{"PaperName": "The Ubiquitous Constitution", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "ckism", "Headline": "Mandate Dead at 3; No Foul Play Suspected, Florida AG Insists From Atop Smoking Gun", "OriginalHeadline": "NFL nixed minority offensive asst. mandate in '25", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "AngleSetup": "Write the death of the mandate as a formal newspaper obituary: 'The NFL's Minority Offensive Assistant Mandate, born 2022, died quietly in 2025, survived by zero accountability mechanisms.' The newspaper obituary format applied to a killed policy \u2014 complete with 'preceded in death by the Rooney Rule's relevance' \u2014 makes the institutional rot feel documentary.", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20260513", "StoryId": "riofr", "Description": "The NFL ended a mandate that all 32 teams hire a minority coach as an offensive assistant ahead of the 2025 season and not because of recent pressure from Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier.", "Url": "https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/48762073/nfl-ended-minority-offensive-assistant-mandate-25-season", "ImageUrl": "https://a2.espncdn.com/combiner/i?img=%2Fphoto%2F2026%2F0126%2Fr1606113_1296x729_16%2D9.jpg", "Source": "espn.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-05-13T20:36:52-05:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "ckism", "Headline": "Mandate Dead at 3; No Foul Play Suspected, Florida AG Insists From Atop Smoking Gun", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ryw8k", "Headline": "NFL Drops Offensive Requirement \u2014 The Football Kind, Unfortunately", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "e3l08", "Headline": "NFL Finds Minority Coaching Mandate Too Offensive, Removes It From Playbook", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "170er", "Headline": "In Lieu of Flowers, the NFL Asks That You Please Not Ask Any Follow-Up Questions", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0swnx", "Headline": "League Celebrates Historic Flexibility: All 32 Teams Now Equally Free to Not Hire", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "2jvjm", "Headline": "OBITUARIES: NFL's Minority Hiring Mandate, 2022\u20132025, Preceded in Death by the Rooney Rule's Relevance, Survived by a Strongly Worded Press Release", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4g0fi", "Headline": "Breaking: NFL Removes Hiring Mandate, Ushering In New Era of Equal Opportunity Exclusion", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "50012", "Headline": "NFL Proud to Expand Diverse Range of Teams That Can Now Ignore Minority Coaches", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "d6f5v", "Headline": "League Backs Away from Minority Coach Rule\u2014And Yeah, It Was Definitely Already Planning That Before You Called, James", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Florida AG as irrelevant bystander", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ea39q", "Headline": "NFL Insists It Was Already Planning to Dump Diversity Rule, Totally Not Because Florida Asked Really Nicely", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Florida AG as irrelevant bystander", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "gdov2", "Headline": "NFL No Longer Limited to One Excuse \u2014 Inclusive Array of Reasons to Pass Available", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "idh9g", "Headline": "Panoramic Review Finds Equity Creeping Toward Unhealthy Precedent; League Pulls Plug Before Spread", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal \u2014 dangerous panoramic review", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "jhs1q", "Headline": "Florida AG Pressures NFL on Coaching Mandate; NFL Responds by Doing Exactly That, Claims Total Coincidence", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Florida AG as irrelevant bystander", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "mjkko", "Headline": "BELOVED POLICY LAID TO REST: 'It Lived as It Was Enforced,' Says Tearful Nobody", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "nd5sy", "Headline": "League Calls Audible on Minority Hire Rule, Finds Own Decision Somehow Less Offensive", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "q5jba", "Headline": "NFL Risk Assessment Flags Minority Hiring Mandate At 'Dangerously Functional' Levels, Orders Immediate Drawdown", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal \u2014 dangerous panoramic review", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "rf0gi", "Headline": "NFL Independently Concludes Same Thing as Aggressive Florida Official, Swears It's Not Suspicious", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Florida AG as irrelevant bystander", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "4cqyb", "Headline": "Advice Columnist Accidentally Mediates Class War Between Two People Who Share a Grandmother", "OriginalHeadline": "Asking Eric: I want my billionaire cousin to set up a trust fund for my children", "ShowOriginal": true, "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 the billionaire already wrote in asking the opposite question", "AngleSetup": "Flip the framing: the billionaire cousin also wrote to Asking Eric, but their letter says 'How do I get my distant relatives to stop treating me like an ATM?' Run them as companion letters where Eric gives the exact opposite advice to each, inadvertently setting up the most passive-aggressive family reunion in history.", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20260513", "StoryId": "7ioz8", "Description": "In today's Asking Eric column, R. Eric Thomas responds to someone who isn't sure how to ask their distant, wealthy cousin to organize a trust fund for their children.", "Url": "https://www.cleveland.com/advice/2026/05/asking-eric-i-want-my-billionaire-cousin-to-set-up-a-trust-fund-for-my-children.html", "ImageUrl": "https://www.cleveland.com/resizer/v2/G5UUBHJ3IFF4BE5TZMRAOPRFHQ.png?auth=9e87fc3f7b480826352ba8080d729eb1899cfce7399bc484495cc6da66af09fa&smart=true&height=1200", "Source": "cleveland", "PublishedAt": "2026-05-13 08:00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "4cqyb", "Headline": "Advice Columnist Accidentally Mediates Class War Between Two People Who Share a Grandmother", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 the billionaire already wrote in asking the opposite question", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4azyt", "Headline": "Asking Eric: How Do I Ask My Billionaire Cousin for Money Without Making It Obvious I've Been Asking Since 2015", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud about family wealth dynamics", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "7eykg", "Headline": "I Don't Talk to My Cousin, But I Want Him to Manage My Kids' Money: An Etiquette Question", "Angle": "pun on 'trust' \u2014 double meaning of financial trust and interpersonal trust", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "7fmzb", "Headline": "Dear Eric: How Do I Ask Someone I Can't Trust to Trustfully Manage My Children's Future", "Angle": "pun on 'trust' \u2014 double meaning of financial trust and interpersonal trust", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "c84ic", "Headline": "Expert: Approaching Wealthy Cousin Requires Proper Posture, Averted Gaze, and Fresh Salmon", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal \u2014 billionaire cousin as magical creature requiring a specialist", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ehwlk", "Headline": "Local Woman Seeks Financial Trust From Cousin She Wouldn't Trust With Her WiFi Password", "Angle": "pun on 'trust' \u2014 double meaning of financial trust and interpersonal trust", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "jj3ht", "Headline": "Asking Eric: How to Ask a Cryptid for Money (Billionaire Cousin Edition)", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal \u2014 billionaire cousin as magical creature requiring a specialist", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "l869j", "Headline": "Thanksgiving Audition Tips: Why Your Billionaire Cousin Already Knows What You Want Before You Sit Down", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud about family wealth dynamics", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "mxsc6", "Headline": "Letter-Writer Submits Trust Fund Pitch Deck to Billionaire Cousin Who Technically Exists", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 financial advisor prospectus / net worth disclosure", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "mzw1z", "Headline": "Trust Fund Inquiry Reveals Family's Shocking New Strategy: Actually Using Words Instead of Aggressive Eye Contact", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud about family wealth dynamics", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "q446x", "Headline": "Billionaire Cousin Also Wrote In: 'I Am a Person, Not an ATM' \u2014 Eric Advises Both Parties to Talk More, Somehow Making Reunion Worse", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 the billionaire already wrote in asking the opposite question", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "r4klk", "Headline": "Eric's Inbox: One Family, Two Letters, Zero Chance of a Normal Thanksgiving", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 the billionaire already wrote in asking the opposite question", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "swf3t", "Headline": "Asking Eric Receives Both Sides of Same Family Dispute, Publishes Advice Simultaneously", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 the billionaire already wrote in asking the opposite question", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "tqmao", "Headline": "Speculative Investment Opportunity: Two Children, Unproven Fundamentals, Seeking Angel Relative", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 financial advisor prospectus / net worth disclosure", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "uw2lq", "Headline": "Local Woman Discovers Novel Concept of Subtlety, Immediately Asks Billionaire Relative to Fund Children's Future", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 saying the quiet part loud about family wealth dynamics", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "v46mk", "Headline": "Cousin With Billions Receives Unsolicited Prospectus on Projected Returns of Nephew, Age 7", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 financial advisor prospectus / net worth disclosure", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "shipy", "Headline": "Rest of World Goes Electric; One Specific Type of American Still Making 0.4-Mile Lumber Runs in a Vehicle That Announces Itself Like a Goddamn Earthquake", "OriginalHeadline": "Fuel Prices Drive Sales of E.V.s, Just Not in the U.S.", "ShowOriginal": true, "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific demographic description", "AngleSetup": "Describe the American EV holdout without naming them \u2014 a man who describes $6.50/gallon as 'the cost of freedom,' owns a truck he uses exclusively to retrieve smaller purchases from a store 0.4 miles away, and considers a vehicle that doesn't shake the driveway on ignition a instance of foreign psychological warfare.", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20260513", "StoryId": "n8txa", "Description": "Electric vehicle sales have soared in Europe and much of the rest of the world, but Americans are still hesitant.\n\n[Photo: High fuel prices are weighing on sales of vehicles that run on gasoline or diesel.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/05/13/business/iran-gas-prices-electric-vehicles.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/05/14/multimedia/13biz-iran-ev-sales-qlbc/13biz-iran-ev-sales-qlbc-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-05-13T15:06:38+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "1ezgr", "Headline": "Rwanda, Ghana Offer to Send U.S. Technology Consultants After Learning Americans Still Manually Explode Gasoline to Get to Work", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Africa leapfrogs America as tech leader", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "shipy", "Headline": "Rest of World Goes Electric; One Specific Type of American Still Making 0.4-Mile Lumber Runs in a Vehicle That Announces Itself Like a Goddamn Earthquake", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific demographic description", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "2saif", "Headline": "Europeans Embrace Silent Cars; U.S. Holdouts Fear Quiet Engines Are How the Soft Countries Get You", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific demographic description", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "2c5sr", "Headline": "Nation Agrees: Bombing Our Way to Cheap Gas Remains the More Culturally Acceptable Energy Plan", "Angle": "dark satire on American exceptionalism as pathology", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "440c5", "Headline": "WORLD'S THERAPIST BAFFLED: Patient America Refuses to Leave Gasoline Despite $200 Weekly 'Emotional Support' Payments", "Angle": "format-borrowing: couples therapy intake form", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4u1zp", "Headline": "Americans Prefer $7 Gas and a Carrier Strike Group to Whatever a BYD Is", "Angle": "dark satire on American exceptionalism as pathology", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "6932x", "Headline": "RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR'S NOTES: 'Client exhibits classic codependency. Keeps mentioning 'the smell of that first V8' and 'what we had in 2003'", "Angle": "format-borrowing: couples therapy intake form", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "7v6in", "Headline": "Developing Nations Pledge Foreign Aid to Help America Leapfrog Horse-and-Buggy Stage", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Africa leapfrogs America as tech leader", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "9i0ta", "Headline": "Fuel Prices Drive Global EV Sales; Americans Still Refuse to Take the Wheel\u2014or the Charge", "Angle": "pun on 'drive' / 'charge'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "9w82h", "Headline": "U.S. Drivers Weigh Petite EV Savings Against the Unmatched Thrill of Strait of Hormuz Policy", "Angle": "dark satire on American exceptionalism as pathology", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "dvb50", "Headline": "COUPLES THERAPY INTAKE FORM: America Claims 'It's Not the Gas, It's Me' While Europe Files for Divorce", "Angle": "format-borrowing: couples therapy intake form", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "eyc3d", "Headline": "EV Sales Surge Worldwide, Except Among Men Who Consider Driveway Tremors a Form of National Defense", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific demographic description", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "g2kel", "Headline": "Europe Takes the Charge While Americans Drive Straight to the Pump", "Angle": "pun on 'drive' / 'charge'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "hl9mc", "Headline": "Cory Booker Dispatched to Brussels to Explain Why U.S. Skipped EVs the Same Way It Skipped the Metric System", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Africa leapfrogs America as tech leader", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "loboe", "Headline": "World Charging Ahead on Electric Cars. America? Still Driving on Empty Wallets", "Angle": "pun on 'drive' / 'charge'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "qdmlz", "Headline": "INTAKE FORM BREAKDOWN: Rest of World Ready to Buy EV. America: 'But What About My Truck's Feelings?'", "Angle": "format-borrowing: couples therapy intake form", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "twdan", "Headline": "Rest of World Plugs In; America Dispatches F-18s \u2014 Both Technically an Energy Strategy", "Angle": "dark satire on American exceptionalism as pathology", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "bp8z8", "Headline": "U.S. Officials: China's Secret Arms Deals 'Cutting Into Our Secret Arms Deals'", "OriginalHeadline": "Chinese Firms Plot Secret Arms Sales to Iran, U.S. Officials Say", "ShowOriginal": true, "Angle": "reversal / irony: U.S. as world's largest arms dealer offended by competition", "AngleSetup": "Frame the U.S. outrage as a dominant market player furious about a competitor undercutting them \u2014 like Coca-Cola issuing a press release condemning a regional soda brand. The uncomfortable truth that the world's #1 arms exporter is scandalized by someone else selling weapons, as if the problem is the 'secret' part and not the 'arms sales' part.", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20260513", "StoryId": "smtg2", "Description": "The effort involves plans to send weapons through other countries in an effort to hide the origins of the shipments.\n\n[Photo: President Trump arrived in Beijing on Wednesday for a high-stakes diplomatic visit with President Xi Jinping of China.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/05/13/us/politics/china-iran-weapons-trump-xi.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/05/13/multimedia/13dc-china-weapons-cmzk/13dc-china-weapons-cmzk-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-05-13T18:06:05+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "bp8z8", "Headline": "U.S. Officials: China's Secret Arms Deals 'Cutting Into Our Secret Arms Deals'", "Angle": "reversal / irony: U.S. as world's largest arms dealer offended by competition", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0yxeh", "Headline": "Hollywood Insiders Pan Beijing's Weapons Trafficking Screenplay: 'We've Seen This Plot Before, And the Routing Through Five Countries? Totally Noiseless'", "Angle": "pun on 'plot' / 'copy' \u2014 screenplay wordplay", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "10pnz", "Headline": "Do NOT Follow the Noiseless Path Through Africa: Iran Arms Deal Goes Hilariously Off-Script", "Angle": "absurdist bureaucracy: arms shipments as the world's worst IKEA assembly directions", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "15zd9", "Headline": "Tinseltown Passes on Chinese Firms' Spec Script About Covert Iran Weapons: 'Direction Is All Wrong, Ending Gets Intercepted'", "Angle": "pun on 'plot' / 'copy' \u2014 screenplay wordplay", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "3w9ic", "Headline": "Your Arms Shipment Has Been Rerouted: Tracking Shows 47 Countries, Recipient 'Unknown,' Delivery Window 'Never'", "Angle": "format-borrowing: shipping tracking / package delivery notification", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "7qvxu", "Headline": "U.S. Arms Industry Upset About Chinese 'Unfair' Competition in Iran Market", "Angle": "reversal / irony: U.S. as world's largest arms dealer offended by competition", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "7r6xk", "Headline": "Studio Exec to Chinese Firms: 'The Secret Arms Sales Script Won't Fly\u2014Too Many Copies Floating Around, Plot Twist Is Predictable'", "Angle": "pun on 'plot' / 'copy' \u2014 screenplay wordplay", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "8omx5", "Headline": "UPS Tracking Nightmare: Iranian Client Still Waiting for 'Gift' That Left Beijing 6 Months Ago, Last Seen in Chad", "Angle": "format-borrowing: shipping tracking / package delivery notification", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "9j7c6", "Headline": "Chinese Firms' Iran Arms Deal Rejected by Every Studio: 'Plot Too Convoluted, Needs Third-Act Rewrite'", "Angle": "pun on 'plot' / 'copy' \u2014 screenplay wordplay", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "atnwa", "Headline": "FedEx Alert: Package Labeled 'Definitely Not Weapons' Keeps Getting Sent Back\u2014Customs Officers Suspicious of Quotation Marks", "Angle": "format-borrowing: shipping tracking / package delivery notification", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "aza82", "Headline": "Chinese Logistics Firm Apologizes: Your Missiles Were Accidentally Marked 'Perishable' and Got Routed Through 8 Middle Men", "Angle": "format-borrowing: shipping tracking / package delivery notification", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "b996b", "Headline": "Trump, Xi Share Warm Handshake While U.S. Officials Tattle on Xi in Other Room", "Angle": "dark satire on Trump's simultaneous diplomacy and confrontation", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "cl01b", "Headline": "High-Stakes Dinner Goes Great, Nobody Mentions the Arms", "Angle": "dark satire on Trump's simultaneous diplomacy and confrontation", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "dczk7", "Headline": "Instructions Unclear: 47-Step Arms Smuggling Route Somehow Ends in Iran (Also Missing Allen Wrench)", "Angle": "absurdist bureaucracy: arms shipments as the world's worst IKEA assembly directions", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "glbp2", "Headline": "Chinese Firms Release New 'Some Assembly Required' Weapons Line; IKEA Denies Involvement", "Angle": "absurdist bureaucracy: arms shipments as the world's worst IKEA assembly directions", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "m1jxs", "Headline": "Weapons Shipment Routing Instructions Now Available in Mandarin and Incomprehensible Teeny-Tiny Diagrams", "Angle": "absurdist bureaucracy: arms shipments as the world's worst IKEA assembly directions", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "qg8ia", "Headline": "America's #1 Weapons Exporter Shocked\u2014SHOCKED\u2014To Learn Others Also Selling Guns", "Angle": "reversal / irony: U.S. as world's largest arms dealer offended by competition", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "r0ru3", "Headline": "Coca-Cola Condemns Rival Soda Brand for Secretly Selling Beverages", "Angle": "reversal / irony: U.S. as world's largest arms dealer offended by competition", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "twupd", "Headline": "Diplomats Confirm: Elephant in Room Wearing Iranian Flag", "Angle": "dark satire on Trump's simultaneous diplomacy and confrontation", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "utq94", "Headline": "China Denies Secret Weapons Deal; Trump Nods, Smiles, Asks for More Dumplings", "Angle": "dark satire on Trump's simultaneous diplomacy and confrontation", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}], "TopHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "ckism", "Headline": "Mandate Dead at 3; No Foul Play Suspected, Florida AG Insists From Atop Smoking Gun", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "se3gb", "Headline": "Polymarket Opens Bet on Own Insider Trading Investigation; Bet Immediately Shows Signs of Insider Trading", "Angle": "absurdist bureaucracy: prediction market predicts its own investigation", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4v0qn", "Headline": "Eric Trump, Who Does Not Own A Business, Visits China, Where His Business Does Not Operate, For Reasons Unrelated To The Business He Does Not Own", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific description of what Eric ISN'T doing", "Rank": 3, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "apn78", "Headline": "Head of Intelligence at Odds With Intelligence of Head", "Angle": "pun / wordplay: 'undercuts' and 'intelligence'", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "vnspe", "Headline": "Machines Built to Eliminate Inefficiency Hire Lobbyists, Achieve Humanity", "Angle": "reversal/irony: AI companies adopt the exact human behavior they claim to optimize away", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "1ezgr", "Headline": "Rwanda, Ghana Offer to Send U.S. Technology Consultants After Learning Americans Still Manually Explode Gasoline to Get to Work", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Africa leapfrogs America as tech leader", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "m1h1f", "Headline": "South Carolina Court Apologizes to Alex Murdaugh for Being More Dishonest Than Him", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 Murdaugh as the only honest man in the building", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "cydmt", "Headline": "Albania Issues Travel Advisory for United States, Cites 'Unsettling Resemblance to Our 1997 Situation'", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Albania comparison", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "shipy", "Headline": "Rest of World Goes Electric; One Specific Type of American Still Making 0.4-Mile Lumber Runs in a Vehicle That Announces Itself Like a Goddamn Earthquake", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific demographic description", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "jcpm8", "Headline": "Companies That Broke Your Passwords Now Selling You a Cute Little Box to Put Them All In", "Angle": "dark satire on security theater / learned helplessness", "Rank": 11, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "m6y2p", "Headline": "Area Geniuses Spend $4 Billion Building Thing That Will Fire Them", "Angle": "dark satire: saying the quiet part loud about 'recursive self-improvement'", "Rank": 12, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "fdl5r", "Headline": "Chile Expresses 'Deep Concern' Over Britain's Ability to Hold Government Together", "Angle": "reversal / irony: Britain as unstable developing nation", "Rank": 13, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "bp8z8", "Headline": "U.S. Officials: China's Secret Arms Deals 'Cutting Into Our Secret Arms Deals'", "Angle": "reversal / irony: U.S. as world's largest arms dealer offended by competition", "Rank": 14, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "6yih5", "Headline": "Password Dead at 23 Characters; Inspector Cannot Access Case File to Confirm", "Angle": "pun on 'pass' + chain of custody", "Rank": 15, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4cqyb", "Headline": "Advice Columnist Accidentally Mediates Class War Between Two People Who Share a Grandmother", "Angle": "reversal / irony \u2014 the billionaire already wrote in asking the opposite question", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "u3dny", "Headline": "Congress Fully Funds $1.2 Trillion Defense Shield That Isn't Real; School Lunch Program Asked To Resubmit With Fewer Children", "Angle": "dark satire: spending on nonexistent tech vs. existing needs", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "48rw6", "Headline": "Local Woman Becomes Most Electable Democrat In State By Agreeing To Stop Being One", "Angle": "dark satire on Democratic futility in red states", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "lceit", "Headline": "Tribunal Convenes As Couple's Appetite Violates Geneva Convention On Borrowed Breadsticks", "Angle": "dark satire on hospitality as geopolitical treaty", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "psxo6", "Headline": "It Takes Rare Nerve to Weaponize Rare Earth, and China Has Both", "Angle": "pun on 'rare earth' / 'rare nerve'", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "pu1zj", "Headline": "Former Google, Meta, OpenAI Employees Unite to Ensure No Future Google, Meta, OpenAI Employees", "Angle": "dark satire: saying the quiet part loud about 'recursive self-improvement'", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "iqs3k", "Headline": "Hawaiian Tropic's New Campaign Really Rubs It In", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'rubbing it in'", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "l8vwq", "Headline": "New Cease-Fire Drops Friday \u2014 Limited Edition, For Display Purposes Only, While Supplies Last", "Angle": "dark satire: cease-fire as performative product", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ntf6y", "Headline": "Moody's Downgrades U.S. Democracy to Junk Status, Cites 'Aggressive Acquisition Activity' by Single VC Firm", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "tvo3r", "Headline": "Hamas Rejects Rebuilding Plan as 'Dangerously Optimistic,' Cites Permit Backlog, Four Previous Plans, General Vibe", "Angle": "reversal/irony: Hamas rejects plan for being too optimistic", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "uxldp", "Headline": "Man Who Taught Your Dad to Browse the Internet Now Largest Known Buyer of Elected Officials", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific description as the joke", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "8a2nb", "Headline": "S&P Downgrades Trump Negotiating Power to Junk: 'Art of the Deal' Now Rated 'Art of the Ordeal'", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "a17mt", "Headline": "Cease-Fire\u2122 Recalled After Consumers Report Product Contains 0% Cease, 0% Fire Stopping", "Angle": "dark satire: cease-fire as performative product", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "j1otm", "Headline": "Venture Firm's Bold Thesis: American Government Is Severely Undermonetized, Ripe for Disruption", "Angle": "dark satire: saying the quiet part loud about venture capital as governance", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "lcmj2", "Headline": "RATINGS UPDATE: American Republic Placed on Negative Watch Following Fully Leveraged Buyout of Congress", "Angle": "format-borrowing: bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "tquzl", "Headline": "Nation That Cannot Accept Refugees Thrilled to Accept Referee", "Angle": "dark satire \u2014 immigration cruelty has a sports exception", "Rank": 19, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "30k1k", "Headline": "NBA Draft Lottery: Match 3-2-1 To Win, Void Where Tanking Prohibited, Odds Of Rebuilding Responsibly 1 In 30", "Angle": "format-borrowing: lottery ticket / scratch-off instructions", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "4w2d5", "Headline": "Gaza Fixer Upper Stalls As Homeowners Refuse to Remove Load-Bearing Arms", "Angle": "format-borrowing: home renovation show pitch", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "9foxv", "Headline": "Feds Hold California's Breath Until Morale Improves", "Angle": "pun on 'breath' / breathing room + Medicaid", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "coyac", "Headline": "Dolphins Drop $64M on Man Whose Entire Job Description Is 'Run Away From Angry People'", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific financial shopping comparison", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ryw8k", "Headline": "NFL Drops Offensive Requirement \u2014 The Football Kind, Unfortunately", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "579sq", "Headline": "Officials Deny C.I.A. Involved in Killing; Confirm Only 'Aggressive Life Consulting'", "Angle": "pun on 'lethal' / 'lethal' + denial gymnastics", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "69v4n", "Headline": "France: Firm. Spain: Ripe. England: Please Check the Best By Date", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: nations ranked like mushy produce", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "c0f98", "Headline": "California Found Guilty of Healthcare, Sentenced to $1.3B Fine", "Angle": "format-borrowing: fraud investigation report / criminal sentencing", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "qxkqw", "Headline": "Trump Delegation Arrives in Beijing; Manifest Lists One President, One Secretary of State, One Eric", "Angle": "pun on 'personal capacity' / 'capacity'", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "rjmbm", "Headline": "NYT Style Guide Updated: 'Start-Up' Now Defined as Any Scrappy Underdog Worth Under $1 Trillion", "Angle": "reversal/irony: the 'start-up' designation", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "e3l08", "Headline": "NFL Finds Minority Coaching Mandate Too Offensive, Removes It From Playbook", "Angle": "pun / wordplay \u2014 'offensive' double meaning", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "ievny", "Headline": "White House: Eric Trump Traveling to China in Personal Capacity, Same as a Medium-Sized Carry-On", "Angle": "pun on 'personal capacity' / 'capacity'", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "tdq8y", "Headline": "Nothing to Declare Except This Five-Million-Pound Gift, Says Man at Parliament Declaring Everything", "Angle": "absurdist: Farage makes meaty impression at Parliament opening", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "umas8", "Headline": "The Fasten Seatbelt Sign Has Been Turned Off \u2014 You Are Now Free to Visit America, Briefly", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 hushed stadium PA announcement", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "170er", "Headline": "In Lieu of Flowers, the NFL Asks That You Please Not Ask Any Follow-Up Questions", "Angle": "format-borrowing \u2014 newspaper obituary notice", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "5e7gg", "Headline": "1 Star: 'The Jalisco Location Had Limited Selection But The Hospitality Was Absolutely Lethal' \u2014 Manager Disputes Review", "Angle": "format-borrowing: restaurant review / Yelp listing", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "eapxv", "Headline": "Eric Trump Visits China In Completely Personal Capacity, Not To Discuss Hotels, Not To Discuss Loans, Not To Discuss Anything, Just A Boy On A Plane", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific description of what Eric ISN'T doing", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "t4ujs", "Headline": "AI Passes Ultimate Turing Test: Successfully Bribes a Congressman", "Angle": "reversal/irony: AI companies adopt the exact human behavior they claim to optimize away", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0ap9m", "Headline": "7 Easy Side Dishes Everyone Asks For, Plus the Casserole Nobody Requested But Karen's Been Bringing for 11 Consecutive Gatherings", "Angle": "circumlocution \u2014 overly specific description of a side dish's life cycle", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "2saif", "Headline": "Europeans Embrace Silent Cars; U.S. Holdouts Fear Quiet Engines Are How the Soft Countries Get You", "Angle": "circumlocution: overly specific demographic description", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "cyf62", "Headline": "Albania, GDP $18 Billion, Concerned American Tech Billionaires May Be Buying Too Much Government", "Angle": "absurdist reversal: Albania comparison", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "uk64t", "Headline": "Patient Dad Xi Browses Burning White House Garage Sale, Waits for Further Markdowns", "Angle": "dark satire on Xi 'buying time' as literal shopping", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "a3xpd", "Headline": "Dear Abby | Conjugal Visits Denied. Commissary Privileges Revoked. Send Help (and Treats)", "Angle": "circumlocution / Dear Abby format \u2014 literal prison", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "hgmff", "Headline": "Tech Founder Learns Hard Lesson: Corruption Industry Has Zero Tolerance for Disruption", "Angle": "reversal/irony: app disrupted the wrong industry", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "poz0j", "Headline": "Moody's Downgrades Humanity to 'Junk' Following Strong Autonomous Weapons Quarter", "Angle": "format-borrowing: Moody's bond-rating downgrade applied to humanity", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "v9b70", "Headline": "Local Woman Seeks Parole, Gets Column Instead", "Angle": "pun on 'sentence' / 'life sentence'", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "0123v", "Headline": "Area Man Reaches Out To Sports Talk Hosts, Unaware That Is Literally Sports Talk", "Angle": "pun on 'reaching out' / 'talk'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "025ps", "Headline": "House Discharge Petition Reaches Critical Mass; Rep. Kiley Named Grand Prize Winner of $1.3B in Ukraine Aid Forwarding", "Angle": "format-borrowing: petition as chain letter / MLM recruitment", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "02kgy", "Headline": "But Wait, There's More: Pentagon Officials Furious That Memory Foam Mattress Ad Is Exposing Their Whole Thing", "Angle": "absurdist / surreal: enchanted memory foam mattress ad", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "03ggf", "Headline": "Artificial Scarcity: The Ultimate Power \u2014 These Cut Characters Never Oversaturated the Market and Now They're Winning Capitalism", "Angle": "reversal/irony: the figures are worth more BECAUSE they were rejected", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "03y4f", "Headline": "What to Watch at the Summit (Spoiler: Some of It)", "Angle": "pun on 'summit' / 'some of it'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "057bz", "Headline": "Moody's Downgrades Human Civilization to Junk Status as Anthropic Approaches $1 Trillion", "Angle": "format-borrowing: Moody's bond-rating downgrade", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "08l5r", "Headline": "Advice Columnist Sentences Reader to Home Confinement, No Possibility of Parole", "Angle": "pun on 'sentence' / 'life sentence'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}, {"HeadlineId": "08v9w", "Headline": "Farage's \u00a35 Million Gift: Nothing to Declare, Everything to Explain", "Angle": "reversal/irony: Brexit champion can't declare imports", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20260513"}]}