{"PaperName": "The Excited Guardian", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "a47c9fe2", "Headline": "FSB Announces Plague Fully Contained, Along With Everyone Who Mentioned It", "OriginalHeadline": "Russia Moves to Tamp Down Rumors About Plague Outbreak in Siberia", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "AngleSetup": "State the uncomfortable truth that Russia's real outbreak-control tool is the security apparatus, not medicine. The FSB and the Prosecutor General announce the outbreak is fully 'contained,' because the patients, the doctors and the people who mentioned it have all been contained. Quarantine and detention become the same word.", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261005", "StoryId": "1c49n", "Description": "The country\u2019s consumer watchdog has said only that \u201can employee of an anti-plague institute in the Irkutsk Region\u201d contracted pneumonia. Rumors and unconfirmed reports sounded a more ominous note.\n\n[Photo: An infectious-diseases hospital in the town of Shelekhov, Russia, on Monday. The mayor has urged residents \u201cnot to spread rumors.\u201d]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/05/world/europe/russia-plague-siberia.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/05/multimedia/05Russia-Plague-wkgf/05Russia-Plague-wkgf-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-05T15:49:14+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "a47c9fe2", "Headline": "FSB Announces Plague Fully Contained, Along With Everyone Who Mentioned It", "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0094c7e2", "Headline": "Local Man Detained for Reporting Dead Rat, Rat Released Pending Further Rumors", "Angle": "pun on 'rat out' / plague rats", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "06db2a2f", "Headline": "Officials Report '3.6 Buboes, Not Great, Not Terrible'", "Angle": "pop culture: HBO's Chernobyl '3.6 roentgen'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "11cd010e", "Headline": "New Siberian Policy: See a Plague Rat, Say Nothing, Become One", "Angle": "pun on 'rat out' / plague rats", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "124d60aa", "Headline": "Russian Officials Repeat Word 'Pneumonia' Until It Stops Meaning Anything", "Angle": "deadpan profanity: consumer watchdog statement", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "1bb649db", "Headline": "Anti-Plague Institute Clarifies: Death Benefits Only Apply If You Die of the Thing in Your Job Title", "Angle": "format-borrowing: HR redundancy memo", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "25431971", "Headline": "Officials Say Situation Is Stable, Citing the Suspicious Stillness of Everyone Involved", "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "3234feed", "Headline": "Russia Clarifies: Quarantine and Detention Are the Same Word Now", "Angle": "dark satire: security services as containment", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "3ad5b422", "Headline": "HR Memo: Position Eliminated Due to 'Restructuring,' Not Due to the Plague We Pay You to Fight", "Angle": "format-borrowing: HR redundancy memo", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "3efc1fed", "Headline": "Irkutsk Pneumonia Patient Reads '3.6,' Device Not Rated Any Higher", "Angle": "pop culture: HBO's Chernobyl '3.6 roentgen'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "6ad7610a", "Headline": "Employee Status Updated to 'Redundant'; 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Contrast the urgency over a hurt feeling with the slow response to permanent brain damage, so the league comes off as protecting its manners rather than its players.", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261005", "StoryId": "55vfw", "Description": "The NFL says it is reviewing an official's apparent use of profanity directed at Cardinals tight end Trey McBride in Sunday's game against the Giants.", "Url": "https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/50105514/nfl-looking-official-apparently-cursing-cardinals-mcbride", "ImageUrl": "https://a.espncdn.com/combiner/i?img=%2Fphoto%2F2026%2F1004%2Fr1726103_2_1296x729_16%2D9.jpg", "Source": "espn.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-05T02:38:49-05:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "323990ae", "Headline": "NFL Launches Swift 24-Hour Probe Into Mean Word, Still Reviewing Those Decades of Brain Damage", "Angle": "Dark satire: league's speed vs. CTE", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "4f517b83", "Headline": "League Vows Zero Tolerance For 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"Headline": "Flag On The Play, Unsportsmanlike Mouth, Official Stands By His Assessment Of Number 85, No Yardage, Replay The Down", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: referee PA announcement", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "9d65ea2e", "Headline": "Illegal Procedure, Verbal, Official Repeats The Insult Slower For The Replay Booth, Penalty Declined, Clock Will Run", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: referee PA announcement", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "a0fcd1c3", "Headline": "Official's Cuss Word Gets Same-Day Review, CTE Still Waiting On Callback", "Angle": "Dark satire: league's speed vs. CTE", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "a6fe9496", "Headline": "NFL Protects Players' Feelings With Urgency It Never Found For Their Brains", "Angle": "Dark satire: league's speed vs. CTE", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "a9ecaf5d", "Headline": "NFL Announces Periodic Sensitivity Seminars So Refs Can Pat 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Describe the subject as a bald, unemployed, 8-pound Phoenix resident who cannot hold up his own head, eats only liquids and soils himself hourly, and then deliver the study's finding: he has been fully experiencing all of it. The clinical description makes infancy sound like a nursing-home horror, and 'experiencing all of it' adds the dread.", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261005", "StoryId": "t3ikv", "Description": "By pinpointing when it begins in young humans, scientists hope to better understand what consciousness is, and how it arises, in all of us.", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/05/science/consciousness-brain-babies.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/09/29/science/00SCI-UNKNOWNS-CONSCIOUSNESS-promo/00SCI-UNKNOWNS-CONSCIOUSNESS-03-qpbh-facebookJumbo.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-05T15:12:12+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "0d4e32a1", "Headline": "Report: Bald Man-Baby Who Soils Himself Hourly Secretly Harboring Rich Inner Life", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "fad36850", "Headline": "Consciousness Begins At Five Months, Researchers Confirm; First Thought Is 'Whose Fucking Idea Was This'", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: infant's first conscious thought", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "949b8829", "Headline": "Infant's First Lucid Thought Logged As Complaint, Scientists Report", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: infant's first conscious thought", "Rank": 18, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "09cb3f22", "Headline": "Study Pinpoints Dawn of Human Awareness, Baby Immediately Demands To Know Who's Responsible", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: infant's first conscious thought", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0bcd28e7", "Headline": "Fridge Chart Revised: Existential Dread Now Tracks Right On Schedule With Stranger Danger", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: pediatric milestone chart", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "11f5f970", "Headline": "Heartbeat Bill Author Achieves In One Hearing What Trinity College Couldn't In 40 Years Of Research", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: legislators outpace neuroscience", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "1b90f34d", "Headline": "New Parenting Checklist Item: 'Realizes This Is Forever' \u2014 Circle One: 4 Months Or 5 Months", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: pediatric milestone chart", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "462c797b", "Headline": "Scientists Confirm: Babies Born Woke, Lawmakers Demand Nap Time Legislation", "Angle": "PUN on 'woke' (awake / politically suspect)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "47fd0e26", "Headline": "Trinity College Study Proves Infants Woke From Birth, Capitol Hill Panics", "Angle": "PUN on 'woke' (awake / politically suspect)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "490ce6fb", "Headline": "Local Infant Hits Consciousness Milestone Early, Pediatrician Recommends Sticker Anyway", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: pediatric milestone chart", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "49e581c4", "Headline": "Area Man, 8 Pounds, No Job, No Neck Strength, Has Been Awake For All Of This", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "5536ecd3", "Headline": "Local Senator Vows To Put Woke Infants Back To Sleep, Pediatricians Alarmed", "Angle": "PUN on 'woke' (awake / politically suspect)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "57c255d7", "Headline": "Scientists Confirm Liquid-Diet Phoenix Transient Fully Conscious This Whole Time", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "67c56c13", "Headline": "Local Lawmaker Pinpoints Consciousness Down To The Week, Neuroscientists Just Now Hearing About It", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: legislators outpace neuroscience", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "8086f7fc", "Headline": "Anti-Woke Bill Targets Nurseries After Scientists Catch Babies Staying Woke", "Angle": "PUN on 'woke' (awake / politically suspect)", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "a160fa71", "Headline": "Pediatricians Update Milestone Chart: 'Grasps Own Existence' Now Falls Between First Tooth And Peekaboo", "Angle": "FORMAT-BORROWING: pediatric milestone chart", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "affdc1ea", "Headline": "Cambridge Spends Decades On EEGs, Loses To Guy Who Thinks The Uterus Connects To The Stomach", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: legislators outpace neuroscience", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "b21200f6", "Headline": "Researchers Trace Origin of Consciousness; All Subjects Reportedly Furious Upon Arrival", "Angle": "DEADPAN PROFANITY: infant's first conscious thought", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "ec4a4790", "Headline": "Local 8-Pound Phoenix Resident, Unemployed, Cannot Support Own Head, Has Apparently Been Experiencing All Of It", "Angle": "CIRCUMLOCUTION: describe the baby as a hostile witness", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "f96f0e9d", "Headline": "Scientists Still Baffled On When Consciousness Begins; State Legislature Settled It By Tuesday Vote", "Angle": "DARK SATIRE: legislators outpace neuroscience", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "884dfbda", "Headline": "Poll: 74% Say Country Is On Wrong Track, Plan To Re-Elect Whoever's Fucking It Up", "OriginalHeadline": "Midterm Elections: Who Is Winning the Race for Congress? 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Here\u2019s the state of play.", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/05/us/politics/midterm-elections-control-congress.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/09/27/us/sotr-28sep-promo/sotr-28sep-promo-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-05T13:55:10+00:00", "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "884dfbda", "Headline": "Poll: 74% Say Country Is On Wrong Track, Plan To Re-Elect Whoever's Fucking It Up", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: incumbency rate vs. wrong-track polling", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "a6a8074c", "Headline": "With Race Deadlocked, Trump Unilaterally Rounds Up To Landslide", "Angle": "Dark satire: 'too close to call' / Trump", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "0448e1b6", "Headline": "Nation's Fate Narrows to One Driveway as Super PACs Open Bidding War in Norfolk", "Angle": "Absurdist SimCity: last undecided voter in Norfolk", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "12eacf17", "Headline": "Congress Midterm Report Cards Mailed: 'Conduct Unbecoming' Across The Board", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: school midterm report card", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "23a5885c", "Headline": "Local Man Demands 'Something Tangible' From Congress, Analysts Call It Unprecedented", "Angle": "Absurdist SimCity: last undecided voter in Norfolk", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "325e2f75", "Headline": "Teacher Notes 'Does Not Apply Himself, See Last 40 Report Cards' On Democratic Caucus", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: school midterm report card", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "3642e0cc", "Headline": "In Stunning Methodological Breakthrough, Trump Eliminates Uncertainty By Declaring Winner Himself", "Angle": "Dark satire: 'too close to call' / Trump", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "49e7d08e", "Headline": "New Numbers: Nation Agrees Things Are Bad, Agrees Even More On Not Doing Anything About It", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: incumbency rate vs. wrong-track polling", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "73678e07", "Headline": "Parent-Teacher Conference Scheduled For Nov. 3rd \u2014 Voters Still Deciding Whether To Show Up", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: school midterm report card", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "874ef38d", "Headline": "Pollsters Confirm: Electorate's Gut Feeling Is Mostly Just Gut Feeling", "Angle": "Pun on 'toss-up'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "8d4a1869", "Headline": "29 Days Out: Voters Undecided Between Candidates, Also Just Undecided About Lunch", "Angle": "Pun on 'toss-up'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "93f6d4b7", "Headline": "Norfolk Man Polled Hourly, Mailbox Collapses Under Flyer Weight, Still 'Undecided'", "Angle": "Absurdist SimCity: last undecided voter in Norfolk", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "b39b9069", "Headline": "Cook Political Report Downgrades Swing Seats From 'Queasy' to 'Toss-Up'", "Angle": "Pun on 'toss-up'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "bd8e9c83", "Headline": "Survey Finds Voters Furious With Direction Of Country, Will Change Nothing About Who's Driving", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: incumbency rate vs. wrong-track polling", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "c4075b94", "Headline": "Entire Midterm Polling Apparatus Now Just One Guy in Norfolk Named Gary", "Angle": "Absurdist SimCity: last undecided voter in Norfolk", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "d368b5c1", "Headline": "Latest Data: 91% Incumbent Re-Election Rate Holds Steady Among Voters Who Hate Incumbents", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: incumbency rate vs. wrong-track polling", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "e3370c6a", "Headline": "Race Too Close To Call, So Trump Calls It Himself, 29 Days Early", "Angle": "Dark satire: 'too close to call' / Trump", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "f2f8f7cc", "Headline": "Nation's Stomach Rated 'Toss-Up' As 29 Districts Officially Throw Up", "Angle": "Pun on 'toss-up'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261005"}, {"HeadlineId": "f4309166", "Headline": "Pollsters Cite Margin Of Error; 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