{"PaperName": "The Emaciated Constitution", "Stories": [{"HeadlineId": "d44f53b2", "Headline": "Security Confiscates Nail Clippers, Tweezers, and 101ml of Conditioner, Then Hands Co-Pilot Entire Airplane", "OriginalHeadline": "Attacker in FlyDubai Flight Meant to Crash Into Israeli Airport, Emiratis Say", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "AngleSetup": "Billions in screening go toward taking passengers' sharp objects and 101ml shampoo bottles, then the system hands the plane to the one person who actually wanted to crash it. Itemize everything security confiscated from passengers, then end on what it gave the co-pilot.", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261012", "StoryId": "fe4g4", "Description": "The attorney general of the United Arab Emirates said that the co-pilot had been inspired by the Sept. 11 attacks after  years of developing extreme Islamist views.\n\n[Photo: Emirati investigators said that the co-pilot in the FlyDubai flight had intended to crash into Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv \u201cwith the aim of causing the greatest possible loss of life.\u201d]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/09/world/middleeast/flydubai-pilot-attack.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/09/multimedia/09int-uae-flydubai-1-fctk/09int-uae-flydubai-1-fctk-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-12T16:18:26+00:00", "EditorNote": "A commercial co-pilot inspired by 9/11 meant to crash into Ben Gurion, and the attack was apparently planned by the person whose whole job is to land the plane.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "d44f53b2", "Headline": "Security Confiscates Nail Clippers, Tweezers, and 101ml of Conditioner, Then Hands Co-Pilot Entire Airplane", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "0dddde8f", "Headline": "Billions Spent Guarding Against Corkscrews, Snow Globes, and Travel Shampoo; Controls Left to a Guy", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 9, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "347f208f", "Headline": "Airport Display Reports 'Premeditated' in Same Cheerful Font as 'On Time'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e68d0385", "Headline": "Regulators Confirm Reinforced Cockpit Door Worked Exactly as Designed, Which Is the Fucking Problem", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "24a09909", "Headline": "Passengers Surrender Scissors, Sunscreen, and Shoes So One Man Could Be Trusted With the Throttle", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7905b78f", "Headline": "Grandma's Knitting Needles Seized, Toddler's Juice Box Seized, Man With the Steering Wheel Waved Through", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 20, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "18326d2b", "Headline": "FlyDubai Defends Co-Pilot as Meek, Punctual, and 'Fully Committed to Reaching Tel Aviv'", "Angle": "Reversal: airline praises the co-pilot's commitment to the destination", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "40562ff6", "Headline": "Gate B12 Now Boarding, Status Screen Declines to Editorialize", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "5219c3f4", "Headline": "Aviation Authority Reaffirms Cockpit Door Is Impenetrable to All Persons Inside and Out, Admits This Is a Fucking Oversight", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "5d080b51", "Headline": "Post-9/11 Cockpit Door Performs to Specification, Keeps Unauthorized Persons Out and One Fucking Authorized Person In", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7b24b6bd", "Headline": "Airline Praises Co-Pilot's Exemplary Record: 'Never Once Late, and He Was Not Going to Start Then'", "Angle": "Reversal: airline praises the co-pilot's commitment to the destination", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7d91e55f", "Headline": "'Nobody Here Wanted to Reach Tel Aviv More,' Says FlyDubai HR, Reviewing Performance File", "Angle": "Reversal: airline praises the co-pilot's commitment to the destination", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9983a5f0", "Headline": "FlyDubai Statement Calls Co-Pilot 'Goal-Oriented Team Player' Who Always Saw Flights Through to the End", "Angle": "Reversal: airline praises the co-pilot's commitment to the destination", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "aa957950", "Headline": "FlyDubai 981 | DXB \u2192 TLV | Gate B12 | Now Boarding | Status: PREMEDITATED", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d345036b", "Headline": "Safety Board Praises Reinforced Door's 100 Percent Success Rate, Concedes Its Single Fucking Flaw Was Seated Up Front", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the post-9/11 reinforced cockpit door", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e9c9e0c3", "Headline": "Departures Board Adds 'Premeditated' to Status Options, Right Under 'Delayed' and Above 'Gate Changed'", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: airport departures board", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "852cca57", "Headline": "University Forms Task Force to Review Findings of 2009 Task Force, 2014 Task Force, 2019 Fucking Task Force", "OriginalHeadline": "Cornell and Toxic Frat Culture", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the report pile", "AngleSetup": "Write immaculate wire copy in which Cornell officials express 'shock' at allegations, then calmly list the years of the prior internal reports that documented the same thing (2009, 2014, 2019), with one swear landing on the last item. The profanity reads as the archivist's exhausted honesty, not outrage.", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261012", "StoryId": "96h2e", "Description": "A U.S. campus lawsuit points to a global pattern: how male impunity, silence and institutional failure enable sexual violence.\n\n[Photo: Chi Phi fraternity house at Cornell University.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/12/world/cornell-assault-frat-israel.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/13/multimedia/13int-theworld-cornell-02-kbwm-promo/13int-theworld-cornell-02-kbwm-promo-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-12T20:51:04+00:00", "EditorNote": "The Cornell lawsuit shows an elite institution's 'failure' to notice fraternity violence, and the target is the institution's convenient blindness, not the victims.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "74ca8c51", "Headline": "Cornell Urges Campus Not to Rush to Judgment; Rush Proceeds as Scheduled", "Angle": "Pun on 'rush'", "Rank": 7, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "852cca57", "Headline": "University Forms Task Force to Review Findings of 2009 Task Force, 2014 Task Force, 2019 Fucking Task Force", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the report pile", "Rank": 8, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9cf92cc6", "Headline": "Cornell Officials Express Shock at Fraternity Allegations Detailed in Reports From 2009, 2014 and the Fucking 2019 One", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the report pile", "Rank": 10, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "18d9bebc", "Headline": "University Needs Years to Review Allegations, Four Days to Fill Pledge Class", "Angle": "Pun on 'rush'", "Rank": 16, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "89dbef60", "Headline": "Cornell Asks Community to Rush Nothing But Rush", "Angle": "Pun on 'rush'", "Rank": 21, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "09b75158", "Headline": "University's Legal Brief Argues Parties Are 'Our Party, We Can Do What We Want,' Hold Up in Court of Public Opinion Less Well", "Angle": "Pop culture: Miley Cyrus as legal precedent", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "0b8d03cb", "Headline": "Cornell Defense Rests on Landmark Ruling That Once Declared Everyone Powerless Against a Good Beat", "Angle": "Pop culture: Miley Cyrus as legal precedent", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "1f2758ac", "Headline": "Cornell Bravely Comes Forward as Lawsuit Survivor, Asks Public to Please Just Believe It", "Angle": "Reversal: the institution as survivor", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "2f3f12fd", "Headline": "Cornell Reminds Critics That Healing Takes Time and Also Outside Counsel", "Angle": "Reversal: the institution as survivor", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "3d87908e", "Headline": "Forty Years of Failed Crackdowns Explained: Cornell Legally Incapable of Stopping, per Cyrus v. Common Sense", "Angle": "Pop culture: Miley Cyrus as legal precedent", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "48fa6675", "Headline": "\"I Just Want to Be Heard,\" Says Institution That Spent Years Not Hearing Anyone", "Angle": "Reversal: the institution as survivor", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4fe30a85", "Headline": "Campus Checklist: 212 Species Logged, 0 Sightings at Frat House Directly Beside Birdfeeder", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: Cornell Lab of Ornithology field report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "50453b60", "Headline": "Cornell Counsels Patience on Accountability, Warns Bid Day Waits for No One", "Angle": "Pun on 'rush'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "57b1d051", "Headline": "Shock Reported at Cornell, Where Staff Located Prior Findings in Folders Labeled 2009, 2014 and Fucking 2019", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the report pile", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7ffed643", "Headline": "World-Class Ornithologists Spot Rare Cerulean Warbler, Miss Entire Lawsuit", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: Cornell Lab of Ornithology field report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "a7b868ab", "Headline": "Cornell Cites 'Cyrus (2013)' as Binding Precedent in Frat Suit: 'We Can't Stop, and We Won't Stop'", "Angle": "Pop culture: Miley Cyrus as legal precedent", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "aeabfd0d", "Headline": "Cornell 'Deeply Shocked'; Archivist Retrieves Reports From 2009, 2014 and 2019, Fucking Highlighted This Time", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the report pile", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d6c7aed8", "Headline": "Cornell Lab Identifies Warbler From One Chirp at 400 Yards, Hears Nothing at Chi Phi", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: Cornell Lab of Ornithology field report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "efb817dd", "Headline": "Cornell Field Observers Report 'No Activity' at Chi Phi, Cite Years of Deliberate Squinting", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: Cornell Lab of Ornithology field report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "fde00c48", "Headline": "University Describes Hostile Environment of Courtroom, Says It Never Felt Safe Being Questioned", "Angle": "Reversal: the institution as survivor", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "753ece2d", "Headline": "Area 51 Hangar Passes Fire Inspection, Fails Euclid", "OriginalHeadline": "How the impossible geometry of 'Tomb Raider III''s UFO level was made", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal building inspection report", "AngleSetup": "Write it as a dry county code-enforcement citation. A Kansas building inspector clears the Area 51 hangar on wiring and egress, then flags a 400-square-foot discrepancy between exterior and interior dimensions and fines the federal government for an unpermitted fourth dimension. The pivot is that the inspector treats a non-Euclidean space-time violation as a zoning matter. Bonus beat: the dispute is referred to the Planning Board for a variance.", "Rank": 5, "YearMonthDay": "20261012", "StoryId": "i3eis", "Description": "Bigger on the inside? Where have we heard that before?", "Url": "https://www.space.com/entertainment/space-games/how-the-impossible-geometry-of-tomb-raider-iiis-ufo-level-was-made", "ImageUrl": "https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/db6MS6EerbxBAGqaPynzfd-1920-80.jpg", "Source": "space", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-12 14:00:00", "EditorNote": "Developers explain how Tomb Raider III's UFO level is 'bigger on the inside,' which opens it up to Area 51, impossible geometry, and 1998 polygon jokes.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "753ece2d", "Headline": "Area 51 Hangar Passes Fire Inspection, Fails Euclid", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal building inspection report", "Rank": 5, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "57b2928e", "Headline": "Area 51 Budget Bigger on the Inside, Confirms Fifth Failed Audit", "Angle": "Dark satire: Pentagon budget as the real impossible geometry", "Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4a12bb33", "Headline": "Government Admits Area 51 Has Area, Refuses to Discuss Its Volume", "Angle": "Pun on 'Area' in Area 51", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "079267af", "Headline": "Joint Statement From Global Physics Panel Confirms Level Is Bigger Inside, 'Frankly, Can Just Fucking Do That,' Euclid Retired", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: physics establishment concedes", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "07bbc143", "Headline": "Area 51 Fact Sheet: Area, Classified; Volume, Also Classified and Somehow Larger", "Angle": "Pun on 'Area' in Area 51", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "2bfebbdb", "Headline": "Area 51 Finally Measured: Exactly 51 Polygons, Officials Blame 1998 Hardware", "Angle": "Pun on 'Area' in Area 51", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "3346d801", "Headline": "Alien Base Bigger on Inside, Smaller on Polygon Budget", "Angle": "Pun on 'Area' in Area 51", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4939da78", "Headline": "Physics Establishment Issues Measured Statement on 1998 UFO Level: Geometry Does Not Apply to Woman With Dual Pistols, She Can Just Fucking Do That", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: physics establishment concedes", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4ec36ecf", "Headline": "Pentagon Budget Defies Euclidean Space; Money Goes In, Walls Not Found", "Angle": "Dark satire: Pentagon budget as the real impossible geometry", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "58c63855", "Headline": "Manhattan Landlord Unimpressed by 'Tomb Raider III' Geometry: 'Bigger on the Inside? Kid, I've Been Doing Smaller on the Inside Since 1994'", "Angle": "Reversal: landlords mastered the opposite trick decades ago", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6db7a7e8", "Headline": "Auditors Report They Entered Defense Ledger in 1998, Have Not Found Exit", "Angle": "Dark satire: Pentagon budget as the real impossible geometry", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7958434a", "Headline": "County Notes 400-Square-Foot Discrepancy Between Hangar's Outside and Inside, Fines Government $75 Plus Filing Fee", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal building inspection report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9d5c88d4", "Headline": "Local Landlord Shrugs at Impossible UFO Level, Has Rented 'Cozy' Studio That Is Smaller Than Its Own Listing Photos for 30 Years", "Angle": "Reversal: landlords mastered the opposite trick decades ago", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "c3f5c62a", "Headline": "Pentagon Cites 'Tomb Raider III' Engine as Official Accounting Methodology", "Angle": "Dark satire: Pentagon budget as the real impossible geometry", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d940a0f1", "Headline": "'Non-Euclidean? Please': Landlord Charges $4,200 for Pied-\u00e0-Terre That Gets Smaller the Longer You Stand in It", "Angle": "Reversal: landlords mastered the opposite trick decades ago", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "dc10b518", "Headline": "Unpermitted Fourth Dimension Referred to Planning Board; Variance Hearing Set for Tuesday, Parking Concerns Expected", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal building inspection report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "dc6f7b21", "Headline": "Euclid Formally Retired After 2,300 Years as Panel Rules Tomb Raider III's UFO Level 'Something Lara Can Just Fucking Do'", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: physics establishment concedes", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f236bb12", "Headline": "Game Devs Spent Months Bending Space in 1998; Manhattan Landlord Did It With a Wide-Angle Lens and the Word 'Efficient'", "Angle": "Reversal: landlords mastered the opposite trick decades ago", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f45f62ff", "Headline": "Kansas Inspector Clears Area 51 Hangar on Wiring, Egress; Cites Feds for Unpermitted Fourth Dimension", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal building inspection report", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f6dde07d", "Headline": "Physicists Concede After Reviewing Core Design Files: Lara Croft Can Just Fucking Do That", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: physics establishment concedes", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}, {"HeadlineId": "f33b300d", "Headline": "Judge Orders Administration's Ads to Self-Deport From Airwaves, Offers $1,000 and One-Way Ticket", "OriginalHeadline": "Federal Judge Bars Trump Administration From Airing Publicly Funded Ads", "ShowOriginal": false, "Angle": "Pun on 'self-deport'", "AngleSetup": "The DHS ads told immigrants to 'self-deport,' and the ruling turns that phrase back on the ads themselves. Frame the injunction as the government's own commercials being handed their exit paperwork in the same flat, menacing language they used on everyone else, offering a modest stipend and a one-way ticket off the airwaves.", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012", "StoryId": "oaw6t", "Description": "A group of liberal organizations sued last week over the ads that praised the administration.\n\n[Photo: President Trump had pressed for the publicly funded ads to be run.]", "Url": "https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/11/us/politics/judge-bars-trump-taxpayer-ads.html", "ImageUrl": "https://static01.nyt.com/images/2026/10/11/multimedia/11met-trump-ads-kctg/11met-trump-ads-kctg-mediumSquareAt3X.jpg", "Source": "nytimes.com", "PublishedAt": "2026-10-12T03:14:37+00:00", "EditorNote": "A federal judge had to formally order the government to stop spending taxpayer money on commercials praising itself, which the President had personally pressed for, the purest self-licking ice cream cone in Washington.", "IsMashup": false, "SourceStories": [], "SiblingHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "f33b300d", "Headline": "Judge Orders Administration's Ads to Self-Deport From Airwaves, Offers $1,000 and One-Way Ticket", "Angle": "Pun on 'self-deport'", "Rank": 17, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "08e28e44", "Headline": "Government Commercials Urged to Use CBP Home App as Judge Finds Them in Violation of Airtime", "Angle": "Pun on 'self-deport'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "3053530f", "Headline": "Judge Rules Administration Must Praise Itself With Its Own Damn Money, Like a Normal Narcissist", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the narcissist's budget line", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "418499c0", "Headline": "Federal Judge to Trump Ads: 'We Encourage You to Leave Now, Before Things Get Worse for You'", "Angle": "Pun on 'self-deport'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "43c05d15", "Headline": "Judge Blocks Taxpayer-Funded Ads; Kevin Hobson of Provo Relieved to Learn He Was Not Personally Buying Airtime", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: FEC ad disclaimer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4c5f04c3", "Headline": "Trump Slams Lawsuit Against Taxpayer-Funded Ads as 'Total Waste of Taxpayer Money'", "Angle": "Reversal: Trump as fiscal hawk", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "625f2f78", "Headline": "Trump Demands End to Government Overspending, Starting With Everything Between Him and Government Spending", "Angle": "Reversal: Trump as fiscal hawk", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "64825a6e", "Headline": "New Disclaimer Required: \"Paid for by Kevin Hobson, Provo, Utah, Who Would Like to Know What Is Going On\"", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: FEC ad disclaimer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6fbc06d4", "Headline": "Judge Says No Praise, So DHS Airs Silent Film of Cabinet Taking a Knee Toward Offscreen Figure", "Angle": "Absurdist compliance with the injunction", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "7fd66d19", "Headline": "DHS Complies With Ad Ban by Cutting All Praise, Leaving 30 Seconds of Cabinet Kneeling at Nothing", "Angle": "Absurdist compliance with the injunction", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bd7bfeb2", "Headline": "Re-Edited Ad Now Silent, Somehow More Worshipful; Agency Calls It 'Purely Informational'", "Angle": "Absurdist compliance with the injunction", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bd81439c", "Headline": "Federal Court Orders Self-Praise Moved to Private Budget; Ruling Requires Own Damn Money", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the narcissist's budget line", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "be3bf50f", "Headline": "\"I'm Donald Trump and I Approve This Message,\" Says Ad Paid for by Kevin Hobson of Provo, Utah, Who Was Never Asked", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: FEC ad disclaimer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "ce6becde", "Headline": "Ads Praising Administration Grounded After Kevin Hobson of Provo Finally Reads Fine Print: \"I'm Kevin Hobson and I Did Not Approve This Message\"", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: FEC ad disclaimer", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e60a3d5d", "Headline": "Wordless Ad Praised for Clarity: 'Information' Is That Everyone Here Is Kneeling", "Angle": "Absurdist compliance with the injunction", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "edd21bcf", "Headline": "Fiscal Hawk Trump Blasts Judge's Ruling as Costly, Announces Taxpayer-Funded Ad Campaign About Costly Judges", "Angle": "Reversal: Trump as fiscal hawk", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f9202796", "Headline": "Ads Praising Administration Granted 'Voluntary Departure' Before Involuntary Kind Kicks In", "Angle": "Pun on 'self-deport'", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "fd516e65", "Headline": "Court Bars Publicly Funded Flattery, Advises Administration to Buy Its Own Damn Billboards", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the narcissist's budget line", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "ff6c45c2", "Headline": "Trump Vows Appeal to Stop Court From Wasting Money He Was Planning to Waste", "Angle": "Reversal: Trump as fiscal hawk", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "ffc35d8b", "Headline": "Judge Clarifies Trump May Still Compliment Trump, Just Not on the Taxpayer's Damn Dime", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the narcissist's budget line", "Rank": null, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}]}], "TopHeadlines": [{"HeadlineId": "7f1bc8fe", "Headline": "Saudi Labor Ministry Clarifies Kingdom's Strike Ban Applies Only to Workers", "Angle": "Pun on 'strikes': the only kind the kingdom permits", "Rank": 3, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d44f53b2", "Headline": "Security Confiscates Nail Clippers, Tweezers, and 101ml of Conditioner, Then Hands Co-Pilot Entire Airplane", "Angle": "Dark satire: airport security theater vs. the guy at the controls", "Rank": 1, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "15f629a4", "Headline": "Researchers Exhaust All Medical Explanations for Bedwetting Dogs, Reluctantly Conclude It's Contempt", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: peer-reviewed journal abstract", "Rank": 2, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "e74c99c5", "Headline": "Governments Thank Ebola Expert for 50 Years of Nothing Happening by Eliminating His Budget Line", "Angle": "Dark satire: the prevention paradox and funding cuts", "Rank": 4, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "753ece2d", "Headline": "Area 51 Hangar Passes Fire Inspection, Fails Euclid", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: municipal building inspection report", "Rank": 5, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "9ca703b1", "Headline": "Corruption Trial Outlasts Another Election, Begins Drawing Pension", "Angle": "Dark satire: consequential for whom", "Rank": 6, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "74ca8c51", "Headline": "Cornell Urges Campus Not to Rush to Judgment; 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"Rank": 22, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "65799724", "Headline": "OKsWagen Organizers Finally Work Out the Bugs, Decide to Keep Them", "Angle": "Compound pun on 'working out the bugs'", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "6ab0af04", "Headline": "Commanders Travel Up Shit Creek in Fourth Quarter, Back Down in Overtime, Finish Exactly Where They Started", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the round trip up the creek", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bd66a31a", "Headline": "Columnist Presents Mounds of Evidence Against Halloween Candy; Defense Calls Case Riddled with Whoppers", "Angle": "PUN / WORDPLAY: the candy aisle as evidence locker", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "c267a68d", "Headline": "Harbaugh, Ownership Stand 'Shoulder to Shoulder' in Fight That Is Going Like Shit", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: the joint statement's quiet admission", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "d886736f", "Headline": "Census Finds 41,000 Residents Within 300 Feet of Local Woman, Still Classifies Her 'Isolated'", "Angle": "Absurdist proximity bureaucracy (Cyprus)", "Rank": 23, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "4a12bb33", "Headline": "Government Admits Area 51 Has Area, Refuses to Discuss Its Volume", "Angle": "Pun on 'Area' in Area 51", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "958e15a9", "Headline": "Researchers Note Beetles' Vivid Shell Coloration Is Mostly Primer, Some Bondo", "Angle": "Format-borrowing: entomology field report", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "bbf05aae", "Headline": "Vet Now Treating Two Patients After Macho Plano Man Takes Dog's Advice Literally", "Angle": "Absurdist escalation: macho dominance theory taken literally", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f0264244", "Headline": "Elko Apologizes for Calling Cesspool a Cesspool, Vows to Return to Calling It a Splash Zone", "Angle": "Dark satire: he regrets saying it out loud, not believing it", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "f26af2dc", "Headline": "Sixers' Title Hopes Hinge on Chemistry, Mutual Respect, Health, and Joel Embiid's Goddamn Knee", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: weary veteran resignation", "Rank": 24, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "1eb11eae", "Headline": "Annual OKsWagen Festival Brings Beetles, Buses, and Shared Understanding That the Heater Has Never Fucking Worked to Downtown", "Angle": "Deadpan profanity: restored-classic resignation", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "72af256b", "Headline": "Dear Abby: He Put Signs on the Grounds Without Asking, So I Have Grounds", "Angle": "Pun on 'grounds' / 'stake'", "Rank": 25, "YearMonthDay": "20261012"}, {"HeadlineId": "a751d480", "Headline": "Alpha Wolf Theory Debunked, Plano Man Pees on Bed Anyway", "Angle": "Absurdist escalation: macho dominance theory taken literally", "Rank": 25, 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