too)", "Angle": "format-borrowing: password manager as royal vault inventory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "8a2nb", "Headline": "S&P Downgrades Trump Negotiating Power to Junk: 'Art of the Deal' Now Rated 'Art of the Ordeal'", "OriginalHeadline": "Why Xi Doesn\u2019t Need a Deal With Trump", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "AngleSetup": "Frame Trump's weakened negotiating position as a credit downgrade, with Moody's or S&P downgrading Trump's deal-making capacity from 'Art of the Deal' to junk status, citing overexposure to Iran conflict and diminishing leverage. Xi is simply a rational investor declining to buy ragged debt.", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513", "StoryId": "gy8q6", "Description": "President Xi Jinping of China is buying time for Beijing and may see an opening with a U.S. president weakened by the war in Iran.\n\n[Photo: President Xi Jinping of China, seen here in Beijing on Tuesday, has been seeking to redefine the terms of how China and the United States should engage.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/05/13/world/asia/xi-trump-china-us-taiwan-iran.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/05/14/multimedia/14int-china-us-xi01-photo-qplm/14int-china-us-xi01-photo-qplm-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-05-13T22:18:47+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "8a2nb", "Headline": "S&P Downgrades Trump Negotiating Power to Junk: 'Art of the Deal' Now Rated 'Art of the Ordeal'", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "6die4", "Headline": "Well Run Dry: Xi Watches U.S. Leverage Hit Its Cap", "Angle": "pun on 'deal' / 'cap'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "7ik94", "Headline": "Xi Declines to Purchase U.S. Debt Instruments at This Time, Outlook Negative, Will Check Back Never", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "7s824", "Headline": "The Art of the No-Deal: How Beijing Mastered the Power of Doing Nothing", "Angle": "reversal/irony: Xi as the abiding one", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "93c4z", "Headline": "Xi Pivots to Latvia as New 'Primary Strategic Rival,' Cites Concerns Over Baltic Shipping Lanes", "Angle": "absurdist/surreal: Latvia enters the chat", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "a63di", "Headline": "Xi Says 'No Cap' \u2014 Trump Already Capped Himself", "Angle": "pun on 'deal' / 'cap'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "avro1", "Headline": "Xi Abides While Trump Negotiates. Guess Who's Winning", "Angle": "reversal/irony: Xi as the abiding one", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "bszum", "Headline": "Chinese State Media: Latvia Now America's Obvious Replacement in Global Trade Negotiations", "Angle": "absurdist/surreal: Latvia enters the chat", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "fd497", "Headline": "Xi to Trump: 'I'll Pass\u2014Your Loss Leaders Are Already Free'", "Angle": "dark satire on Xi 'buying time' as literal shopping", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "h4vby", "Headline": "Chinese Leader Discovers World's Simplest Trade Strategy: Wait It Out", "Angle": "reversal/irony: Xi as the abiding one", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "j7n5v", "Headline": "Why Buy the Deal When the Dealer's Already Capped Out?", "Angle": "pun on 'deal' / 'cap'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "knlmq", "Headline": "China Demands Urgent UN Security Council Meeting on Latvian Threat; Husky Diplomacy Talks Set for Riga", "Angle": "absurdist/surreal: Latvia enters the chat", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "oy5yi", "Headline": "Moody's Cuts U.S. Leverage to Junk Status, Cites Overexposure to Iran and One Distressed Asset Called Mar-a-Lago", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "pulqs", "Headline": "Why Xi Doesn't Need Trump When He's Got Latvia: Inside Beijing's Pivot to Baltic Dominance", "Angle": "absurdist/surreal: Latvia enters the chat", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "r27or", "Headline": "Xi Waits for Everything-Must-Go Sale on American Credibility", "Angle": "dark satire on Xi 'buying time' as literal shopping", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}], "TopHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "ckism", "Headline": "Mandate Dead at 3; No Foul Play Suspected, Florida AG Insists From Atop Smoking Gun", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "se3gb", "Headline": "Polymarket Opens Bet on Own Insider Trading Investigation; Bet Immediately Shows Signs of Insider Trading", "Angle": "absurdist bureaucracy: prediction market predicts its own investigation", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4v0qn", "Headline": "Eric Trump, Who Does Not Own A Business, Visits China, Where His Business Does Not Operate, For Reasons Unrelated To The Business He Does Not Own", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific description of what Eric ISN'T doing", "Rank": 3, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "apn78", "Headline": "Head of Intelligence at Odds With Intelligence of Head", "Angle": "pun / wordplay: 'undercuts' and 'intelligence'", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "1ezgr", "Headline": "Rwanda, Ghana Offer to Send U.S. Technology Consultants After Learning Americans Still Manually Explode Gasoline to Get to Work", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Africa leapfrogs America as tech leader", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "m1h1f", "Headline": "South Carolina Court Apologizes to Alex Murdaugh for Being More Dishonest Than Him", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Murdaugh as the only honest man in the building", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "cydmt", "Headline": "Albania Issues Travel Advisory for United States, Cites 'Unsettling Resemblance to Our 1997 Situation'", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Albania comparison", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "shipy", "Headline": "Rest of World Goes Electric; One Specific Type of American Still Making 0.4-Mile Lumber Runs in a Vehicle That Announces Itself Like a Goddamn Earthquake", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific demographic description", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "jcpm8", "Headline": "Companies That Broke Your Passwords Now Selling You a Cute Little Box to Put Them All In", "Angle": "dark satire on security theater / learned helplessness", "Rank": 11, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "m6y2p", "Headline": "Area Geniuses Spend $4 Billion Building Thing That Will Fire Them", "Angle": "dark satire: saying the quiet part loud about 'recursive self-improvement'", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "fdl5r", "Headline": "Chile Expresses 'Deep Concern' Over Britain's Ability to Hold Government Together", "Angle": "reversal / irony: Britain as unstable developing nation", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "bp8z8", "Headline": "U.S. Officials: China's Secret Arms Deals 'Cutting Into Our Secret Arms Deals'", "Angle": "reversal / irony: U.S. as world's largest arms dealer offended by competition", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "6yih5", "Headline": "Password Dead at 23 Characters; Inspector Cannot Access Case File to Confirm", "Angle": "pun on 'pass' + chain of custody", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4cqyb", "Headline": "Advice Columnist Accidentally Mediates Class War Between Two People Who Share a Grandmother", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 the billionaire already wrote in asking the opposite question", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "48rw6", "Headline": "Local Woman Becomes Most Electable Democrat In State By Agreeing To Stop Being One", "Angle": "dark satire on Democratic futility in red states", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "lceit", "Headline": "Tribunal Convenes As Couple's Appetite Violates Geneva Convention On Borrowed Breadsticks", "Angle": "dark satire on hospitality as geopolitical treaty", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "psxo6", "Headline": "It Takes Rare Nerve to Weaponize Rare Earth, and China Has Both", "Angle": "pun on 'rare earth' / 'rare nerve'", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "pu1zj", "Headline": "Former Google, Meta, OpenAI Employees Unite to Ensure No Future Google, Meta, OpenAI Employees", "Angle": "dark satire: saying the quiet part loud about 'recursive self-improvement'", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "iqs3k", "Headline": "Hawaiian Tropic's New Campaign Really Rubs It In", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'rubbing it in'", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "l8vwq", "Headline": "New Cease-Fire Drops Friday \u2014 Limited Edition, For Display Purposes Only, While Supplies Last", "Angle": "dark satire: cease-fire as performative product", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ntf6y", "Headline": "Moody's Downgrades U.S. Democracy to Junk Status, Cites 'Aggressive Acquisition Activity' by Single VC Firm", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "8a2nb", "Headline": "S&P Downgrades Trump Negotiating Power to Junk: 'Art of the Deal' Now Rated 'Art of the Ordeal'", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "a17mt", "Headline": "Cease-Fire\u2122 Recalled After Consumers Report Product Contains 0% Cease, 0% Fire Stopping", "Angle": "dark satire: cease-fire as performative product", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "j1otm", "Headline": "Venture Firm's Bold Thesis: American Government Is Severely Undermonetized, Ripe for Disruption", "Angle": "dark satire: saying the quiet part loud about venture capital as governance", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "lcmj2", "Headline": "RATINGS UPDATE: American Republic Placed on Negative Watch Following Fully Leveraged Buyout of Congress", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "30k1k", "Headline": "NBA Draft Lottery: Match 3-2-1 To Win, Void Where Tanking Prohibited, Odds Of Rebuilding Responsibly 1 In 30", "Angle": "format-borrowing: lottery ticket / scratch-off instructions", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4w2d5", "Headline": "Gaza Fixer Upper Stalls As Homeowners Refuse to Remove Load-Bearing Arms", "Angle": "format-borrowing: home renovation show pitch", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "9foxv", "Headline": "Feds Hold California's Breath Until Morale Improves", "Angle": "pun on 'breath' / breathing room + Medicaid", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "coyac", "Headline": "Dolphins Drop $64M on Man Whose Entire Job Description Is 'Run Away From Angry People'", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific financial shopping comparison", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ryw8k", "Headline": "NFL Drops Offensive Requirement \u2014 The Football Kind, Unfortunately", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "579sq", "Headline": "Officials Deny C.I.A. Involved in Killing; Confirm Only 'Aggressive Life Consulting'", "Angle": "pun on 'lethal' / 'lethal' + denial gymnastics", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "69v4n", "Headline": "France: Firm. Spain: Ripe. England: Please Check the Best By Date", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: nations ranked like mushy produce", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "c0f98", "Headline": "California Found Guilty of Healthcare, Sentenced to $1.3B Fine", "Angle": "format-borrowing: fraud investigation report / criminal sentencing", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "qxkqw", "Headline": "Trump Delegation Arrives in Beijing; Manifest Lists One President, One Secretary of State, One Eric", "Angle": "pun on 'personal capacity' / 'capacity'", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "rjmbm", "Headline": "NYT Style Guide Updated: 'Start-Up' Now Defined as Any Scrappy Underdog Worth Under $1 Trillion", "Angle": "reversal/irony: the 'start-up' designation", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "e3l08", "Headline": "NFL Finds Minority Coaching Mandate Too Offensive, Removes It From Playbook", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ievny", "Headline": "White House: Eric Trump Traveling to China in Personal Capacity, Same as a Medium-Sized Carry-On", "Angle": "pun on 'personal capacity' / 'capacity'", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "tdq8y", "Headline": "Nothing to Declare Except This Five-Million-Pound Gift, Says Man at Parliament Declaring Everything", "Angle": "absurdist: Farage makes meaty impression at Parliament opening", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "170er", "Headline": "In Lieu of Flowers, the NFL Asks That You Please Not Ask Any Follow-Up Questions", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "5e7gg", "Headline": "1 Star: 'The Jalisco Location Had Limited Selection But The Hospitality Was Absolutely Lethal' \u2014 Manager Disputes Review", "Angle": "format-borrowing: restaurant review / Yelp listing", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "eapxv", "Headline": "Eric Trump Visits China In Completely Personal Capacity, Not To Discuss Hotels, Not To Discuss Loans, Not To Discuss Anything, Just A Boy On A Plane", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific description of what Eric ISN'T doing", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "t4ujs", "Headline": "AI Passes Ultimate Turing Test: Successfully Bribes a Congressman", "Angle": "reversal/irony: AI companies adopt the exact human behavior they claim to optimize away", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0ap9m", "Headline": "7 Easy Side Dishes Everyone Asks For, Plus the Casserole Nobody Requested But Karen's Been Bringing for 11 Consecutive Gatherings", "Angle": "circumlocution \u2014 overly specific description of a side dish's life cycle", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "2saif", "Headline": "Europeans Embrace Silent Cars; U.S. Holdouts Fear Quiet Engines Are How the Soft Countries Get You", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific demographic description", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "cyf62", "Headline": "Albania, GDP $18 Billion, Concerned American Tech Billionaires May Be Buying Too Much Government", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Albania comparison", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "a3xpd", "Headline": "Dear Abby | Conjugal Visits Denied. Commissary Privileges Revoked. Send Help (and Treats)", "Angle": "circumlocution / Dear Abby format \u2014 literal prison", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "hgmff", "Headline": "Tech Founder Learns Hard Lesson: Corruption Industry Has Zero Tolerance for Disruption", "Angle": "reversal/irony: app disrupted the wrong industry", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "poz0j", "Headline": "Moody's Downgrades Humanity to 'Junk' Following Strong Autonomous Weapons Quarter", "Angle": "format-borrowing: Moody's bond-rating downgrade applied to humanity", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0123v", "Headline": "Area Man Reaches Out To Sports Talk Hosts, Unaware That Is Literally Sports Talk", "Angle": "pun on 'reaching out' / 'talk'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "025ps", "Headline": "House Discharge Petition Reaches Critical Mass; Rep. Kiley Named Grand Prize Winner of $1.3B in Ukraine Aid Forwarding", "Angle": "format-borrowing: petition as chain letter / MLM recruitment", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "02kgy", "Headline": "But Wait, There's More: Pentagon Officials Furious That Memory Foam Mattress Ad Is Exposing Their Whole Thing", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: enchanted memory foam mattress ad", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "03ggf", "Headline": "Artificial Scarcity: The Ultimate Power \u2014 These Cut Characters Never Oversaturated the Market and Now They're Winning Capitalism", "Angle": "reversal/irony: the figures are worth more BECAUSE they were rejected", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "03y4f", "Headline": "What to Watch at the Summit (Spoiler: Some of It)", "Angle": "pun on 'summit' / 'some of it'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "04kfg", "Headline": "Dear Abby: Man's Family Rift Gets 200 Words, Then Shuffled Between Leaf Blower Guy and Lunch Meat Bandit", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 punching up at the advice industry", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "057bz", "Headline": "Moody's Downgrades Human Civilization to Junk Status as Anthropic Approaches $1 Trillion", "Angle": "format-borrowing: Moody's bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "061zj", "Headline": "SFCC Coach Sighs Heavily While Signing Alexander: \"I Guess This Works\"", "Angle": "reversal/irony: Spokane Falls distraught it had to settle", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "08l5r", "Headline": "Advice Columnist Sentences Reader to Home Confinement, No Possibility of Parole", "Angle": "pun on 'sentence' / 'life sentence'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "08v9w", "Headline": "Farage's \u00a35 Million Gift: Nothing to Declare, Everything to Explain", "Angle": "reversal/irony: Brexit champion can't declare imports", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "097z1", "Headline": "FORECAST UPDATE: Earlier 'Guilty' Reading Was Instrument Error, Meteorologists Recommend You Lock Your Doors Anyway", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 weather forecast / storm advisory", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "099se", "Headline": "We're All Pretending This Isn't a Ride-Home Situation, Says Everyone Involved in Lakers Talks", "Angle": "dark satire on mutual desperation disguised as leverage", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "09lyh", "Headline": "Local Official Grants Trump Tower Eternal Exemption from All Future Inspections, Audit Reports", "Angle": "format-borrowing: building permit / code inspection waiver", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "09sgo", "Headline": "Polymarket Whale Swears By Ideal Memory\u2122: 'It's Not Insider Trading, I'm Just Capable Of Remembering The Iran War Before It Started'", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: enchanted memory foam mattress ad", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "09zmz", "Headline": "Trump Personally Uber's Jensen Huang to Beijing, Proving Sanctions Were Just Expensive Foreplay", "Angle": "dark satire on chip export controls as theater", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0a1dy", "Headline": "No Fraud if No Program: Federal Government Discovers One Weird Trick Insurers Hate", "Angle": "absurdist bureaucracy: SimCity logic of defunding health to fight fraud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}